Don't get yourself in situations.

I never thought I'd say this but,

I'm considering being straight.

Pray for me.

I'm torn in-between the two.

Like, y'know, that Letoya Luckett Song? Man, I was feeling some of those remixes.

Beware, partially explicit.

Anyway, I just had sex with one of the most reviling guys I've ever been with. Oh man.

I don't even know where to begin.

I guess we should start with some background information. For about the past three weeks or so, probably closer to four or five, I took a pledge against masturbation. I don't know what the reasoning was-- I think I just wanted to restore some order and control to my life.

I also vowed myself to celibacy when I got my braces. There's this song from Nelly Furtado called "Forca", and there's this part where it goes "No half-assed." And, that's kinda my motto-- no half-assed anything if I can, and so. Until I'm muscular, gorgeous, and free from the rein of these accursed braces, I decided I would be celibate and wouldn't actually...put effort into a real relationship. Technically, I should wait until I'm emotionally stable, but I'm a teenager, so that's not gonna happen for another eighty years.

Anyway, non-masturbation? Definitely one of the worst ideas I've ever had. I like to go for a week sometimes, just to remind my body who's in charge, but anything over that just gets me frustrated real fast.

Um.

I've been really emotional and down in the dumps lately, I guess. Particularly when I was feeling all persecuted-Catholic, which i discussed in my last entry. Then, Friday night we had a party at the LGBT-theme house, the Rainbow House, which was fun. But then I saw my exes hooking up? And, I think I'm just...really possessive, so I just got grossed out or something. I felt bad-- I was definitely, like, being flirted with which was fun. But I was just avoiding eyesight and being weird, I guess.

I think my problem is that I see this day when everything turns out fabulous-- I'll always be short, that's not changeable, but my braces'll be gone, I'll have like...eighty pounds of muscle, lots of money to buy lots of great clothes. Oh man. I'm oozing in anticipation.

So, I've been a little down. And, when I'm down, I...like to screw pathetic guys to make myself feel better? For one, it's a position of power-- I was so grossed out throughout the entire thing that I just became more and more unaroused as the ordeal went on. For another, you get compliments. I'm really simple, so, I believe every word. =). And then when he said, "We can finish this another time", I thought about saying, "Sorry, I don't do seconds" but...he also had me by a good few inches and pounds, so I just said "Yeah."

He had a nice dick, though. Kudos.

Luckily, like the Godsend that my wife is, Gracie called me about an hour into it and rescued me from sir grossness. She's here in Boston today-- I have to thank her profusely for saving me.

I mean, I don't know-- I'm a bitch, I guess, because I believe in ego sex. It brings me back to like...junior/senior year, where I was coming out and was even more of a Paris Hilton/Nicole Richie fan. It's just so...uplifting. Hahaha.

Another positive is that I never want to have sex again. Like, I think that's going to take another entry, but I feel like I'm so in love with boys. Almost boy-crazy. I love looking at boys. It's the sex that sucks.

Actually, I think I just need to try it with someone I like. I haven't done that for a while.

Note: I swear, I've only slept with like...10-15 people. Honest. And only maybe like...two were good.

Oh man. The whole time, I kept thinking of the Mary above my head, and how her gaze was directly aimed at me. And "Throw Some D's" in the background, haha.

Alright, I need to take a shower before my roommate does. Chao, kids.

Umm.

I've never seen two people that I've been with...hook up with one another.

It's definitely one of the more bizarre feelings I've ever had.

More on this later. I'm too drunk to give a full explication right now.

There's blood in my mouth, 'cause I've been biting my tongue all week.

There's this band I used to like, Rilo Kiley. They fell out of favor as I [re]discovered R&B, but I guess I just remembered why I liked them today.

I've got a few things to talk about. But FIRST:

inchoate - adj. newly begun, incomplete, not organized

Who the hell says inchoate? "My word, sally, the speech I've written to deliver in Gettysburg is still quite inchoate! And whither Mary Wollenstonecraft dares inspire me to write, I cannot write a sentence!"

Haha.

Well, anyway, I'm sick. Cough effin' sneeze sick. Boston's crazy-- we just got like six inches the other day[I was PERFECTLY happy with global warming, kthnx], and now I'm all slipping in ice and whatnot. It's gross and sad.

But that's not why I'm sick. I started getting the sniffles after I pointed out [correctly] to a friend that she's been at my college for like..eight years. Alright, I was being sarcastic, but I certainly didn't deserve her to splash an entire cup of water at me when it's like..8 degrees outside.

I mean, I was mad, if only because I knew what was gonna happen[I'd get sick, and it did happen]. But I guess I shouldn't dish it out if I can't take it? Especially from radioactive females who think it's okay to attack boys and get no sort of reprisal.

Man, I'm so tired of those games.

I mean, I remember thinking when I came out that since I was gay, girls wouldn't like...hit me when I said something funny, or do stupid stuff to me. They're just words-- I've got faults too, crack on me. But it never happens that way. I guess I've just gotta learn to keep my mouth shut more often.

Or get some armor.

Otherwise, I skipped two classes today. That may seem bad, but last semester[and...all of last year], I skipped class so much. Not even intentionally, but I just won't wake up if I don't want to-- or I'll turn off my alarm, go to sleep, and have no recollection of ever having woken up. For instance, last year, I went to like...less than half of all of my intro to philosophy classes. Still wound up with a B, though.

Anyway, now that my schedule practically starts at 12/1:30 everyday, waking up isn't so much of a problem. That said, today was pretty much all of my fault. I had a small reflection paper due today and an Economics problem set, stuff I've known about for a good while now. And, instead of doing it last night, or any other night, I decided to watch Oz instead.

Ohhh, man, do I love Oz. I have this habit, which is why I try not to watch television. Once I start a show, especially if I have the dvds or I'm downloading it, I have to finish it. It was like that with..every anime I've ever seen.[Yeah, I used to be addicted. Now, I only keep up with a few anime. Naruto, Death Note, etc.] It was like that with Noah's Arc.[Hell, it's still like that with Noah's Arc. I've seen each episode like 10 times. And I'm still gonna watch it after I finish Oz.] It was like that with Queer as Folk. And it's like that with Oz.

Spoilers for those who've never seen it, but back when it was on HBO, before I had cable, I'd go to my aunt's house or my grandmother's house to watch it every weekend. It came on Saturday nights, I think. So I already know what's gonna happen, but I'm just waiting for Beecher and Keller to...like, really fall in love again, and so I keep downloading and watching, thinking it's gonna be the next episode. And it still hasn't happened. Man. I'm anxious.

I'm on season three right now. Six more to go.

So, that's my television addiction. Oh, right, and anime. Naruto Shippuuden finally aired, which makes me happy. For those who don't know/care, I'll go for brevity: Naruto's this series about a blond haired brat who wants to become the top ninja in his village, and the anime has been sucking for at least about two years. So I've just been keeping up with the comics.[Which, were also pretty good this week. Probably because of Sasuke.] Anyway, Shippuuden is the show finally following the comics again, and the premiere was really good, I thought. So, yay.

But that's that.

What's really concerning me, I think, is my faith. I mean, I won't pretend I'm a good Catholic-- I think I'm more about the trappings than the actual doctrine. I haven't read the bible for a few years, but I still think about...tattooing "Mary, full of grace" on my arm and "Hail Mary" on my back, and I've got a Mary poster on my wall. Which I think is another problem-- I feel like I know that God comes first, and I recognize God/Christ above all things, but my mind always seems to come back to Mary. I don't know what that's about.

So, the point is I recognize my failings. And I try to be humble in as many manners as I can-- not to force my religion on people, to only talk about it when asked, etc. But I'm starting to wonder about my friends-- granted, a lot of it is just stupid banter and mean jokes, but...I almost feel like I'm being demeaned? And if it continues, I think I'm going to have to bring it up.

I don't want to be tolerated. It's kind of like being gay, for me, being a Catholic-- it's integral to me. I've made my own decision, of my own avowal, and I don't feel comfortable being demeaned for my religious affections.

I feel as if I'm almost losing my way, or something, like I need to pray more. Get my life together. I think I'm getting carried away with being social and forgetting what gives my life meaning. God. Family. Love.

But I also feel as if I'm being self-righteous, which is probably inevitable for me. I'm not even really looking for counsel. I think I just need some down time to re-evaluate where I'm going with my life.

Also, I was thinking of giving up alcohol for Lent, almost as a way of punishing myself[because, Oh man, do I drink often]. But I can't figure out if my reasons are good. Yeah, it's hard, but is that sufficient reason? I'm pretty sure I can think of equally hard things. Using the computer for recreation, for example. Shopping. Partying. And it goes on.

I guess I think I may be using this because I want to distance myself from people or something. Especially since a friend just told me that my giving up alcohol is ridiculous/impossible. I mean, yeah, I guess it was funny, but it's also serious. I shouldn't give it up to prove it to her-- that's not the point of Lent at all. The point is to empathize with Christ's suffering in the desert, from fasting and whatnot. To recognize suffering.

I'm sorry, I'm being all serious and stuff about this.

But that aside, I've been having a lot of good luck lately. I guess I'll talk about that later, though.

Later, holmes and holmettes.

Hercules in his smile-lines.

Sorry, I've been tied up with academia BS. I keep thinking, "I've gotta write something here when I've got the time", but it never actually happened.

And the word of the day is...

luculent- limpid: (of language) transparently clear; easily understandable; "writes in a limpid style"; "lucid directions"; "a luculent oration"

Hmm. Soon, maybe I'll actually be ready for the GREs.

So, I decided to petition so that I could take six classes. Study abroad applications were due this week also, and I finally declared the philosophy major, so I've just been running around trying to get my stuff together. Whew.

And now: F school.

I came home last night/this morning[I have braces, so I come home every month to get my braces tightened]. And man, it's funny how sobering coming home actually is.

I was talking to my mom about finances...and apparently we have a lot less saved than I thought. Like, I thought we set aside the money for my braces[the procedure's "cosmetic", so my insurance doesn't cover any of my braces costs]. But, suddenly she has like...50 dollars in the bank? Well, not counting paychecks, but I just don't get where it goes.

Like, part of the reason why I try not to spend her money is so that she can save some for herself. But it still doesn't work. And she doesn't spend it on herself, so I just have no idea where it goes. I know there are random unexpected bills we've been having, but I thought we'd still have more saved.

Anyway, money aside, it just puts things back in perspective. At school, when you're surrounded by these kids who really don't plan or have to worry about basic stuff, it kinda slows down my pace a little. And it's cool to have fun, I guess, but I don't think I'm as mature at school? It's a good thing, to be around people your own age and do work and drink and party and all that, but...maintaining priorities is definitely a struggle.

Finances aside, I just love being around my mother. I'm a major momma's boy.

Also, something that caught me was when I was on the shuttle to the train station, from school. This kid, who I figured was gay from the start anyway, was telling me about how he had a date with this boy at the nearby movie theatre. They were going to see Pan's Labyrinth, which I totally recommend if you can find it. It's brutal, but it's good. When he called it a date, though, it just kinda struck me because...I don't think I've ever had one?

I mean, I've dated girls, but I don't really count those. I mean, not going to give the entire T on my boy history, but I've never dated a guy. Like, when I first came out I was so sex crazy that I thought it was just a waste of money and time, I guess. Or I'd go to a club/party with my friends and that'd be my social activity for the night. I also think I've just never been keen on emotional commitments-- I've had a boyfriend, but we never really..dated? Like, it wasn't romantic at all, it was just a friendship on a really deep level. I mean, it was great, but I just think I've never been ready to put myself out there and be emotionally involved with someone.

So, I think that's gonna be my new resolution for 2007. To...have a date.

In other news, did I say I love being home? (=. Boston is gross.