My soul comes with a side order of biscuits and mashed potatoes.

I'm incorrigible.

NEW WORD: fulminate- Verb; to loudly attack or denounce

My my, what to say, what to say. Since my last post, I've more or less finished with my midterms. I'm on Spring Break right now, just convalescing at home, I guess. I haven't really left the house at all, except today.[And, oh man. Did I buy the finest fitteds-- with rhinestones! Truly befitting a fabulicious young gay man of color like myself.]

Sorry, I was so obsessed with touting my own horn...

Oh, right, so that's pretty much the state of affairs. I've got about five weeks left of class, and oh, am I counting down the days. I am so ready to graduate college and go to grad school/law school/business school/someplace NOT IN BOSTON.

I discovered BGClive recently, so that's been taking up tons of my time. There's a lot of overlap with adam4adam, but sometimes I forget how many good looking guys there are and I just feel like being a teenage boy and...."fuck[ing] bitches, [get[ting] money.]"

Aside from that, I've been doing a lot of reading, a lot of reconnecting. I spoke to my good friends Nikita and Luke recently, both of whom I was really close to in high school. They actually dated for about two to three years but they called the quits a while ago.

Anyway, Nikita is great. I feel like I'm so obsessed with being respectful and not offending people that in a lot of ways I have silenced my opinion, but I was such a cocky bitch in high school, or at least really blunt. And Nikita isn't trashy blunt, but very straightforward and hilarious. And a lot of times we just..have the same opinion on everything without even realizing it. Even talking about how traumatizing high school was, or various poetic devices, like...I feel like we just automatically agree.

And we're both really lazy, too.

So, we exchanged poetry and talked about college and how we're both ready to graduate. It was great. I really miss seeing her beautiful face everyday.

Luke was actually my best friend, and I guess he sort of still is. It's odd, we had this running gag freshman year that freaked the hell out of me, but we really share a lot of the same ideas. And, we both kind of started studying Japanese around the same time. Then, in college, coincidentally, we both started studying Chinese. Now, he took a short trip to Tokyo and is in Beijing this semester; I'll be going to Hangzhou, which is a bit south of Shanghai, this Fall, then I'll be studying in Kanazawa, Japan this spring.

It's just...wow. I don't understand where all of this overlap comes from. But, since he's in China, I assumed he wouldn't be able to get on AIM or access any sort of eMail service, but clearly, I was not very informed on the Chinese Great Firewall situation. So,we spit the breeze about this and that and I'm just so happy for him. He gave me pointers, etc.

I guess by bringing them up I'm just reminded of how glad I am that I have friends like them...even though we go to different schools. I really think we'll stay in touch, even though when everyone was writing "K.I.T." in everyone's yearbooks, I really thought it was a load of crap.

I started working out again, which has been more or less limited to doing tons of pushups. When I get back to school, I'm gonna try to do more cardio.

I was thinking about it, especially since my mom's friend's sister died recently, but I really don't eat healthily. I hate vegetables. And I was looking at my dinner from the other day-- stew chicken, potatoes, rice. Sausage. There was broccoli, but I just remember pouring some of the juice on my rice and....mmm. It was good, but I'm pretty sure I felt my arteries get a little tighter as I swallowed that sausage.[No sexual pun intended.] And, like, that's just what I eat, greasy stuff. Tons of pizza, at least three double cheese burgers a day. And I'm still thin, so I guess I'm relatively lucky, but it's not just going no where.

I don't know if I'm feeling this because Summer's coming and I think I have boys to impress, but I'm also getting actually concerned about my health. Particularly since high blood pressure runs deep in our family and I live for salt. LIVE FOR IT.

Also, I'm gonna try to start writing again and being more political. I'm losing my edge, man.

I've got so much more to say, but maybe I'll try to fit the rest in an entry tomorrow. Assuming I have the time-- it's my grandmother's birthday.

Live for me, lovers.

Infrequent si[g]ns of a divine creator.

Sorry, I've been rather infrequent with my postings.

NEW WORD.

Asperity- noun; harshness of manner, something hard to endure

Um. What to say, what to say...

1. I'm very ready to graduate. I'm not just saying that because I'm in the throes of midterms, but I think I just want to spend time with my mother. I'm just tired, and being at home just makes everything alright.

2. I'm going abroad next year? Don't know if I've said stuff about that already.

Hmm. I'm trying to figure out what this exhaustion is-- it's not even school, it's just being frustrated and tapped of all of my spirit, my patience, my compassion, my anger, my grief, it's almost nihilistic. I also blame my Culture Evolution class and my inability to find an argument pro-free will[sorry, philosophy talk-- maybe I'll get into that later]

It's funny, this summer I said, "this year will just be 'the year that never happened'", what with my getting braces and loading up on classes. I think I was half-serious, but...that's gonna be my new mantra.

[Oh yeah, the "Beautiful Liar" video is the shit. ]

One Love.

ETA: I just realized part of the reason I can't flesh out all of my thoughts is because I've got everyone reading this stuff again.

Maybe I'll actually start a real blog...more anonymous, etc.



ETA PART II: Since I was reminded about the whole straight thing...

Well, I was just thinking about how much I must be disappointing my family and other people. And I know all of this "be true to yourself" BS and "if they can't take you for all of you, then it's probably not worth it"...but, isn't it? Anyway, I was primarily wondering if I was really as opposed to girls as I thought I was, and if I could actually get a girl. And I think I could if I played my cards right. And would it really be that bad? I mean, I'd probably be leading her on, because I doubt I'd be able to keep that charade up for long, but...wouldn't it be worth it just to give my family the spectacle, of me with a girlfriend/wife[as an adult]?

I don't think I'd actually do it-- it's not fair, just straight up deception-- but I just wanted to say that I am privy to these types of thoughts now and then, and especially then. I also feel as if I have a lot of masculinity/power issues, being gay-- as much as I try to not be anti-femme or whatever, I definitely regulate my own actions all the time so that I'm at least...neutral? I feel as if with a girlfriend, the whole masculinity thing isn't much of an issue-- the sexual role is assumed, and it's just less of a headache.

Also, I was just thinking of children, and I remembered a conversation I had with my grandfather about him passing on his name. He had four girls, so it was supposed to die, but then I took my mom's name so...yeah. I don't know.

I think I've just been trying to see if I could bisexualize myself, but I'm feeling kinda asexual this year anyway, so it's not even worth talking about.

And now...One love.