I'm torn in-between the two.

Like, y'know, that Letoya Luckett Song? Man, I was feeling some of those remixes.

Beware, partially explicit.

Anyway, I just had sex with one of the most reviling guys I've ever been with. Oh man.

I don't even know where to begin.

I guess we should start with some background information. For about the past three weeks or so, probably closer to four or five, I took a pledge against masturbation. I don't know what the reasoning was-- I think I just wanted to restore some order and control to my life.

I also vowed myself to celibacy when I got my braces. There's this song from Nelly Furtado called "Forca", and there's this part where it goes "No half-assed." And, that's kinda my motto-- no half-assed anything if I can, and so. Until I'm muscular, gorgeous, and free from the rein of these accursed braces, I decided I would be celibate and wouldn't actually...put effort into a real relationship. Technically, I should wait until I'm emotionally stable, but I'm a teenager, so that's not gonna happen for another eighty years.

Anyway, non-masturbation? Definitely one of the worst ideas I've ever had. I like to go for a week sometimes, just to remind my body who's in charge, but anything over that just gets me frustrated real fast.

Um.

I've been really emotional and down in the dumps lately, I guess. Particularly when I was feeling all persecuted-Catholic, which i discussed in my last entry. Then, Friday night we had a party at the LGBT-theme house, the Rainbow House, which was fun. But then I saw my exes hooking up? And, I think I'm just...really possessive, so I just got grossed out or something. I felt bad-- I was definitely, like, being flirted with which was fun. But I was just avoiding eyesight and being weird, I guess.

I think my problem is that I see this day when everything turns out fabulous-- I'll always be short, that's not changeable, but my braces'll be gone, I'll have like...eighty pounds of muscle, lots of money to buy lots of great clothes. Oh man. I'm oozing in anticipation.

So, I've been a little down. And, when I'm down, I...like to screw pathetic guys to make myself feel better? For one, it's a position of power-- I was so grossed out throughout the entire thing that I just became more and more unaroused as the ordeal went on. For another, you get compliments. I'm really simple, so, I believe every word. =). And then when he said, "We can finish this another time", I thought about saying, "Sorry, I don't do seconds" but...he also had me by a good few inches and pounds, so I just said "Yeah."

He had a nice dick, though. Kudos.

Luckily, like the Godsend that my wife is, Gracie called me about an hour into it and rescued me from sir grossness. She's here in Boston today-- I have to thank her profusely for saving me.

I mean, I don't know-- I'm a bitch, I guess, because I believe in ego sex. It brings me back to like...junior/senior year, where I was coming out and was even more of a Paris Hilton/Nicole Richie fan. It's just so...uplifting. Hahaha.

Another positive is that I never want to have sex again. Like, I think that's going to take another entry, but I feel like I'm so in love with boys. Almost boy-crazy. I love looking at boys. It's the sex that sucks.

Actually, I think I just need to try it with someone I like. I haven't done that for a while.

Note: I swear, I've only slept with like...10-15 people. Honest. And only maybe like...two were good.

Oh man. The whole time, I kept thinking of the Mary above my head, and how her gaze was directly aimed at me. And "Throw Some D's" in the background, haha.

Alright, I need to take a shower before my roommate does. Chao, kids.