Infrequent si[g]ns of a divine creator.

Sorry, I've been rather infrequent with my postings.

NEW WORD.

Asperity- noun; harshness of manner, something hard to endure

Um. What to say, what to say...

1. I'm very ready to graduate. I'm not just saying that because I'm in the throes of midterms, but I think I just want to spend time with my mother. I'm just tired, and being at home just makes everything alright.

2. I'm going abroad next year? Don't know if I've said stuff about that already.

Hmm. I'm trying to figure out what this exhaustion is-- it's not even school, it's just being frustrated and tapped of all of my spirit, my patience, my compassion, my anger, my grief, it's almost nihilistic. I also blame my Culture Evolution class and my inability to find an argument pro-free will[sorry, philosophy talk-- maybe I'll get into that later]

It's funny, this summer I said, "this year will just be 'the year that never happened'", what with my getting braces and loading up on classes. I think I was half-serious, but...that's gonna be my new mantra.

[Oh yeah, the "Beautiful Liar" video is the shit. ]

One Love.

ETA: I just realized part of the reason I can't flesh out all of my thoughts is because I've got everyone reading this stuff again.

Maybe I'll actually start a real blog...more anonymous, etc.



ETA PART II: Since I was reminded about the whole straight thing...

Well, I was just thinking about how much I must be disappointing my family and other people. And I know all of this "be true to yourself" BS and "if they can't take you for all of you, then it's probably not worth it"...but, isn't it? Anyway, I was primarily wondering if I was really as opposed to girls as I thought I was, and if I could actually get a girl. And I think I could if I played my cards right. And would it really be that bad? I mean, I'd probably be leading her on, because I doubt I'd be able to keep that charade up for long, but...wouldn't it be worth it just to give my family the spectacle, of me with a girlfriend/wife[as an adult]?

I don't think I'd actually do it-- it's not fair, just straight up deception-- but I just wanted to say that I am privy to these types of thoughts now and then, and especially then. I also feel as if I have a lot of masculinity/power issues, being gay-- as much as I try to not be anti-femme or whatever, I definitely regulate my own actions all the time so that I'm at least...neutral? I feel as if with a girlfriend, the whole masculinity thing isn't much of an issue-- the sexual role is assumed, and it's just less of a headache.

Also, I was just thinking of children, and I remembered a conversation I had with my grandfather about him passing on his name. He had four girls, so it was supposed to die, but then I took my mom's name so...yeah. I don't know.

I think I've just been trying to see if I could bisexualize myself, but I'm feeling kinda asexual this year anyway, so it's not even worth talking about.

And now...One love.