She said, "Don't hold grudges. They'll give you wrinkles."

Yo.

NEW WORD:

Bivouac: 1 : a usually temporary encampment under little or no shelter
2 a : encampment usually for a night b : a temporary or casual shelter or lodging

And now that that's out of the way--

I hate to do two negative entries right after another, but I guess it's not really avoidable.

So, as I practiced Chinese in the common room of some random dorm at like four in the morning, I was just getting angrier and angrier. What set me off was my not having anywhere to stay, and the subsequent reflections on that, I guess. I don't really care about the specifics anymore, I guess the bottom line is that I thought I only wanted minimal shit-- y'know, a corner to put a sleeping bag that I was gonna borrow, or someone to open the door so I wouldn't get locked out. Or just having access to the bathroom. And I think there was pride involved on my part, too-- I kind of expected an unequivocal okay to my request, so when I felt as if I had to ask twice, or what would have been three times as the case actually was, it was as if I was begging and I really don't like begging, much less my friends.

I guess after that, it was the fact that people that I'm much less closer to saw me and just said yes off the bat when they realized I didn't have anywhere to go that really got me going. I said no, of course-- by then, I was already in this kind of "fuck you" mode and resolved to stay on my couch. And then I started thinking about everything else that's illicited this kind of anger from me-- like, not being able to get back into Cage[the night before my drunken church escapades] and my friends not picking up the phone. Despite my being like, seven feet from one of their faces, kicking the door, yelling their names at the window, the works.

I guess my problem is that I feel as if I give a lot more than I get very often-- I comfort you when you're crying, but you can't pick up your phone or open the door? Dead ass though? And before that, there was Anita, and before Anita there was Brit, and before Brit maybe there was Iasha. Throw Matt in there somewhere. And I guess the ultimate reason is that I usually can't get along with stable, considerate people for whatever reason-- mainly because they're usually so boring. So I become friends with these people, who even if they do care, time and time again just act in ways indicative of a sort of disregard-- or maybe it's just that I feel as if I'd do a lot for people, so I get disappointed really fast when I don't get the same back.

And at first, I just wanted to argue about it, but while I'm still angry, I guess I should just try to live with the fruit of my actions. I was wondering if this was indicative of my own tendency to get mad over stupid shit, or if this is the type of anger I need to master to be a better person. But it's probably not that serious, haha.

I'm pretty sure I once gave someone advice who was in this same type of situation-- when you're in what you feel is an unhealthy relationship, you stop stressing yourself about it or you completely disengage. And I don't even know how I wound up like this. By "this", I mean stupidly overdramatic, concerned with hurting his or her feelings-- "Oh no, she reads this, I shouldn't write that in my blog. I shouldn't say this around her, I should do this." ...What? Haha. I don't know what happened to my fearlessness, but it certainly hasn't been with me for my college career. I need to get my balls back from whoever took them, and I think that's part of what my recent work outs have been about.[This might be for another entry, but I've been feeling increasingly violent-- as if I just want to have an actual fist fight for once. And I'm pretty sure my fitness level is not up to par-- and I also just haven't had a fight since...middle school? haha]

In other news, I completely messed up by not refrigerating my typhoid pills. Now, they're dead. Great. I swear, I need to stop acting like I'm balling or something-- these bills just keep coming from everywhere and I gotta remember that despite hanging with these kids with income...I'm poor, haha.

Wow, I feel a lot better. And Namie Amuro has a promotional video for her new single, "Funky Town" which takes me back to my Namie days in high school. <3. And I almost lost hope for Japanese pop. [And I think BoA* may have a PV for "Sweet Impact", too? Werk it, werk it.]

Haha, maybe I'll do a happier entry later today. Or something that isn't teenage melodrama. =P

Iron Jails and Puppy Dog Tails.

It's been a while.

It is very much like me that the only time I've felt like making an entry is when I'm feeling at my lowest, but oh well, =P.

So, no new word.

The word on the street is: I KNOW I like adversity and all, but really? Can I get a break?

-- I didn't get either of the SEEDS jobs I wanted.[It's funny-- for the Media whatever, my two good friends wound up getting it while I stupidly forgot to schedule my own damn interview; for the Leadership Position, I just flat out didn't get it.] And I don't know why I didn't get the Leadership thing. I've worked with SEEDS for five years[which I'm pretty sure is more than 95% of the applicants they were getting; the other sites in general don't really have our site's same intern-longevity], I've done community service, I've been working since I was of age. I've a demonstrated interest in education.

It could be because I missed her original phone call for the interview, but my phone was dead. Hmm.

--Getting my passport has been a bitch and a half. I have been going to various Post Offices/Passport places, calling the National Passport Information Center for over two weeks, and also eMailing them. All for an address. Study Abroad Office is getting down my neck about visa applications, and I can't finish my application because I have no passport. I have no passport because my application is incomplete. My application is incomplete because they don't have my birth certificate. And, technically, they did have my birth certificate, but my city invalidated it and made me get another one.[Which was another piece of crap to deal with. I hate VitalChek.] They don't have it now because they WOULD NOT give me an address to send my birth certificate too.

I swear. Thankfully, I finally got through yesterday[and it was so random, too-- I'm so used to dialing the NPIC that it's just habitual, and I was only on like...my fifth redial at 2 p.m. when, instead of getting hung up on, I actually heard-- gasp-- the classical music they play when you're on hold! I almost screamed.] and I overnight-ed everything today. So, hopefully things will work out. Hopefully.

--I am probably the worst Catholic I know. I went to some club in Hoboken, which was a big mistake, with Summer and Nakeefa and wound up walking back home after I couldn't get back in.[Ugh] Then, I had my cousin's confirmation to go to at 9 AM the next day. I was so drunk in that church, it's ridiculous-- I reeked of alcohol. Everyone in my family thinks I'm an alcoholic, my grandfather now has an actual reason to tease me with beer. I am so embarrassed.

Oh, and I wound up throwing up right outside of the church. I really thought I was gonna wind up doing it in the pews; somehow, I made it.

Oh, forgive me, Jesus.

I guess the worst part about this is that all of these are all my fault. 1. My fault for not being a good enough candidate for the job. 2. My fault for losing my rejection letter[Which had the address on it]. 3. My fault for drinking and for going out in the first place[especially when I knew the only thing I ate that day was a bit of rice.].

Honestly, the only good thing that's happened since I've been home has probably been Shawn visiting in NJ. And getting his letter. That made me really happy.

I'm gonna try to get my life together. I've been studying Chinese, and wow, I didn't forget as much as I thought. But I'm still really out of practice. I also have been halfassedly exercising, but I need to step it up a little.

And I will...after I have some ice cream.

I still cannot believe I didn't get that job. I feel like such a damn loser. I don't really need any pick-me-ups either-- I think this is the wakeup call I needed.

Get. your. shit. together.