He's a trainwreck in between my ears.

Man, what a perfect word to describe things right now: trainwreck.

Speaking of words: Word of the day.

brio \BREE-oh\, noun:
Enthusiastic vigor; vivacity; liveliness; spirit.

I don't feel like talking about stuff I've read today, but I'll do it just to keep the habit. I was on Powerline today, semi-surprisingly. Powerline is a fairly medium-conservative blog that I initially used to go to as a foil to DailyKos[Both are kinda myopic in the news coverage] back when I was trying to become a blogwhore in high school. Anyway, so I checked in, and [unsurprisingly] the author didn't have a comment about the Imus-Rutgers debacle, but he did post two comments that he felt were noteworthy. I'm doing this from memory, but I think they were to the point of the girls' team being whiners/thin-skinned, and that if they were going to cry foul every time someone broke the rules, then they're going to have a hard reckoning with the real world. I think there was also a comment about the team setting a bad example for young girls, since they were good examples of successful, strong females beforehand, and by crying and going on Oprah, they were behaving contrary to the image...or something like that. They suggested different ways to deal with Imus[I think it was tantamount to "ignore him", or show him that you're still gonna succeed despite his words].

I really don't care much about the content-- I feel as if I see the dichotomy come up to often about behavioral maxims. When something wrong is being done to you, do you A. protest it/"whine" and do whatever you can to stop it or B. deal with it/ignore it, and deprive the wrongdoer of the attention [s]he's probably looking for? It comes up all the time with racist incidents, if not all incidents of bias.

Honestly, I think it's more of a contextual thing. Sometimes protesting is useless, and sometimes ignoring stuff is really not useful at all. In this case, I'd say the protesting was useful-- Imus' sponsors got pulled, and CBS and MNBC stopped running his show. So bye, bye Imus.

I also generally find problems in 95% of the situations wherein we blame the victims, which is partially why I find problems with people getting angry at the people gloating at Al Sharpton's expense. He apparently sided with the rape victims in the Lacrosse rape trial[s?], and now that they've been cleared of the charges, I've been seeing some vitriol on some blogs about him. Honestly, at the time that he declared his support, no one really knew much of what happened anyway. I just...find it a little weird to gloat about his being wrong in this case, I guess. I wanted to make a point that we tend to re-victimize victims[even in this case, wasn't it that the girl was still raped, just not by the lacrosse team? I need to check it out again], but I forgot exactly how I wanted to make that case.

Oh, and Wolfowitz apparently gets busted for his own corruption? Weird, and kind of unexpected, I guess. I wonder if Bush released a statement.

Alright, now that I've done some news. Let's talk about me.

A few days ago I split a pole, and I think I'm paying for it, eightfold. I kid you not.

First, it turns out the Comparative Religion midterm I did got a B+, not an A like I expected. There's another Steven in my class, and apparently I got his comment sheet and he got mine. I wrote down the wrong date for my Armenian history presentation, which was apparently last Tuesday instead of next Tuesday. So, I missed my presentation. My econ T.A. lost both of my problem sets, so I apparently have to resubmit them and lose 20 points each. Also, I did fairly poorly on my exam from Tuesday, but I was not the only one. Also, my Japanese grades are kind of going...splat. Also...did I think I was just gonna magically find a job for the Summer? What the hell am I doing?

It's just like, damn. I've been thinking that I could just...coast around, doing the bare minimum, and get a bunch of As, but. I am f*cking up. Actually, I don't know what I thought, to be straight with you-- I've been reading comic books nonstop for the past few days because I think I like a boy[to be discussed] and I needed a distraction. Oh man, oh man.

I kind of had a good dosage of self-hatred[the perfect getter-upper, or at least in high school] after I talked to this chick who's apparently from near my high school. We were talking about my high school, and how I had 3 hour commutes each way. She and her friends made it seem so magical. And I guess I remember now-- falling asleep in my classes, being frustrated on the bus, coming out junior year, my envy of more or less any of the other four hundred students at school, my problems with the work, my disillusionment with education and upper middle class kids. My pride, my anger, my envy.

I don't know why I've stopped believing in myself, but I have, and I kind of forgot everything about my heroes. And it's like I'm spoiled-- I used to survive on two to three hours a day, and suddenly I'm tired on ten hours of sleep. I always have to remind myself not to get sucked into the pace at this school.

It's actually kind of gross, how I've lost almost all of my self-control. So I'm taking it back. Gotta shake it off. After practice, I may just have a work-a-thon.
Really, what this is about is my mother-- if there's anyone who's suffered more for the sake of me than me, it's her. And I may play the tortured role in my mind sometimes, and I may think that she does some silly/insensible things sometimes, but she does not deserve a son who can't even get his fucking act together.

Wow, I'm getting progressively angrier at myself. I'm such a momma's boy.

What's REALLY been driving me crazy, though, is the fact that I like Shawn and I want to date him. He might read this, and I guess my other friends do too, if they've bothered to read this far, but if I remember properly, part of this blog was supposed to be about being no holds barred.

IT HAS BEEN BOTHERING ME FOR AT LEAST A WEEK and it is frustrating as all hell. I stand by my assertions to Irene & co that emotions are easy; it's meta-emotions are hard. Do I want to like him? can I be sure that that's what I actually worth it? I feel as if the problem isn't to like him or not to.

Anyway, I could explain the many, many things I like about Shawn, talk about the fact that I really do think he has a kindness that's fairly uncommon. But I also feel as if I'm not worth it, that I'm still "in transit" in a lot of ways that would prevent me from having a meaningful relationship. There's also the fact that he graduates in...a month? I almost feel like just saying, "what's the point?"

I'm actually surprised I wrote about my Shawn-dilemma. I guess what finally settled things was the fact that in DeWick, as I was eating my Matzo and drinking my soda, I realized that he could probably hurt me if he wanted to. And I don't even know what that'd be like-- this is kind of the first kind of experience I'm having where I'm starting to like someone exclusively for their personality as opposed to sex, or being driven exclusively by what the sex will be like.[Which is why I don't like a lot of people, I guess-- few people really get me aroused to that extent] So it's just weird. I kind of wanted to hook him up with someone else, just because I think he can do better.[once I give him a haircut, anyway, =P]

But that's far too much high school dramatics. I think I'm just going to have to talk to him, ask him what his feelings are[I guess I've been working under the assumption that he does like me, so I wonder what'll happen if he doesn't], and figure out things from there.

And if we do wind up dating, I'm going to have to put it on Facebook.[Sorry, Gracie, =P]

Alright, I'm tired of talking, I'm all determined and stuff now. Plus, I've got practice in twenty minutes.

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.”

Preach, Eleanor, preach.

Gertrude Stein never knew an autobiography like mine.

New word:

abecedarian \ay-bee-see-DAIR-ee-uhn\, noun:
1. One who is learning the alphabet; hence, a beginner.
2. One engaged in teaching the alphabet.

If there were ever a useless word.

Hi, Kids.

Sorry, finals are coming with the quickness and I still don't know what I'm going to do for a job. It's quite problematic. I almost wonder if I can still do SEEDS, possibly Phase III this time[I've done NJ SEEDS, this nonprofit that helps urban minorities get into private high schools, for about five years. I'm also an alumni of the program myself. Anyway, I've been working with phase I for this time, but Phase III is the mock-boarding school experience and has a higher salary]

What else.

Oh, news.

A few things caught my eye that I remember right now.

This made me very happy.

Also, apparently congress is about to do another debate on stem cell funding, which I'm pretty sure is gonna go no where, unfortunately. The atmosphere in this country may be a little different, but not so much to force this administration to change its policies on stem cell research.

Also, this was a serious victory for biological privacy rights.

"I had hoped that common sense and the legal framework would hold up. I'm grateful that it has done so... Being a mother is still an option to her that does not involve me."--Mr. Howard Johnston

The idea that she could even use the embryos is ridiculous. It's unfortunate that she's lost the ability to have a child with her own genes, but when you give up sperm or eggs to create an embryo for IVT, it's under the implication of consent from both parties. In an ethical sense, I think it's kind of ridiculous that it would have been possible to have his child without his consent. Legally, I have my doubts that there's a consent clause that states the usage of the embryo is on condition of both parties still being in a relationship[but I would think consent would go in there, and apparently he didn't want her to have his child]. Messed up world.

And finally, something else that's been on my mind[since, I don't really pay attention to school very often] has been the DNC not endorsing FOX, the influence of democratic blogopia on the web, and the big three[Obama, Clinton, and Edwards] saying they wouldn't appear on the CDC-FOX debate.

Honestly, I find the CBC questionable-- I don't trust black leadership in America period, perhaps even leadership in general. NAACP, the Congressional Black Caucus, National Black Justice Coalition, Amnesty International, Human Rights International. I don't think I'm looking for perfection, but it seems as if time and time again there's some bad economics going on, or my interests are not being represented.

Anyway, I've been reading some commentary and talking to some people, I guess, and a common response seems to be questioning why, I guess. Is Fox really so biased that the debate would wind up hurting Democratic candidates? It's a legitimate television network.

Honestly, I don't care so much about how the debate will be handled-- people keep saying that Obama's got no substance, blah blah. But I don't know how to respond to that; he's got his responses to issues on his website. He's been speaking for almost a year now; he's not just blowing hot air, the transcripts of his speeches come with his responses to issues. So...I guess I just don't really get the complaint. Are Clinton and Edwards really that much better, or are we holding Obama to different standards?

Regardless, what I do like is that this is not going on Fox is really a flex of democratic muscle for once. If there's one thing I hate about liberals, it's that they're wimps. It's kind of pathetic-- honestly, for the media to be so 'liberal' and all this mess, and for so many liberal academics to be ruling our educational system and whatnot, they're doing a crappy job making use of that influence. I love Republican attacks, they're sharp. Man. No holds barred. Manipulation, whatever it takes. And I'm not saying I'm looking to be manipulated, but I feel as if liberals have so many constructive/structural assumptions to set before making a complete argument that they're almost fundamentally incapable of being really zingy most of the time. And, zingy is good.

Also, if I meet another self-righteous liberal, I am going to scream.

Anyway, I think the problem with Fox News has been a consistent misrepresentation and manipulation of the news[and I don't think other television news companies are innocent either, but I think there has been an effective and intent agenda in mind with Fox News for...however long I've known about Fox News]. And, if you feel as if they're against you, stop paying them attention. Stop whining.

So, I like that they're not going on there. I think I'd like it even more if they went on Fox News, trounced any possible misrepresentations/whatever, but save maybe Clinton, I don't think I trust any of them to be able to defend themselves. And even Clinton would be working really uphill.

Oh, and save Giuliani, I think I hate the Republican candidates.

Oh well.

What about y'all? Any comments/other news worth talking about?

Chao.

My soul comes with a side order of biscuits and mashed potatoes.

I'm incorrigible.

NEW WORD: fulminate- Verb; to loudly attack or denounce

My my, what to say, what to say. Since my last post, I've more or less finished with my midterms. I'm on Spring Break right now, just convalescing at home, I guess. I haven't really left the house at all, except today.[And, oh man. Did I buy the finest fitteds-- with rhinestones! Truly befitting a fabulicious young gay man of color like myself.]

Sorry, I was so obsessed with touting my own horn...

Oh, right, so that's pretty much the state of affairs. I've got about five weeks left of class, and oh, am I counting down the days. I am so ready to graduate college and go to grad school/law school/business school/someplace NOT IN BOSTON.

I discovered BGClive recently, so that's been taking up tons of my time. There's a lot of overlap with adam4adam, but sometimes I forget how many good looking guys there are and I just feel like being a teenage boy and...."fuck[ing] bitches, [get[ting] money.]"

Aside from that, I've been doing a lot of reading, a lot of reconnecting. I spoke to my good friends Nikita and Luke recently, both of whom I was really close to in high school. They actually dated for about two to three years but they called the quits a while ago.

Anyway, Nikita is great. I feel like I'm so obsessed with being respectful and not offending people that in a lot of ways I have silenced my opinion, but I was such a cocky bitch in high school, or at least really blunt. And Nikita isn't trashy blunt, but very straightforward and hilarious. And a lot of times we just..have the same opinion on everything without even realizing it. Even talking about how traumatizing high school was, or various poetic devices, like...I feel like we just automatically agree.

And we're both really lazy, too.

So, we exchanged poetry and talked about college and how we're both ready to graduate. It was great. I really miss seeing her beautiful face everyday.

Luke was actually my best friend, and I guess he sort of still is. It's odd, we had this running gag freshman year that freaked the hell out of me, but we really share a lot of the same ideas. And, we both kind of started studying Japanese around the same time. Then, in college, coincidentally, we both started studying Chinese. Now, he took a short trip to Tokyo and is in Beijing this semester; I'll be going to Hangzhou, which is a bit south of Shanghai, this Fall, then I'll be studying in Kanazawa, Japan this spring.

It's just...wow. I don't understand where all of this overlap comes from. But, since he's in China, I assumed he wouldn't be able to get on AIM or access any sort of eMail service, but clearly, I was not very informed on the Chinese Great Firewall situation. So,we spit the breeze about this and that and I'm just so happy for him. He gave me pointers, etc.

I guess by bringing them up I'm just reminded of how glad I am that I have friends like them...even though we go to different schools. I really think we'll stay in touch, even though when everyone was writing "K.I.T." in everyone's yearbooks, I really thought it was a load of crap.

I started working out again, which has been more or less limited to doing tons of pushups. When I get back to school, I'm gonna try to do more cardio.

I was thinking about it, especially since my mom's friend's sister died recently, but I really don't eat healthily. I hate vegetables. And I was looking at my dinner from the other day-- stew chicken, potatoes, rice. Sausage. There was broccoli, but I just remember pouring some of the juice on my rice and....mmm. It was good, but I'm pretty sure I felt my arteries get a little tighter as I swallowed that sausage.[No sexual pun intended.] And, like, that's just what I eat, greasy stuff. Tons of pizza, at least three double cheese burgers a day. And I'm still thin, so I guess I'm relatively lucky, but it's not just going no where.

I don't know if I'm feeling this because Summer's coming and I think I have boys to impress, but I'm also getting actually concerned about my health. Particularly since high blood pressure runs deep in our family and I live for salt. LIVE FOR IT.

Also, I'm gonna try to start writing again and being more political. I'm losing my edge, man.

I've got so much more to say, but maybe I'll try to fit the rest in an entry tomorrow. Assuming I have the time-- it's my grandmother's birthday.

Live for me, lovers.

Infrequent si[g]ns of a divine creator.

Sorry, I've been rather infrequent with my postings.

NEW WORD.

Asperity- noun; harshness of manner, something hard to endure

Um. What to say, what to say...

1. I'm very ready to graduate. I'm not just saying that because I'm in the throes of midterms, but I think I just want to spend time with my mother. I'm just tired, and being at home just makes everything alright.

2. I'm going abroad next year? Don't know if I've said stuff about that already.

Hmm. I'm trying to figure out what this exhaustion is-- it's not even school, it's just being frustrated and tapped of all of my spirit, my patience, my compassion, my anger, my grief, it's almost nihilistic. I also blame my Culture Evolution class and my inability to find an argument pro-free will[sorry, philosophy talk-- maybe I'll get into that later]

It's funny, this summer I said, "this year will just be 'the year that never happened'", what with my getting braces and loading up on classes. I think I was half-serious, but...that's gonna be my new mantra.

[Oh yeah, the "Beautiful Liar" video is the shit. ]

One Love.

ETA: I just realized part of the reason I can't flesh out all of my thoughts is because I've got everyone reading this stuff again.

Maybe I'll actually start a real blog...more anonymous, etc.



ETA PART II: Since I was reminded about the whole straight thing...

Well, I was just thinking about how much I must be disappointing my family and other people. And I know all of this "be true to yourself" BS and "if they can't take you for all of you, then it's probably not worth it"...but, isn't it? Anyway, I was primarily wondering if I was really as opposed to girls as I thought I was, and if I could actually get a girl. And I think I could if I played my cards right. And would it really be that bad? I mean, I'd probably be leading her on, because I doubt I'd be able to keep that charade up for long, but...wouldn't it be worth it just to give my family the spectacle, of me with a girlfriend/wife[as an adult]?

I don't think I'd actually do it-- it's not fair, just straight up deception-- but I just wanted to say that I am privy to these types of thoughts now and then, and especially then. I also feel as if I have a lot of masculinity/power issues, being gay-- as much as I try to not be anti-femme or whatever, I definitely regulate my own actions all the time so that I'm at least...neutral? I feel as if with a girlfriend, the whole masculinity thing isn't much of an issue-- the sexual role is assumed, and it's just less of a headache.

Also, I was just thinking of children, and I remembered a conversation I had with my grandfather about him passing on his name. He had four girls, so it was supposed to die, but then I took my mom's name so...yeah. I don't know.

I think I've just been trying to see if I could bisexualize myself, but I'm feeling kinda asexual this year anyway, so it's not even worth talking about.

And now...One love.

Don't get yourself in situations.

I never thought I'd say this but,

I'm considering being straight.

Pray for me.

I'm torn in-between the two.

Like, y'know, that Letoya Luckett Song? Man, I was feeling some of those remixes.

Beware, partially explicit.

Anyway, I just had sex with one of the most reviling guys I've ever been with. Oh man.

I don't even know where to begin.

I guess we should start with some background information. For about the past three weeks or so, probably closer to four or five, I took a pledge against masturbation. I don't know what the reasoning was-- I think I just wanted to restore some order and control to my life.

I also vowed myself to celibacy when I got my braces. There's this song from Nelly Furtado called "Forca", and there's this part where it goes "No half-assed." And, that's kinda my motto-- no half-assed anything if I can, and so. Until I'm muscular, gorgeous, and free from the rein of these accursed braces, I decided I would be celibate and wouldn't actually...put effort into a real relationship. Technically, I should wait until I'm emotionally stable, but I'm a teenager, so that's not gonna happen for another eighty years.

Anyway, non-masturbation? Definitely one of the worst ideas I've ever had. I like to go for a week sometimes, just to remind my body who's in charge, but anything over that just gets me frustrated real fast.

Um.

I've been really emotional and down in the dumps lately, I guess. Particularly when I was feeling all persecuted-Catholic, which i discussed in my last entry. Then, Friday night we had a party at the LGBT-theme house, the Rainbow House, which was fun. But then I saw my exes hooking up? And, I think I'm just...really possessive, so I just got grossed out or something. I felt bad-- I was definitely, like, being flirted with which was fun. But I was just avoiding eyesight and being weird, I guess.

I think my problem is that I see this day when everything turns out fabulous-- I'll always be short, that's not changeable, but my braces'll be gone, I'll have like...eighty pounds of muscle, lots of money to buy lots of great clothes. Oh man. I'm oozing in anticipation.

So, I've been a little down. And, when I'm down, I...like to screw pathetic guys to make myself feel better? For one, it's a position of power-- I was so grossed out throughout the entire thing that I just became more and more unaroused as the ordeal went on. For another, you get compliments. I'm really simple, so, I believe every word. =). And then when he said, "We can finish this another time", I thought about saying, "Sorry, I don't do seconds" but...he also had me by a good few inches and pounds, so I just said "Yeah."

He had a nice dick, though. Kudos.

Luckily, like the Godsend that my wife is, Gracie called me about an hour into it and rescued me from sir grossness. She's here in Boston today-- I have to thank her profusely for saving me.

I mean, I don't know-- I'm a bitch, I guess, because I believe in ego sex. It brings me back to like...junior/senior year, where I was coming out and was even more of a Paris Hilton/Nicole Richie fan. It's just so...uplifting. Hahaha.

Another positive is that I never want to have sex again. Like, I think that's going to take another entry, but I feel like I'm so in love with boys. Almost boy-crazy. I love looking at boys. It's the sex that sucks.

Actually, I think I just need to try it with someone I like. I haven't done that for a while.

Note: I swear, I've only slept with like...10-15 people. Honest. And only maybe like...two were good.

Oh man. The whole time, I kept thinking of the Mary above my head, and how her gaze was directly aimed at me. And "Throw Some D's" in the background, haha.

Alright, I need to take a shower before my roommate does. Chao, kids.

Umm.

I've never seen two people that I've been with...hook up with one another.

It's definitely one of the more bizarre feelings I've ever had.

More on this later. I'm too drunk to give a full explication right now.