"Hey, Big Mambo!"

Believe it or not, I've had this title planned since November.

When my classmates and I went to Beijing and were visiting Gugong[the Forbidden City], there were some Tazmanian tourists there. And as it always happens when Black people meet in China, I acknowledged them, they acknowledged me, etc. But then, one of the guys said, "Hey, Big Mambo!" followed by some other stuff that I did not understand. After he realized that I didn't understand, he asked where I was from; I asked him the same. He said he thought I was Tazmanian. I mean, it was just a really great moment for me; I feel like in America, everyone just assumes I'm African American, and rightly so. Maybe Jamaican when I've got more hair going. Anyway, Africans never mistake me for being African. I liked it, reminded me that we're a diaspora of the same people. At least skin color wise.

Black Power.

Anyway, hiiii. I owe all of you my deepest apologies, especially Steven, since I promised him I would update a while ago. In all honesty, the biggest culprit in my long hiatus was the crappiness of my internet connection; there were at least two times when I would be bored and ready to update. But right when I was halfway through an update, my internet connection would give out and I would lose everything. So I gave up.

There's a lot of catching up to do of course. I'm not ambitious enough to seek to cover everything in one entry-- sorry. But at least the basics.

1. I am back in America.

I fought hard against it, but in the end, I returned to the Land of the Brave. I am back in New Jersey. I've been home for about a week, closer to two-- it's already been pretty eventful. Um. Saw a lot of family, friends. It's been cool, being home.

I miss China severely. I miss being stared at, I miss the pushing and the shoving. But most of all, I miss the cheapness. And I miss speaking Chinese 24/7. Or at least 4/7.

I'll probably cover the last of my Chinese adventures at a later date. My last entry was October 12th, when I was still head over heels ove everything for Pablo, when my American classmates were still there. My classmates left December 10th-ish, and from that point until a week or two ago, I was alone in China, braving the wilds. I also made a sort of photo blog on MSN-- I gave in and made a space on there. So I wasn't completely idle for the past few months. I'll figure out the link later; if you want to see pictures that badly, you can just ask me for my MSN account.[get MSN if you don't have it! It's the future!] Or facebook.

I really did enjoy myself, though. And I discovered that I love Korean people. But that's another entry.

2. New Year's Resolutions

Um. I really, really want to have New Years Resolutions this year, but I got off on the wrong start. I still don't really have a codified list of goals for this year, which is a major problem. Even if I don't reach them, I need some sort of gameplan. For now, the list is:

I. Get fluent in a language.[Chinese is impossible. So that leaves either Spanish or Japanese.] I actually think this is doable, but it means I can no longer be lazy.

II. Read over 200 books. This I know is destined to fail-- I came up with this one when I was drunk. I didn't realize at the time that 200 books means about a book every other day. And considering that it's already February and I haven't even completed one book this year...yeah. I'm a little behind. I may make the goal a 100, maybe even 50. We'll see.

III. Get pretty. But that's my goal every year. My teeth are no longer a mess anymore. I just need to get toned, get facial hair, and work on my sexy poses...

IV. Become a testing king. There are four tests I want to do well on this year-- LSATs[Law School Admission Test], GREs[Blah blah blah...grad school test/SATs part II], HSK[Hanyu Shuiping Kaoshi/Chinese Level Test], and the JLPT[Japanese Language Proficiency Test]. We'll see. I'm actually very worried. Everyone has been getting on my back about what I'm going to do after college.

Etc.

3. Boys?

Of course.

I feel as if there is a VERY thin line between "stay-at-home dork with no social skills" and "complete slut" and I've been straddling it for a while now. Only this past week I feel as if things are getting slightly out of control.

I'll go into more depth later, but for the duration of while I was in China, I was all over Pablo. Thinking about him all the time. I fell very hard-- perhaps the hardest I've ever fallen, save for Jay. The worst part was that I didn't know why I fell so hard-- I guess I'm attracted to guys who're smarter than me, and he at least is better with languages than I am. There was also that I just never saw it coming. He seemed too pretty for me.

And then there was Darville. I had this profile on this gay Asian website[which is also how two other guys at my university in China wound up finding me, but that's another story]. Anyway, so Darville contacted me, he's a nice kid. Seems to really like me-- or at least I think he just wants to find someone not-Chinese.[He's from Grenada] And I recently introduced him to another of my friends online, and now they're like hooking up or something. Great. I don't know how I feel about that.

Last week, it was Alvinn's 18th birthday. Alvinn and I have a special relationship-- I would jump over major hurdles for this kid. If you know me really well, I've probably told you about what a great program NJSEEDS is-- Alvinn and I are both alumni. I may have given the shpiel[sic?] already about it, but it's essentially a program that attempts to help urban youth, typically minorities, gain access to private, typically boarding, high schools. When Alvinn was 12, he started Phase 1 of the program-- at the time, I was 14 or so, and an intern. I helped my friend Nakeefa teach a Technology class that he was in. Anyway, Alvinn was very fast for his age-- he already knew he was gay and everything, whereas I didn't come out until two years later. And he had a crush on me at the time, which I felt was gross. 12 year olds.

BUT. He has been getting steadily more attractive and less 12-year-old-ish since he's turned 16. I still felt kind of peevish-- he was 16, I was 18. Felt like pedophilia. So I have been waiting for this kid to get some age on him-- even 18 is a little young, but I'm only 20 myself. Anyway, I can't even pretend to lie-- I like a lot of people, possibly too many, but Alvinn is very high on list. I'm just trying to wait for him to get older, get some experience. He also has a boyfriend, of whom I'm not sure I approve , but as long as Alvinn likes him, I'm wishing for the best.

Still, for his birthday night, we took him out to a club, Esquelita's, in NY. It was my first time as well. That was a crazy night. Besides being very drunk, there was a runin with the cops, and me seeing WAY too many people that I knew there. Pass. But, I did make out with Alvinn, in all of my drunken-ness. That is NOT how I wanted our first kiss to be.

Anyway, I'm not fiending for this kid at all-- he's more like a masterpiece that's as of yet unfinished. Like, one of those guys that I'll find myself always coming back to, at least mentally.

Okay. So that was last Saturday.

Yesterday, there was Julian. While I may catch flack for this, I am on gay sites and have been since high school. I have no interest in having sex with anyone from these things-- never have, possibly never will. In fact, my main reason is to get compliments, I guess[Low self esteem for the win!]. I've met two guys in the past from these things-- Paul, who was gross, and Matt, who was more gross. Not a good track record.

The problem is that sometimes these things cross into my real life-- for example, a guy from across the street is on one, and after running into him on person, he hit me up, asking if I was the same person. And while I'm hesitant to meet up with anyone from these things, especially after the bad experiences, it's also like...you live across the street. I wouldn't hesitate to talk to you if, say, we met into a different space. Are you that much more dangerous because you're online?

Etc. I have other thoughts on this issue, but I don't care to get into it right now. Point is, I use the stuff mainly for self-validation and to get some laughs. Friends would be great, but too many people annoy me. But then there are those that don't-- Julian for example, and Sean.[see below] I guess we can't be friends if we never meet, right? I met Julian yesterday.

We made out. It got a little further, and then I went home before anything happened. He actually lives like a few blocks from me. We just had a day walking around, running errands. He treated me to dinner. Then we went to his place and he gave me a drink-- which I suspected was spiked. Luckily, it wasn't. He's kind of cute, but he also is like 29? And looks kind of old. And honestly, I don't really think I need jumpoffs, though he is a great kisser.

IMMEDIATELY after I left, apparently there was this other guy, Sean, whom I gave my number like a month ago.[Which is weird, 'cause I give no one my number.] He's a cool guy, and I vaguely remember talking to him. We're gonna hang out on Friday in Newark, I guess. I don't think we're compatible, thank goodness-- he's on some pro-masculine shit, asking me if I want to be wifey/if I cook or something like that. Homo please, must be joking, haha. But otherwise, he's kind of funny-- as long as I keep myself out of the "possible jumpoff" zone, I think we should be fine.

So, I mean. I feel like in ONE WEEK, I've been with more guys than I have in like an entire year[not even counting that cute Latino boy at the poetry slam a while ago...mm. But I didn't holla at him, though I should have]. And I know, be cautious, etc. I'm definitely always thinking of escape routes. And am considering taking myself off of gay sites altogether-- even though I'm always listed as looking for friends, it never seems to work that way. Or at least all 3 have wound up escalating. I guess for most people this is normal, but I feel like college hookups are...different. I don't know.
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Of course the boy section was the biggest one. It's just a very odd feeling for me-- I feel like I'm a good person, kind of dorky, not really into crazy stuff. I drink a lot and like Asian languages. A mediocre dancer who likes to read, and has a coffee allergy, haha. And suddenly I feel like it'd be SO easy to just have a list of boys ready for the moment.

Or maybe I just need to have a "boys I like" list-- pretty much Shawn, Pablo, Alvinn, Darville. Anyone else is just extra.

Anyway, I'll try to make a more interesting entry next time-- less focused on drivel, etc.

Also? VOTE OBAMA 08.

;)