There's blood in my mouth, 'cause I've been biting my tongue all week.

There's this band I used to like, Rilo Kiley. They fell out of favor as I [re]discovered R&B, but I guess I just remembered why I liked them today.

I've got a few things to talk about. But FIRST:

inchoate - adj. newly begun, incomplete, not organized

Who the hell says inchoate? "My word, sally, the speech I've written to deliver in Gettysburg is still quite inchoate! And whither Mary Wollenstonecraft dares inspire me to write, I cannot write a sentence!"

Haha.

Well, anyway, I'm sick. Cough effin' sneeze sick. Boston's crazy-- we just got like six inches the other day[I was PERFECTLY happy with global warming, kthnx], and now I'm all slipping in ice and whatnot. It's gross and sad.

But that's not why I'm sick. I started getting the sniffles after I pointed out [correctly] to a friend that she's been at my college for like..eight years. Alright, I was being sarcastic, but I certainly didn't deserve her to splash an entire cup of water at me when it's like..8 degrees outside.

I mean, I was mad, if only because I knew what was gonna happen[I'd get sick, and it did happen]. But I guess I shouldn't dish it out if I can't take it? Especially from radioactive females who think it's okay to attack boys and get no sort of reprisal.

Man, I'm so tired of those games.

I mean, I remember thinking when I came out that since I was gay, girls wouldn't like...hit me when I said something funny, or do stupid stuff to me. They're just words-- I've got faults too, crack on me. But it never happens that way. I guess I've just gotta learn to keep my mouth shut more often.

Or get some armor.

Otherwise, I skipped two classes today. That may seem bad, but last semester[and...all of last year], I skipped class so much. Not even intentionally, but I just won't wake up if I don't want to-- or I'll turn off my alarm, go to sleep, and have no recollection of ever having woken up. For instance, last year, I went to like...less than half of all of my intro to philosophy classes. Still wound up with a B, though.

Anyway, now that my schedule practically starts at 12/1:30 everyday, waking up isn't so much of a problem. That said, today was pretty much all of my fault. I had a small reflection paper due today and an Economics problem set, stuff I've known about for a good while now. And, instead of doing it last night, or any other night, I decided to watch Oz instead.

Ohhh, man, do I love Oz. I have this habit, which is why I try not to watch television. Once I start a show, especially if I have the dvds or I'm downloading it, I have to finish it. It was like that with..every anime I've ever seen.[Yeah, I used to be addicted. Now, I only keep up with a few anime. Naruto, Death Note, etc.] It was like that with Noah's Arc.[Hell, it's still like that with Noah's Arc. I've seen each episode like 10 times. And I'm still gonna watch it after I finish Oz.] It was like that with Queer as Folk. And it's like that with Oz.

Spoilers for those who've never seen it, but back when it was on HBO, before I had cable, I'd go to my aunt's house or my grandmother's house to watch it every weekend. It came on Saturday nights, I think. So I already know what's gonna happen, but I'm just waiting for Beecher and Keller to...like, really fall in love again, and so I keep downloading and watching, thinking it's gonna be the next episode. And it still hasn't happened. Man. I'm anxious.

I'm on season three right now. Six more to go.

So, that's my television addiction. Oh, right, and anime. Naruto Shippuuden finally aired, which makes me happy. For those who don't know/care, I'll go for brevity: Naruto's this series about a blond haired brat who wants to become the top ninja in his village, and the anime has been sucking for at least about two years. So I've just been keeping up with the comics.[Which, were also pretty good this week. Probably because of Sasuke.] Anyway, Shippuuden is the show finally following the comics again, and the premiere was really good, I thought. So, yay.

But that's that.

What's really concerning me, I think, is my faith. I mean, I won't pretend I'm a good Catholic-- I think I'm more about the trappings than the actual doctrine. I haven't read the bible for a few years, but I still think about...tattooing "Mary, full of grace" on my arm and "Hail Mary" on my back, and I've got a Mary poster on my wall. Which I think is another problem-- I feel like I know that God comes first, and I recognize God/Christ above all things, but my mind always seems to come back to Mary. I don't know what that's about.

So, the point is I recognize my failings. And I try to be humble in as many manners as I can-- not to force my religion on people, to only talk about it when asked, etc. But I'm starting to wonder about my friends-- granted, a lot of it is just stupid banter and mean jokes, but...I almost feel like I'm being demeaned? And if it continues, I think I'm going to have to bring it up.

I don't want to be tolerated. It's kind of like being gay, for me, being a Catholic-- it's integral to me. I've made my own decision, of my own avowal, and I don't feel comfortable being demeaned for my religious affections.

I feel as if I'm almost losing my way, or something, like I need to pray more. Get my life together. I think I'm getting carried away with being social and forgetting what gives my life meaning. God. Family. Love.

But I also feel as if I'm being self-righteous, which is probably inevitable for me. I'm not even really looking for counsel. I think I just need some down time to re-evaluate where I'm going with my life.

Also, I was thinking of giving up alcohol for Lent, almost as a way of punishing myself[because, Oh man, do I drink often]. But I can't figure out if my reasons are good. Yeah, it's hard, but is that sufficient reason? I'm pretty sure I can think of equally hard things. Using the computer for recreation, for example. Shopping. Partying. And it goes on.

I guess I think I may be using this because I want to distance myself from people or something. Especially since a friend just told me that my giving up alcohol is ridiculous/impossible. I mean, yeah, I guess it was funny, but it's also serious. I shouldn't give it up to prove it to her-- that's not the point of Lent at all. The point is to empathize with Christ's suffering in the desert, from fasting and whatnot. To recognize suffering.

I'm sorry, I'm being all serious and stuff about this.

But that aside, I've been having a lot of good luck lately. I guess I'll talk about that later, though.

Later, holmes and holmettes.

Hercules in his smile-lines.

Sorry, I've been tied up with academia BS. I keep thinking, "I've gotta write something here when I've got the time", but it never actually happened.

And the word of the day is...

luculent- limpid: (of language) transparently clear; easily understandable; "writes in a limpid style"; "lucid directions"; "a luculent oration"

Hmm. Soon, maybe I'll actually be ready for the GREs.

So, I decided to petition so that I could take six classes. Study abroad applications were due this week also, and I finally declared the philosophy major, so I've just been running around trying to get my stuff together. Whew.

And now: F school.

I came home last night/this morning[I have braces, so I come home every month to get my braces tightened]. And man, it's funny how sobering coming home actually is.

I was talking to my mom about finances...and apparently we have a lot less saved than I thought. Like, I thought we set aside the money for my braces[the procedure's "cosmetic", so my insurance doesn't cover any of my braces costs]. But, suddenly she has like...50 dollars in the bank? Well, not counting paychecks, but I just don't get where it goes.

Like, part of the reason why I try not to spend her money is so that she can save some for herself. But it still doesn't work. And she doesn't spend it on herself, so I just have no idea where it goes. I know there are random unexpected bills we've been having, but I thought we'd still have more saved.

Anyway, money aside, it just puts things back in perspective. At school, when you're surrounded by these kids who really don't plan or have to worry about basic stuff, it kinda slows down my pace a little. And it's cool to have fun, I guess, but I don't think I'm as mature at school? It's a good thing, to be around people your own age and do work and drink and party and all that, but...maintaining priorities is definitely a struggle.

Finances aside, I just love being around my mother. I'm a major momma's boy.

Also, something that caught me was when I was on the shuttle to the train station, from school. This kid, who I figured was gay from the start anyway, was telling me about how he had a date with this boy at the nearby movie theatre. They were going to see Pan's Labyrinth, which I totally recommend if you can find it. It's brutal, but it's good. When he called it a date, though, it just kinda struck me because...I don't think I've ever had one?

I mean, I've dated girls, but I don't really count those. I mean, not going to give the entire T on my boy history, but I've never dated a guy. Like, when I first came out I was so sex crazy that I thought it was just a waste of money and time, I guess. Or I'd go to a club/party with my friends and that'd be my social activity for the night. I also think I've just never been keen on emotional commitments-- I've had a boyfriend, but we never really..dated? Like, it wasn't romantic at all, it was just a friendship on a really deep level. I mean, it was great, but I just think I've never been ready to put myself out there and be emotionally involved with someone.

So, I think that's gonna be my new resolution for 2007. To...have a date.

In other news, did I say I love being home? (=. Boston is gross.

I'm not going to leave you.

It's funny, listening to Jennifer Hudson belt out "I am telling you, 'I'm not going' completely dominates my attention. Like, I've been reading this manuscript for class and I forgot my comments just because of me having to sing along at specific parts.

I've had the Dreamgirls soundtrack on repeat for the past hour.

In another news, my forgetfulness must be pretty obvious by now. I totally forgot about my vocab word idea.[And, the whole identity keyword thing, but that seemed like a partially tedious idea anyway.]

Vocabulary word of the day: Desuetude.

desuetude \DES-wih-tood, -tyood\, noun:
The cessation of use; discontinuance of practice or custom; disuse.

Found that on some GRE flashcards.

This week was like...pure academic confusion. I'm still taking all of the classes that I had planned beforehand, but I just don't know what I'm going to major in anymore. To give some sort of background information, I'm really trying to sap as much from my college education that I possibly can. For one, I'm trying to go to China for my fall semester next year[I'll be a junior], and Japan for my spring semester. The main problem is that I have no money, so I'm gonna see what financial aid can hook me up with...that's what it there for, right? And it's not like I want to play around, I do want to get fluent in Chinese and Japanese.

Asia's gonna control my life, I guess.

Anyway, for another, I'm also trying..to triple major, I guess? But I kinda made things hard for myself. My school has a lot of annoying requirements, and I've gotten most of them done, it's just really science and art credits.[By the way, 1 credit = 1 class, most of the time.] Science is being the real thorn in my backside. I know the International Relations major will happen-- it requires like...20 specific credits, and I've got about 12 of them. The other contenders are Japanese, which is pretty likely as a second major, Chinese, and Philosophy.

Philosophy stands out I guess, being the least...Asian/international, and it's the hardest for me to complete. The major requires 10 credits and I've got..4. Y'see, this would all be so easy if I weren't going abroad next year-- I'm only a sophomore, so I'm actually kind of ahead with 4 already. But it's just I'm really not gonna have the time as a senior to complete the major unless I take summer classes or..really load up senior year. I don't know.

I'm in this Philosophy seminar right now, Cultural Evolution, and I feel pretty overwhelmed, I guess. My philosophy classes have usually been concerned with ethics and whatnot, but this one is more about theoretical anthropology, memetics, and using a Darwinian approach to areas other than biology. I just feel...really not as well read as any of my other classmates.

I like challenges and all, but I'm just not sure if I want to invest all of this effort.

Oh well. Sorry, all of this academic nonsense must be boring, but I just need to air my thoughts.

Cauliflower dreamer.

I'm at work, but 'work' is never actually a big thing anyway...so.

One thing I haven't mentioned is that I'm a real prolific dreamer.

Like, I just have really...weird dreams, all the time. I think it's the food I eat.

I had these weird nightmares last week that I was getting raped by my best friend[who's female, which makes it even weirder] and it was just so freaky. I remember waking up angry as hell.

But I don't want to go into too much detail on that.

Anyway, in the dream I had last night, I came home from school and my mother had converted to becoming a Jehovah's Witness. She didn't act like a real Jehovah's Witness, though-- she just acted like she was in a cult. Suddenly we couldn't eat this, and I couldn't do that-- and I remember just telling her that the whole thing was BS[no offense to any actual JWs out there-- it wasn't really an accurate depiction in my dream anyway]. We kept arguing and I kept throwing away her little JW trinkets and eventually her 'leader' type guy came over to our house for a true JW dinner. And it was like..orange juice and some Glazed donuts. And, for some reason I was really hungry, so I was fiending for my donut.

But, when I went to get it from the refrigerator, the leader guy just told me how I was making the home environment uncomfortable for a new convert like my mother, and that I was some heathen who was converting her from the path of righteousness, or something like that. And then we got into it. Eventually I said, "I just want my freakin' donut", and he told me that I didn't deserve the whole thing and only gave me a slice of it. I got really heated after that. When he left, I tried to eat the rest, and my mother and I got into it. So I called over my aunt and my cousins. I was just, like, "You are being brainwashed! Y'know, religion is important, so if you wanna throw your soul away then I don't even know if we should live together."

And then she kicked me out. And my uncle did some shady hustling stuff.

Sorry, me telling it is wordy to the max, but it was so weird as it happened. Especially since the only reason I woke up was because my mom called-- I was almost just about to say, "Why did you become a Jehovah's Witness!?!?"

So bizarre. I love Jehovah's Witnesses, =P

She gon' take everything I own...

Y'know, I'm tired of losing friends.

That's the hardest thing about the coming out process, bar none. Luckily, for me they've been peripheral friends-- kids I'd hang with and whatnot, who were fun but not necessarily people I'd trust. I don't know what I'd do if my mom had disowned me, for example.

We actually had a talk about this over Winter Break, my mother and I, about what I would have done. In the back of my mind I had a few friends whom I'd already come out to who I expected to put me up for a while until I found something more permanent. Then, there was the fact that I was going to college the year after, so I was hoping that would work. If my mom didn't have my back, everybody else in my family would have gotten word of it and it probably would have been a mass disowning. As it is now, I haven't come out to my aunts or any of the older relatives.

Everything turning out great was entirely situational, which I think it took me a while to get used to. If I'd been born to, say, any of my other aunts, for example, I'd have been kicked out, definitely. Or something would have happened, like sending me down South to 'fix' me. For a while, though, I think I had this privileged attitude like "well, if you're not out, you're not worth my time"-- but that's so myopic and immature, I think I've realized. For example, if I knew my mother'd disown me, especially since she's all I have, I never would have even come out at all. Definitely not in school, either, especially since word would get back home at some point. And so I'd definitely be in my 20's or 30's before I eventually took the big step, once I was out of school and had my own stability.

Anyway, for a while, I think I just frowned upon the whole DL thing-- and I think I still do, to some extent. I can't help it-- lying's unfortunate, especially about your sexuality. When it's necessary, it's necessary; but when you're 38 and still 'in the closet', I have trouble accepting that. I mean, I can understand wanting to maintain connections to people who'd throw you out of their lives, if they'd known, but I don't know. I guess I'm simple, but if I'm so replaceable that you could stop talking to me over whom I sleep with and whom I don't, then I wouldn't be able to help coming to the conclusion that I never really meant much to you at all. Y'know? But it could just be me.

I think there's a snobbery that comes with coming out, at least for me, like we're doing the right thing and the liars and deceivers aren't. And, while that may be what I think, I should also try to be humble and remember that we're all just human. So the self-righteousness is probably unnecessary.

This was because of someone else recently finding out I'm gay, which really isn't much of a secret anyway. [S]he and I aren't friends anymore, I guess.

Which reminds me, something that I still haven't gotten over, and still should probably confront my cousins over, is them reading my Myspace, seeing the 'gay' for sexual orientation, and sending it through the entire family chain. That s*it was ridiculous, especially since they act as if it never happened, and we still act normally. I mean, now there's just this tension whenever dating comes up, and I really don't know why they thought that'd even be interesting to do. Especially since they weren't being malicious.

I try not to care about too much, I guess, just keep things simple. Be moral. Live my life, love as much as I can, be as honest as I can.

Definitely hard, though.

I wanna wade in the sonic joy.

Now that I'm sober, not half-asleep and I have a full belly, I think I can write something not completely vapid.

Oh, yeah, I was talking to someone the other day about how important vocabulary is, and how detrimental college has actually been to the amount of vocab I actually remember. The result is that I'm gonna put up a new word every entry that I didn't know the definition of off-hand.

Starting now.

Pusillanimous- poor-spirited, unmanly, lacking in courage and manly strength and resolution; contemptibly fearful

Wow, that's a mouthful. I'm pretty sure this is the first time I've ever encountered it.

Big vocabularies mean stronger writing...or so I used to believe in 10th grade.

Anyway, onto real things. This past Saturday, I had a pow-wow with some of my gal pals after going to some parties over pizza and vodka.[Well, if that's not gay man behavior, I don't know what is.]

The topic of the conversation was that while we may talk about relationship woes and stuff, I usually don't talk about my issues, at all. It's always them and their boyfriends, but as I said, I'm more of a listener, anyway. Well, that and I prefer to think they're not really equipped to handle my problems or will suggest solutions that don't really work for me. But that's also just because I'm weird.

So, they made me give a diatribe about my recent dating history, I guess, and I eventually wound up saying something to effect, "I'm tired of white guys" or something like that, or the gay community at large is a racist institution. And I think I took it for granted that they'd let it slide, but one of my friends made a joke about me not liking white people, which isn't really true it all. I'd like to think I was mainly venting, but I'm also just...tired of white guys.

I've only dated a few, but I think I've been with more white guys than Black or Latino, probably. I guess what I really meant in less offensive terms is that I'm tired of the white guys on the cover of Out/whatever other gay-themed magazines there are, who all seem to share interests in the same garbage. It's like, if I want to date someone in school, the pool is pretty much white-- and to encounter them, I'm going to have to dance to their bad Madonna remixes, or go to some dinner/play/whatever, or buy into some culture that I have nothing in common with. I just feel like I've had my fill, and I'm really uninterested.

For a while, I think I was partially under the impression that dating people from similar backgrounds as me[by which I mean, poor] would be backwards, that it'd be contrary to any sort of upward mobility that I was trying to get. And so I wound up selling myself on this glitter-and-Abercrombie lifestyle that really doesn't work for me at all.

Of course, I don't mean to characterize an entire race of people either, but I'm tired of being careful with my words. Words are weapons, man.

It's like, you've got the white guys who are looking for black guys[and that just grosses me out to hell and back], and then you've got the 'normal' ones, I guess, who range anywhere along the spectrum. And, for me anyway, to get with the normal ones usually meant aligning my interests with them and a trivialization of my own.

So, maybe you can blame a bad dating history.

I still don't think this is satisfactory, either, but maybe someone else will make the point with a much stronger argument and I'll just latch on.

Maybe we can say this was the entry about gayness? But it's about blackness, too.

Whatever. Maybe I'll just ditch the keyword thing.

"Inside out, upside down twisting besides myself."

By the way, the entry title and that quote are lyrics from some Imogen Heap songs-- I was on her album, "Speak for yourself" this entire summer. Definitely give her stuff a listen if you've got the time-- "Hide and Seek" not so much, I think.

Well, that's all I've got for now. Chao, kids.

Edit: I was still thinking about it.

I think the truth of the matter is that I don't necessarily have a negative interest in white males, it's more so that I've got a much greater interest in gay men of color.

It tends to come out as me getting annoyed with white guys, if only because I feel like that has to be an active thing, since that's all I'm confronted with. Maybe.

Sorry, I couldn't resist adding.

Meme machines.

I promised myself that I'd make a post since I've been neglecting to do so, but it's four in the morning and I really can't churn out any good material right now.

Plus, I'm really lazy.

So, I'll post a survey.[I won't do this often, cross my heart.] I just need to put something on here, it's a compulsion.

1. The phone rings. Who do you want it to be?
Jeremy, but I don't think he has my number.

2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?
Yeah, I do, most of the time.

3. In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener?
With most of my friends, I'm the listener. Unless I'm being wacky.

4. Do you take compliments well?
It depends on who says it. I'd say no, I don't, in general.

5. Do you play Sudoku?
It bores me.

6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive?
I doubt it.

7. Your fear?
Losing my values.

8. Did you ever go to camp as a kid?
I went to NJ SEEDS, which is better than camp.

9. What was your favorite game as a kid?
Monopoly, maybe. Or Life.

10. If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was married, would you?
I have previously. I hope nowadays I'm secure enough to say no.

12. Could you date someone with different religious beliefs than you?
Well, I doubt I'd do well with a diabolist. But otherwise, I think so.

13. Do you like to pursue or be pursued?
Hmm. I want to say pursue, but I also don't want to...purse someone I can't have.

14. Use three words to describe yourself?
passionate, proud, idealistic.

15. Do any songs make you cry?
Experiences make me cry, not songs.

16. Are you continuing your education?
Yeah. College student.

17. Do you know how to shoot a gun?
Nah, I don't.

18. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you grabbed?
My laptop. Took so much work to actually buy one-- I couldn't just let all that burn up.

19. How often do you read books?
Pretty often, though nowadays it's often for class. I read about five books over winter break, so that's a little more than a book a week, when I don't have class.

I'm reading The Selfish Gene right now, hence the title of this entry. It's really interesting, but it's for class, so it's thick.

20. Do you think more about the past, present or future?
The present the most.

21. What is your favorite children's book?
The Cat in the Hat. There was also this series I had that I can't remember.

22.What color are your eyes?
Brown.

23. How tall are you?
5'4.[Hence, olashorty.]

24. Where is your dream house located?
China? Japan?
I don't have a dream house.

25. What did you do last night?
Went out partying, got drunk, had a pow wow with some of the friends.

26. What are you doing tonight?
Tonight is over. If you mean Sunday night, I had dinner, watched anime, and read The Selfish Gene. Monday night I've got Blackout practice.

27. Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth?
Yeah, a bunch of times.

28. When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?
Never.

30. Where was the furthest place you traveled today?
Downhill to grab dinner.

32. Do you like mustard?
Yeah.

33. Do you prefer to sleep or eat?
Eat.
I eat like no other.

34. Do you look like your mom or dad?
I've gotten conflicting opinions...but my mom says I resemble my father. Plus, she's light-skinned.

35. How long does it take you in the shower?
Probably like an hour if I've got the time.

36. Can you do splits?
Nah, but I'm working on it.

37. What movie do you want to see right now?
Tongues Untied. I just saw Paris is Burning, but Tongues Untied is supposed to be more relevant to current gay black culture.

39. What did you do for New Year's?
I went to sleep. =P

40. Do you think The Grudge was scary?
Didn't see it.

42. Do you own a camera phone?
No.

44. Was your mom a cheerleader?
No.

45. What's the last letter of your middle name?
L.[Kudos if you guess it.]

47. How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
I don't know, around six?

48. Do you like care bears?
I remember I recorded Power Rangers over my cousin's video of that show. So, no.

49. What do you buy at the movies?
Tickets? I'm certainly not buying the overpriced popcorn and hotdogs.

50. Do you know how to play poker?
Nope.

51.Do you wear your seatbelt?
Yeah. Car accidents are no joke.

52. What do you wear to sleep?
Basketball shorts and a t shirt, usually.

53. Anything big ever happen in your hometown?
Yeah. Some guy brought in anthrax into our mall over break, or something.

54. How many meals do you eat a day?
Usually 2, 'cause I have issues getting up for breakfast.

55. Is your tongue pierced?
No.

56. Do you always read MySpace bulletins?
nope

58. Do you like funny or serious people better?
Funny.

59. Ever been to L.A.?
Unfortunately no.

60. Did you eat a cookie today?
Nah.

61. Do you use cuss words in other languages?
I rarely use curse words in English, so...

62. Do you steal or pay for your music downloads?
Steal. Sorry.

63. Do you hate chocolate?
Nah, I don't.

64. What do you and your parents fight about the most?
The way I dress, specifically since I don't believe in wearing jackets.

65. Are you a gullible person?
To an extent.
I prefer to think I like to believe in people, heh.

66. Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy?
Hell to the NAW.

67. If you could have any job (assuming you have the skills) what would it be?
The Pope.
No question.

68. Are you easy to get along with?
Yeah. I guess be a little high energy sometimes.

69. What is your favorite time of day?
Like, two in the afternoon.

That was an abrupt last question. And sorry, some of these questions are misnumbered.

Oh well. I'm out.
An actual entry soon.