Yo.
NEW WORD:
Bivouac: 1 : a usually temporary encampment under little or no shelter
2 a : encampment usually for a night b : a temporary or casual shelter or lodging
And now that that's out of the way--
I hate to do two negative entries right after another, but I guess it's not really avoidable.
So, as I practiced Chinese in the common room of some random dorm at like four in the morning, I was just getting angrier and angrier. What set me off was my not having anywhere to stay, and the subsequent reflections on that, I guess. I don't really care about the specifics anymore, I guess the bottom line is that I thought I only wanted minimal shit-- y'know, a corner to put a sleeping bag that I was gonna borrow, or someone to open the door so I wouldn't get locked out. Or just having access to the bathroom. And I think there was pride involved on my part, too-- I kind of expected an unequivocal okay to my request, so when I felt as if I had to ask twice, or what would have been three times as the case actually was, it was as if I was begging and I really don't like begging, much less my friends.
I guess after that, it was the fact that people that I'm much less closer to saw me and just said yes off the bat when they realized I didn't have anywhere to go that really got me going. I said no, of course-- by then, I was already in this kind of "fuck you" mode and resolved to stay on my couch. And then I started thinking about everything else that's illicited this kind of anger from me-- like, not being able to get back into Cage[the night before my drunken church escapades] and my friends not picking up the phone. Despite my being like, seven feet from one of their faces, kicking the door, yelling their names at the window, the works.
I guess my problem is that I feel as if I give a lot more than I get very often-- I comfort you when you're crying, but you can't pick up your phone or open the door? Dead ass though? And before that, there was Anita, and before Anita there was Brit, and before Brit maybe there was Iasha. Throw Matt in there somewhere. And I guess the ultimate reason is that I usually can't get along with stable, considerate people for whatever reason-- mainly because they're usually so boring. So I become friends with these people, who even if they do care, time and time again just act in ways indicative of a sort of disregard-- or maybe it's just that I feel as if I'd do a lot for people, so I get disappointed really fast when I don't get the same back.
And at first, I just wanted to argue about it, but while I'm still angry, I guess I should just try to live with the fruit of my actions. I was wondering if this was indicative of my own tendency to get mad over stupid shit, or if this is the type of anger I need to master to be a better person. But it's probably not that serious, haha.
I'm pretty sure I once gave someone advice who was in this same type of situation-- when you're in what you feel is an unhealthy relationship, you stop stressing yourself about it or you completely disengage. And I don't even know how I wound up like this. By "this", I mean stupidly overdramatic, concerned with hurting his or her feelings-- "Oh no, she reads this, I shouldn't write that in my blog. I shouldn't say this around her, I should do this." ...What? Haha. I don't know what happened to my fearlessness, but it certainly hasn't been with me for my college career. I need to get my balls back from whoever took them, and I think that's part of what my recent work outs have been about.[This might be for another entry, but I've been feeling increasingly violent-- as if I just want to have an actual fist fight for once. And I'm pretty sure my fitness level is not up to par-- and I also just haven't had a fight since...middle school? haha]
In other news, I completely messed up by not refrigerating my typhoid pills. Now, they're dead. Great. I swear, I need to stop acting like I'm balling or something-- these bills just keep coming from everywhere and I gotta remember that despite hanging with these kids with income...I'm poor, haha.
Wow, I feel a lot better. And Namie Amuro has a promotional video for her new single, "Funky Town" which takes me back to my Namie days in high school. <3. And I almost lost hope for Japanese pop. [And I think BoA* may have a PV for "Sweet Impact", too? Werk it, werk it.]
Haha, maybe I'll do a happier entry later today. Or something that isn't teenage melodrama. =P
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Friday, May 25, 2007
Iron Jails and Puppy Dog Tails.
It's been a while.
It is very much like me that the only time I've felt like making an entry is when I'm feeling at my lowest, but oh well, =P.
So, no new word.
The word on the street is: I KNOW I like adversity and all, but really? Can I get a break?
-- I didn't get either of the SEEDS jobs I wanted.[It's funny-- for the Media whatever, my two good friends wound up getting it while I stupidly forgot to schedule my own damn interview; for the Leadership Position, I just flat out didn't get it.] And I don't know why I didn't get the Leadership thing. I've worked with SEEDS for five years[which I'm pretty sure is more than 95% of the applicants they were getting; the other sites in general don't really have our site's same intern-longevity], I've done community service, I've been working since I was of age. I've a demonstrated interest in education.
It could be because I missed her original phone call for the interview, but my phone was dead. Hmm.
--Getting my passport has been a bitch and a half. I have been going to various Post Offices/Passport places, calling the National Passport Information Center for over two weeks, and also eMailing them. All for an address. Study Abroad Office is getting down my neck about visa applications, and I can't finish my application because I have no passport. I have no passport because my application is incomplete. My application is incomplete because they don't have my birth certificate. And, technically, they did have my birth certificate, but my city invalidated it and made me get another one.[Which was another piece of crap to deal with. I hate VitalChek.] They don't have it now because they WOULD NOT give me an address to send my birth certificate too.
I swear. Thankfully, I finally got through yesterday[and it was so random, too-- I'm so used to dialing the NPIC that it's just habitual, and I was only on like...my fifth redial at 2 p.m. when, instead of getting hung up on, I actually heard-- gasp-- the classical music they play when you're on hold! I almost screamed.] and I overnight-ed everything today. So, hopefully things will work out. Hopefully.
--I am probably the worst Catholic I know. I went to some club in Hoboken, which was a big mistake, with Summer and Nakeefa and wound up walking back home after I couldn't get back in.[Ugh] Then, I had my cousin's confirmation to go to at 9 AM the next day. I was so drunk in that church, it's ridiculous-- I reeked of alcohol. Everyone in my family thinks I'm an alcoholic, my grandfather now has an actual reason to tease me with beer. I am so embarrassed.
Oh, and I wound up throwing up right outside of the church. I really thought I was gonna wind up doing it in the pews; somehow, I made it.
Oh, forgive me, Jesus.
I guess the worst part about this is that all of these are all my fault. 1. My fault for not being a good enough candidate for the job. 2. My fault for losing my rejection letter[Which had the address on it]. 3. My fault for drinking and for going out in the first place[especially when I knew the only thing I ate that day was a bit of rice.].
Honestly, the only good thing that's happened since I've been home has probably been Shawn visiting in NJ. And getting his letter. That made me really happy.
I'm gonna try to get my life together. I've been studying Chinese, and wow, I didn't forget as much as I thought. But I'm still really out of practice. I also have been halfassedly exercising, but I need to step it up a little.
And I will...after I have some ice cream.
I still cannot believe I didn't get that job. I feel like such a damn loser. I don't really need any pick-me-ups either-- I think this is the wakeup call I needed.
Get. your. shit. together.
It is very much like me that the only time I've felt like making an entry is when I'm feeling at my lowest, but oh well, =P.
So, no new word.
The word on the street is: I KNOW I like adversity and all, but really? Can I get a break?
-- I didn't get either of the SEEDS jobs I wanted.[It's funny-- for the Media whatever, my two good friends wound up getting it while I stupidly forgot to schedule my own damn interview; for the Leadership Position, I just flat out didn't get it.] And I don't know why I didn't get the Leadership thing. I've worked with SEEDS for five years[which I'm pretty sure is more than 95% of the applicants they were getting; the other sites in general don't really have our site's same intern-longevity], I've done community service, I've been working since I was of age. I've a demonstrated interest in education.
It could be because I missed her original phone call for the interview, but my phone was dead. Hmm.
--Getting my passport has been a bitch and a half. I have been going to various Post Offices/Passport places, calling the National Passport Information Center for over two weeks, and also eMailing them. All for an address. Study Abroad Office is getting down my neck about visa applications, and I can't finish my application because I have no passport. I have no passport because my application is incomplete. My application is incomplete because they don't have my birth certificate. And, technically, they did have my birth certificate, but my city invalidated it and made me get another one.[Which was another piece of crap to deal with. I hate VitalChek.] They don't have it now because they WOULD NOT give me an address to send my birth certificate too.
I swear. Thankfully, I finally got through yesterday[and it was so random, too-- I'm so used to dialing the NPIC that it's just habitual, and I was only on like...my fifth redial at 2 p.m. when, instead of getting hung up on, I actually heard-- gasp-- the classical music they play when you're on hold! I almost screamed.] and I overnight-ed everything today. So, hopefully things will work out. Hopefully.
--I am probably the worst Catholic I know. I went to some club in Hoboken, which was a big mistake, with Summer and Nakeefa and wound up walking back home after I couldn't get back in.[Ugh] Then, I had my cousin's confirmation to go to at 9 AM the next day. I was so drunk in that church, it's ridiculous-- I reeked of alcohol. Everyone in my family thinks I'm an alcoholic, my grandfather now has an actual reason to tease me with beer. I am so embarrassed.
Oh, and I wound up throwing up right outside of the church. I really thought I was gonna wind up doing it in the pews; somehow, I made it.
Oh, forgive me, Jesus.
I guess the worst part about this is that all of these are all my fault. 1. My fault for not being a good enough candidate for the job. 2. My fault for losing my rejection letter[Which had the address on it]. 3. My fault for drinking and for going out in the first place[especially when I knew the only thing I ate that day was a bit of rice.].
Honestly, the only good thing that's happened since I've been home has probably been Shawn visiting in NJ. And getting his letter. That made me really happy.
I'm gonna try to get my life together. I've been studying Chinese, and wow, I didn't forget as much as I thought. But I'm still really out of practice. I also have been halfassedly exercising, but I need to step it up a little.
And I will...after I have some ice cream.
I still cannot believe I didn't get that job. I feel like such a damn loser. I don't really need any pick-me-ups either-- I think this is the wakeup call I needed.
Get. your. shit. together.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Some wind in my spine, some fear in my smile lines.
Finally! A week until classes are over.
New word:
galumph \guh-LUHM(P)F\, intransitive verb:
To move in a clumsy manner or with a heavy tread.
Man, that word even sounds clumsy. "Yo, I saw that obsede chick galumphing around, looking for the bus stop, and I pretended not to see her."
Haha, not funny.
Okay, so, news wise. Let's see. Everyone still seems kinda excited about the Vtech shooting, and for good reason I suppose, but I remember reading somewhere that it's only proof of American privilege..? Like, we have the mayor of Nagasaki getting shot, killings going on daily in Iraq, renewed violence in Sri Lanka, and the only thing we can talk about is Don Imus and Vtech...?
I feel like getting overly philosophical about this[ ie. is the critique simply quantitative, that since more human life is being lost in Iraq, we shouldn't put so much attention on Vtech?], but I won't. I feel as if, especially lately, prioritizing tragedy and whatnot has been coming up a lot lately with people I've been talking to, and so I wanted to mention it.
It's really nice up in Boston for once, finally. Very excited for school to be over. Very, very.
And now, I think I'm gonna head out. I'll try to write more later.
Chao.
New word:
galumph \guh-LUHM(P)F\, intransitive verb:
To move in a clumsy manner or with a heavy tread.
Man, that word even sounds clumsy. "Yo, I saw that obsede chick galumphing around, looking for the bus stop, and I pretended not to see her."
Haha, not funny.
Okay, so, news wise. Let's see. Everyone still seems kinda excited about the Vtech shooting, and for good reason I suppose, but I remember reading somewhere that it's only proof of American privilege..? Like, we have the mayor of Nagasaki getting shot, killings going on daily in Iraq, renewed violence in Sri Lanka, and the only thing we can talk about is Don Imus and Vtech...?
I feel like getting overly philosophical about this[ ie. is the critique simply quantitative, that since more human life is being lost in Iraq, we shouldn't put so much attention on Vtech?], but I won't. I feel as if, especially lately, prioritizing tragedy and whatnot has been coming up a lot lately with people I've been talking to, and so I wanted to mention it.
It's really nice up in Boston for once, finally. Very excited for school to be over. Very, very.
And now, I think I'm gonna head out. I'll try to write more later.
Chao.
Monday, April 16, 2007
And the boy shut his bible and fluttered his eyelashes, saying, "These here are the end times."
I don't know if everyone's heard yet, but the worst school shooting in US history happened today at Virginia Tech. As of right now, 29 people died and 28 people are injured.
I wonder how long it's going to take for us to realize that we doing today's children a real disservice and causing their unhealthy development. Personally, I refuse to believe these school shootings are isolated incidents, particularly given the momentum they're gaining. What about the Red Lake High School Massacre? Or The Dawson School shooting across the border in Canada? Either Columbine is having a really delayed domino effect, or something weird is going on.
What I would REALLY like to see is this sort of thing addressed by a presidential candidate for 2008, or even what el jefe Bush has to say. I think it's really important, the topic of children. And not just about this incident, but in general, addressing the mental and emotional health of middle and high school students.[I immediately thought of how college students are the more narcissistic now than ever, so maybe we should include young adults in the discussion too]
And I don't want to sound preachy, but I think the first thing that Americans, particularly parents, should be doing is thinking about the ways their raising their children. I feel as if so many people are so self-righteous, so determined to think they know what's best for a child. Really, though?
I also feel like bringing in Cultural Evolution stuff, but I won't.
Anyway, it just caught my attention and I wanted to say something. I do think, for whatever reason, kids today are...more unstable than their/our predecessors. I think a more religious argument, or at least one with more Premillennialist leanings, might say it's a sign of the inability of the government to behave morally. But there are so many ways in which living today is different from living thirty or even twenty years ago-- the mass media becoming even more massive, and the subsequent exposure to violence and sex, how school as an institution has changed in the past years, the state of the economy and the slight shifts in class structure, what we think about health and nutrition. It makes me wish I knew more about child development because there are so many variables involved.
Man.
I wonder how long it's going to take for us to realize that we doing today's children a real disservice and causing their unhealthy development. Personally, I refuse to believe these school shootings are isolated incidents, particularly given the momentum they're gaining. What about the Red Lake High School Massacre? Or The Dawson School shooting across the border in Canada? Either Columbine is having a really delayed domino effect, or something weird is going on.
What I would REALLY like to see is this sort of thing addressed by a presidential candidate for 2008, or even what el jefe Bush has to say. I think it's really important, the topic of children. And not just about this incident, but in general, addressing the mental and emotional health of middle and high school students.[I immediately thought of how college students are the more narcissistic now than ever, so maybe we should include young adults in the discussion too]
And I don't want to sound preachy, but I think the first thing that Americans, particularly parents, should be doing is thinking about the ways their raising their children. I feel as if so many people are so self-righteous, so determined to think they know what's best for a child. Really, though?
I also feel like bringing in Cultural Evolution stuff, but I won't.
Anyway, it just caught my attention and I wanted to say something. I do think, for whatever reason, kids today are...more unstable than their/our predecessors. I think a more religious argument, or at least one with more Premillennialist leanings, might say it's a sign of the inability of the government to behave morally. But there are so many ways in which living today is different from living thirty or even twenty years ago-- the mass media becoming even more massive, and the subsequent exposure to violence and sex, how school as an institution has changed in the past years, the state of the economy and the slight shifts in class structure, what we think about health and nutrition. It makes me wish I knew more about child development because there are so many variables involved.
Man.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Living the life of a boxed-in chamber singer.
So, my econ t.a. found my problem set[and I told him I don't think he checked the mailbox I put my assignment in, but he swore he did] and is gonna give me a 68/70 on my other one for calling me a liar. Holla.[Also, no more tests before the final...? I'm really going to need to ace this final, then...and read the book, =(]
I then overslept and missed work and like..half of my Japanese class, during which we had a test. So I ran to class in some non-matching hideousness and apologized and took the test. Apparently, the second draft of an essay was due today too, but I didn't realize it was due today. Damn. To stay positive though, and hopefully not...too cocky, I think I may have done well on this test, but who knows.
No news today. No new word either, I'm about to take a shower-- I just wanted to talk about things turning around little by little. Next week is gonna be good.[And a day off on Monday, whaaaaat?]
One love.
I then overslept and missed work and like..half of my Japanese class, during which we had a test. So I ran to class in some non-matching hideousness and apologized and took the test. Apparently, the second draft of an essay was due today too, but I didn't realize it was due today. Damn. To stay positive though, and hopefully not...too cocky, I think I may have done well on this test, but who knows.
No news today. No new word either, I'm about to take a shower-- I just wanted to talk about things turning around little by little. Next week is gonna be good.[And a day off on Monday, whaaaaat?]
One love.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
He's a trainwreck in between my ears.
Man, what a perfect word to describe things right now: trainwreck.
Speaking of words: Word of the day.
brio \BREE-oh\, noun:
Enthusiastic vigor; vivacity; liveliness; spirit.
I don't feel like talking about stuff I've read today, but I'll do it just to keep the habit. I was on Powerline today, semi-surprisingly. Powerline is a fairly medium-conservative blog that I initially used to go to as a foil to DailyKos[Both are kinda myopic in the news coverage] back when I was trying to become a blogwhore in high school. Anyway, so I checked in, and [unsurprisingly] the author didn't have a comment about the Imus-Rutgers debacle, but he did post two comments that he felt were noteworthy. I'm doing this from memory, but I think they were to the point of the girls' team being whiners/thin-skinned, and that if they were going to cry foul every time someone broke the rules, then they're going to have a hard reckoning with the real world. I think there was also a comment about the team setting a bad example for young girls, since they were good examples of successful, strong females beforehand, and by crying and going on Oprah, they were behaving contrary to the image...or something like that. They suggested different ways to deal with Imus[I think it was tantamount to "ignore him", or show him that you're still gonna succeed despite his words].
I really don't care much about the content-- I feel as if I see the dichotomy come up to often about behavioral maxims. When something wrong is being done to you, do you A. protest it/"whine" and do whatever you can to stop it or B. deal with it/ignore it, and deprive the wrongdoer of the attention [s]he's probably looking for? It comes up all the time with racist incidents, if not all incidents of bias.
Honestly, I think it's more of a contextual thing. Sometimes protesting is useless, and sometimes ignoring stuff is really not useful at all. In this case, I'd say the protesting was useful-- Imus' sponsors got pulled, and CBS and MNBC stopped running his show. So bye, bye Imus.
I also generally find problems in 95% of the situations wherein we blame the victims, which is partially why I find problems with people getting angry at the people gloating at Al Sharpton's expense. He apparently sided with the rape victims in the Lacrosse rape trial[s?], and now that they've been cleared of the charges, I've been seeing some vitriol on some blogs about him. Honestly, at the time that he declared his support, no one really knew much of what happened anyway. I just...find it a little weird to gloat about his being wrong in this case, I guess. I wanted to make a point that we tend to re-victimize victims[even in this case, wasn't it that the girl was still raped, just not by the lacrosse team? I need to check it out again], but I forgot exactly how I wanted to make that case.
Oh, and Wolfowitz apparently gets busted for his own corruption? Weird, and kind of unexpected, I guess. I wonder if Bush released a statement.
Alright, now that I've done some news. Let's talk about me.
A few days ago I split a pole, and I think I'm paying for it, eightfold. I kid you not.
First, it turns out the Comparative Religion midterm I did got a B+, not an A like I expected. There's another Steven in my class, and apparently I got his comment sheet and he got mine. I wrote down the wrong date for my Armenian history presentation, which was apparently last Tuesday instead of next Tuesday. So, I missed my presentation. My econ T.A. lost both of my problem sets, so I apparently have to resubmit them and lose 20 points each. Also, I did fairly poorly on my exam from Tuesday, but I was not the only one. Also, my Japanese grades are kind of going...splat. Also...did I think I was just gonna magically find a job for the Summer? What the hell am I doing?
It's just like, damn. I've been thinking that I could just...coast around, doing the bare minimum, and get a bunch of As, but. I am f*cking up. Actually, I don't know what I thought, to be straight with you-- I've been reading comic books nonstop for the past few days because I think I like a boy[to be discussed] and I needed a distraction. Oh man, oh man.
I kind of had a good dosage of self-hatred[the perfect getter-upper, or at least in high school] after I talked to this chick who's apparently from near my high school. We were talking about my high school, and how I had 3 hour commutes each way. She and her friends made it seem so magical. And I guess I remember now-- falling asleep in my classes, being frustrated on the bus, coming out junior year, my envy of more or less any of the other four hundred students at school, my problems with the work, my disillusionment with education and upper middle class kids. My pride, my anger, my envy.
I don't know why I've stopped believing in myself, but I have, and I kind of forgot everything about my heroes. And it's like I'm spoiled-- I used to survive on two to three hours a day, and suddenly I'm tired on ten hours of sleep. I always have to remind myself not to get sucked into the pace at this school.
It's actually kind of gross, how I've lost almost all of my self-control. So I'm taking it back. Gotta shake it off. After practice, I may just have a work-a-thon.
Really, what this is about is my mother-- if there's anyone who's suffered more for the sake of me than me, it's her. And I may play the tortured role in my mind sometimes, and I may think that she does some silly/insensible things sometimes, but she does not deserve a son who can't even get his fucking act together.
Wow, I'm getting progressively angrier at myself. I'm such a momma's boy.
What's REALLY been driving me crazy, though, is the fact that I like Shawn and I want to date him. He might read this, and I guess my other friends do too, if they've bothered to read this far, but if I remember properly, part of this blog was supposed to be about being no holds barred.
IT HAS BEEN BOTHERING ME FOR AT LEAST A WEEK and it is frustrating as all hell. I stand by my assertions to Irene & co that emotions are easy; it's meta-emotions are hard. Do I want to like him? can I be sure that that's what I actually worth it? I feel as if the problem isn't to like him or not to.
Anyway, I could explain the many, many things I like about Shawn, talk about the fact that I really do think he has a kindness that's fairly uncommon. But I also feel as if I'm not worth it, that I'm still "in transit" in a lot of ways that would prevent me from having a meaningful relationship. There's also the fact that he graduates in...a month? I almost feel like just saying, "what's the point?"
I'm actually surprised I wrote about my Shawn-dilemma. I guess what finally settled things was the fact that in DeWick, as I was eating my Matzo and drinking my soda, I realized that he could probably hurt me if he wanted to. And I don't even know what that'd be like-- this is kind of the first kind of experience I'm having where I'm starting to like someone exclusively for their personality as opposed to sex, or being driven exclusively by what the sex will be like.[Which is why I don't like a lot of people, I guess-- few people really get me aroused to that extent] So it's just weird. I kind of wanted to hook him up with someone else, just because I think he can do better.[once I give him a haircut, anyway, =P]
But that's far too much high school dramatics. I think I'm just going to have to talk to him, ask him what his feelings are[I guess I've been working under the assumption that he does like me, so I wonder what'll happen if he doesn't], and figure out things from there.
And if we do wind up dating, I'm going to have to put it on Facebook.[Sorry, Gracie, =P]
Alright, I'm tired of talking, I'm all determined and stuff now. Plus, I've got practice in twenty minutes.
“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.”
Preach, Eleanor, preach.
Speaking of words: Word of the day.
brio \BREE-oh\, noun:
Enthusiastic vigor; vivacity; liveliness; spirit.
I don't feel like talking about stuff I've read today, but I'll do it just to keep the habit. I was on Powerline today, semi-surprisingly. Powerline is a fairly medium-conservative blog that I initially used to go to as a foil to DailyKos[Both are kinda myopic in the news coverage] back when I was trying to become a blogwhore in high school. Anyway, so I checked in, and [unsurprisingly] the author didn't have a comment about the Imus-Rutgers debacle, but he did post two comments that he felt were noteworthy. I'm doing this from memory, but I think they were to the point of the girls' team being whiners/thin-skinned, and that if they were going to cry foul every time someone broke the rules, then they're going to have a hard reckoning with the real world. I think there was also a comment about the team setting a bad example for young girls, since they were good examples of successful, strong females beforehand, and by crying and going on Oprah, they were behaving contrary to the image...or something like that. They suggested different ways to deal with Imus[I think it was tantamount to "ignore him", or show him that you're still gonna succeed despite his words].
I really don't care much about the content-- I feel as if I see the dichotomy come up to often about behavioral maxims. When something wrong is being done to you, do you A. protest it/"whine" and do whatever you can to stop it or B. deal with it/ignore it, and deprive the wrongdoer of the attention [s]he's probably looking for? It comes up all the time with racist incidents, if not all incidents of bias.
Honestly, I think it's more of a contextual thing. Sometimes protesting is useless, and sometimes ignoring stuff is really not useful at all. In this case, I'd say the protesting was useful-- Imus' sponsors got pulled, and CBS and MNBC stopped running his show. So bye, bye Imus.
I also generally find problems in 95% of the situations wherein we blame the victims, which is partially why I find problems with people getting angry at the people gloating at Al Sharpton's expense. He apparently sided with the rape victims in the Lacrosse rape trial[s?], and now that they've been cleared of the charges, I've been seeing some vitriol on some blogs about him. Honestly, at the time that he declared his support, no one really knew much of what happened anyway. I just...find it a little weird to gloat about his being wrong in this case, I guess. I wanted to make a point that we tend to re-victimize victims[even in this case, wasn't it that the girl was still raped, just not by the lacrosse team? I need to check it out again], but I forgot exactly how I wanted to make that case.
Oh, and Wolfowitz apparently gets busted for his own corruption? Weird, and kind of unexpected, I guess. I wonder if Bush released a statement.
Alright, now that I've done some news. Let's talk about me.
A few days ago I split a pole, and I think I'm paying for it, eightfold. I kid you not.
First, it turns out the Comparative Religion midterm I did got a B+, not an A like I expected. There's another Steven in my class, and apparently I got his comment sheet and he got mine. I wrote down the wrong date for my Armenian history presentation, which was apparently last Tuesday instead of next Tuesday. So, I missed my presentation. My econ T.A. lost both of my problem sets, so I apparently have to resubmit them and lose 20 points each. Also, I did fairly poorly on my exam from Tuesday, but I was not the only one. Also, my Japanese grades are kind of going...splat. Also...did I think I was just gonna magically find a job for the Summer? What the hell am I doing?
It's just like, damn. I've been thinking that I could just...coast around, doing the bare minimum, and get a bunch of As, but. I am f*cking up. Actually, I don't know what I thought, to be straight with you-- I've been reading comic books nonstop for the past few days because I think I like a boy[to be discussed] and I needed a distraction. Oh man, oh man.
I kind of had a good dosage of self-hatred[the perfect getter-upper, or at least in high school] after I talked to this chick who's apparently from near my high school. We were talking about my high school, and how I had 3 hour commutes each way. She and her friends made it seem so magical. And I guess I remember now-- falling asleep in my classes, being frustrated on the bus, coming out junior year, my envy of more or less any of the other four hundred students at school, my problems with the work, my disillusionment with education and upper middle class kids. My pride, my anger, my envy.
I don't know why I've stopped believing in myself, but I have, and I kind of forgot everything about my heroes. And it's like I'm spoiled-- I used to survive on two to three hours a day, and suddenly I'm tired on ten hours of sleep. I always have to remind myself not to get sucked into the pace at this school.
It's actually kind of gross, how I've lost almost all of my self-control. So I'm taking it back. Gotta shake it off. After practice, I may just have a work-a-thon.
Really, what this is about is my mother-- if there's anyone who's suffered more for the sake of me than me, it's her. And I may play the tortured role in my mind sometimes, and I may think that she does some silly/insensible things sometimes, but she does not deserve a son who can't even get his fucking act together.
Wow, I'm getting progressively angrier at myself. I'm such a momma's boy.
What's REALLY been driving me crazy, though, is the fact that I like Shawn and I want to date him. He might read this, and I guess my other friends do too, if they've bothered to read this far, but if I remember properly, part of this blog was supposed to be about being no holds barred.
IT HAS BEEN BOTHERING ME FOR AT LEAST A WEEK and it is frustrating as all hell. I stand by my assertions to Irene & co that emotions are easy; it's meta-emotions are hard. Do I want to like him? can I be sure that that's what I actually worth it? I feel as if the problem isn't to like him or not to.
Anyway, I could explain the many, many things I like about Shawn, talk about the fact that I really do think he has a kindness that's fairly uncommon. But I also feel as if I'm not worth it, that I'm still "in transit" in a lot of ways that would prevent me from having a meaningful relationship. There's also the fact that he graduates in...a month? I almost feel like just saying, "what's the point?"
I'm actually surprised I wrote about my Shawn-dilemma. I guess what finally settled things was the fact that in DeWick, as I was eating my Matzo and drinking my soda, I realized that he could probably hurt me if he wanted to. And I don't even know what that'd be like-- this is kind of the first kind of experience I'm having where I'm starting to like someone exclusively for their personality as opposed to sex, or being driven exclusively by what the sex will be like.[Which is why I don't like a lot of people, I guess-- few people really get me aroused to that extent] So it's just weird. I kind of wanted to hook him up with someone else, just because I think he can do better.[once I give him a haircut, anyway, =P]
But that's far too much high school dramatics. I think I'm just going to have to talk to him, ask him what his feelings are[I guess I've been working under the assumption that he does like me, so I wonder what'll happen if he doesn't], and figure out things from there.
And if we do wind up dating, I'm going to have to put it on Facebook.[Sorry, Gracie, =P]
Alright, I'm tired of talking, I'm all determined and stuff now. Plus, I've got practice in twenty minutes.
“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.”
Preach, Eleanor, preach.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Gertrude Stein never knew an autobiography like mine.
New word:
abecedarian \ay-bee-see-DAIR-ee-uhn\, noun:
1. One who is learning the alphabet; hence, a beginner.
2. One engaged in teaching the alphabet.
If there were ever a useless word.
Hi, Kids.
Sorry, finals are coming with the quickness and I still don't know what I'm going to do for a job. It's quite problematic. I almost wonder if I can still do SEEDS, possibly Phase III this time[I've done NJ SEEDS, this nonprofit that helps urban minorities get into private high schools, for about five years. I'm also an alumni of the program myself. Anyway, I've been working with phase I for this time, but Phase III is the mock-boarding school experience and has a higher salary]
What else.
Oh, news.
A few things caught my eye that I remember right now.
This made me very happy.
Also, apparently congress is about to do another debate on stem cell funding, which I'm pretty sure is gonna go no where, unfortunately. The atmosphere in this country may be a little different, but not so much to force this administration to change its policies on stem cell research.
Also, this was a serious victory for biological privacy rights.
"I had hoped that common sense and the legal framework would hold up. I'm grateful that it has done so... Being a mother is still an option to her that does not involve me."--Mr. Howard Johnston
The idea that she could even use the embryos is ridiculous. It's unfortunate that she's lost the ability to have a child with her own genes, but when you give up sperm or eggs to create an embryo for IVT, it's under the implication of consent from both parties. In an ethical sense, I think it's kind of ridiculous that it would have been possible to have his child without his consent. Legally, I have my doubts that there's a consent clause that states the usage of the embryo is on condition of both parties still being in a relationship[but I would think consent would go in there, and apparently he didn't want her to have his child]. Messed up world.
And finally, something else that's been on my mind[since, I don't really pay attention to school very often] has been the DNC not endorsing FOX, the influence of democratic blogopia on the web, and the big three[Obama, Clinton, and Edwards] saying they wouldn't appear on the CDC-FOX debate.
Honestly, I find the CBC questionable-- I don't trust black leadership in America period, perhaps even leadership in general. NAACP, the Congressional Black Caucus, National Black Justice Coalition, Amnesty International, Human Rights International. I don't think I'm looking for perfection, but it seems as if time and time again there's some bad economics going on, or my interests are not being represented.
Anyway, I've been reading some commentary and talking to some people, I guess, and a common response seems to be questioning why, I guess. Is Fox really so biased that the debate would wind up hurting Democratic candidates? It's a legitimate television network.
Honestly, I don't care so much about how the debate will be handled-- people keep saying that Obama's got no substance, blah blah. But I don't know how to respond to that; he's got his responses to issues on his website. He's been speaking for almost a year now; he's not just blowing hot air, the transcripts of his speeches come with his responses to issues. So...I guess I just don't really get the complaint. Are Clinton and Edwards really that much better, or are we holding Obama to different standards?
Regardless, what I do like is that this is not going on Fox is really a flex of democratic muscle for once. If there's one thing I hate about liberals, it's that they're wimps. It's kind of pathetic-- honestly, for the media to be so 'liberal' and all this mess, and for so many liberal academics to be ruling our educational system and whatnot, they're doing a crappy job making use of that influence. I love Republican attacks, they're sharp. Man. No holds barred. Manipulation, whatever it takes. And I'm not saying I'm looking to be manipulated, but I feel as if liberals have so many constructive/structural assumptions to set before making a complete argument that they're almost fundamentally incapable of being really zingy most of the time. And, zingy is good.
Also, if I meet another self-righteous liberal, I am going to scream.
Anyway, I think the problem with Fox News has been a consistent misrepresentation and manipulation of the news[and I don't think other television news companies are innocent either, but I think there has been an effective and intent agenda in mind with Fox News for...however long I've known about Fox News]. And, if you feel as if they're against you, stop paying them attention. Stop whining.
So, I like that they're not going on there. I think I'd like it even more if they went on Fox News, trounced any possible misrepresentations/whatever, but save maybe Clinton, I don't think I trust any of them to be able to defend themselves. And even Clinton would be working really uphill.
Oh, and save Giuliani, I think I hate the Republican candidates.
Oh well.
What about y'all? Any comments/other news worth talking about?
Chao.
abecedarian \ay-bee-see-DAIR-ee-uhn\, noun:
1. One who is learning the alphabet; hence, a beginner.
2. One engaged in teaching the alphabet.
If there were ever a useless word.
Hi, Kids.
Sorry, finals are coming with the quickness and I still don't know what I'm going to do for a job. It's quite problematic. I almost wonder if I can still do SEEDS, possibly Phase III this time[I've done NJ SEEDS, this nonprofit that helps urban minorities get into private high schools, for about five years. I'm also an alumni of the program myself. Anyway, I've been working with phase I for this time, but Phase III is the mock-boarding school experience and has a higher salary]
What else.
Oh, news.
A few things caught my eye that I remember right now.
This made me very happy.
Also, apparently congress is about to do another debate on stem cell funding, which I'm pretty sure is gonna go no where, unfortunately. The atmosphere in this country may be a little different, but not so much to force this administration to change its policies on stem cell research.
Also, this was a serious victory for biological privacy rights.
"I had hoped that common sense and the legal framework would hold up. I'm grateful that it has done so... Being a mother is still an option to her that does not involve me."--Mr. Howard Johnston
The idea that she could even use the embryos is ridiculous. It's unfortunate that she's lost the ability to have a child with her own genes, but when you give up sperm or eggs to create an embryo for IVT, it's under the implication of consent from both parties. In an ethical sense, I think it's kind of ridiculous that it would have been possible to have his child without his consent. Legally, I have my doubts that there's a consent clause that states the usage of the embryo is on condition of both parties still being in a relationship[but I would think consent would go in there, and apparently he didn't want her to have his child]. Messed up world.
And finally, something else that's been on my mind[since, I don't really pay attention to school very often] has been the DNC not endorsing FOX, the influence of democratic blogopia on the web, and the big three[Obama, Clinton, and Edwards] saying they wouldn't appear on the CDC-FOX debate.
Honestly, I find the CBC questionable-- I don't trust black leadership in America period, perhaps even leadership in general. NAACP, the Congressional Black Caucus, National Black Justice Coalition, Amnesty International, Human Rights International. I don't think I'm looking for perfection, but it seems as if time and time again there's some bad economics going on, or my interests are not being represented.
Anyway, I've been reading some commentary and talking to some people, I guess, and a common response seems to be questioning why, I guess. Is Fox really so biased that the debate would wind up hurting Democratic candidates? It's a legitimate television network.
Honestly, I don't care so much about how the debate will be handled-- people keep saying that Obama's got no substance, blah blah. But I don't know how to respond to that; he's got his responses to issues on his website. He's been speaking for almost a year now; he's not just blowing hot air, the transcripts of his speeches come with his responses to issues. So...I guess I just don't really get the complaint. Are Clinton and Edwards really that much better, or are we holding Obama to different standards?
Regardless, what I do like is that this is not going on Fox is really a flex of democratic muscle for once. If there's one thing I hate about liberals, it's that they're wimps. It's kind of pathetic-- honestly, for the media to be so 'liberal' and all this mess, and for so many liberal academics to be ruling our educational system and whatnot, they're doing a crappy job making use of that influence. I love Republican attacks, they're sharp. Man. No holds barred. Manipulation, whatever it takes. And I'm not saying I'm looking to be manipulated, but I feel as if liberals have so many constructive/structural assumptions to set before making a complete argument that they're almost fundamentally incapable of being really zingy most of the time. And, zingy is good.
Also, if I meet another self-righteous liberal, I am going to scream.
Anyway, I think the problem with Fox News has been a consistent misrepresentation and manipulation of the news[and I don't think other television news companies are innocent either, but I think there has been an effective and intent agenda in mind with Fox News for...however long I've known about Fox News]. And, if you feel as if they're against you, stop paying them attention. Stop whining.
So, I like that they're not going on there. I think I'd like it even more if they went on Fox News, trounced any possible misrepresentations/whatever, but save maybe Clinton, I don't think I trust any of them to be able to defend themselves. And even Clinton would be working really uphill.
Oh, and save Giuliani, I think I hate the Republican candidates.
Oh well.
What about y'all? Any comments/other news worth talking about?
Chao.
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