She gon' take everything I own...

Y'know, I'm tired of losing friends.

That's the hardest thing about the coming out process, bar none. Luckily, for me they've been peripheral friends-- kids I'd hang with and whatnot, who were fun but not necessarily people I'd trust. I don't know what I'd do if my mom had disowned me, for example.

We actually had a talk about this over Winter Break, my mother and I, about what I would have done. In the back of my mind I had a few friends whom I'd already come out to who I expected to put me up for a while until I found something more permanent. Then, there was the fact that I was going to college the year after, so I was hoping that would work. If my mom didn't have my back, everybody else in my family would have gotten word of it and it probably would have been a mass disowning. As it is now, I haven't come out to my aunts or any of the older relatives.

Everything turning out great was entirely situational, which I think it took me a while to get used to. If I'd been born to, say, any of my other aunts, for example, I'd have been kicked out, definitely. Or something would have happened, like sending me down South to 'fix' me. For a while, though, I think I had this privileged attitude like "well, if you're not out, you're not worth my time"-- but that's so myopic and immature, I think I've realized. For example, if I knew my mother'd disown me, especially since she's all I have, I never would have even come out at all. Definitely not in school, either, especially since word would get back home at some point. And so I'd definitely be in my 20's or 30's before I eventually took the big step, once I was out of school and had my own stability.

Anyway, for a while, I think I just frowned upon the whole DL thing-- and I think I still do, to some extent. I can't help it-- lying's unfortunate, especially about your sexuality. When it's necessary, it's necessary; but when you're 38 and still 'in the closet', I have trouble accepting that. I mean, I can understand wanting to maintain connections to people who'd throw you out of their lives, if they'd known, but I don't know. I guess I'm simple, but if I'm so replaceable that you could stop talking to me over whom I sleep with and whom I don't, then I wouldn't be able to help coming to the conclusion that I never really meant much to you at all. Y'know? But it could just be me.

I think there's a snobbery that comes with coming out, at least for me, like we're doing the right thing and the liars and deceivers aren't. And, while that may be what I think, I should also try to be humble and remember that we're all just human. So the self-righteousness is probably unnecessary.

This was because of someone else recently finding out I'm gay, which really isn't much of a secret anyway. [S]he and I aren't friends anymore, I guess.

Which reminds me, something that I still haven't gotten over, and still should probably confront my cousins over, is them reading my Myspace, seeing the 'gay' for sexual orientation, and sending it through the entire family chain. That s*it was ridiculous, especially since they act as if it never happened, and we still act normally. I mean, now there's just this tension whenever dating comes up, and I really don't know why they thought that'd even be interesting to do. Especially since they weren't being malicious.

I try not to care about too much, I guess, just keep things simple. Be moral. Live my life, love as much as I can, be as honest as I can.

Definitely hard, though.