Her eyes told me she was an intuitionist, and I couldn't tell her that was so 19th century.

So, Shakira has a song, "Las de La Intuicion"[English: Pure Intuition], and it's great. I've listened to it like eighty times in the past two-three days.

I'm kind of pressed for time, I'll be getting lunch in like 10 minutes or so. But I had some things on my mind that I wanted to get down into an entry.

1. I am extremely tired of English.

Who am I kidding: i love English. It's the best language ever, after Japanese. [And probably Arabic] But I feel as if I fall back on it so much-- when I'm learning Chinese-- I use English translations to understand grammatical concepts. Ditto for when I'm learning Japanese and Spanish. So, I was wondering: is there a way that I can get rid of English?

I feel like, even in China, I use it so often: I use it to communicate with my American classmates here, when I browse online, I read English articles, my blog is in English, lately I've been listening to more music in English.

Now, I'd guess it's impossible to get rid of all of the English in my life. But, for the little bit that I can change, I'm going to work on.

My blog will stay in English, haha. But I think I may actually take a serious language pledge this time-- no conversations with my classmates in English unless it's necessary.[And, there are times, ie. during our mandatory culture classes, conducted in English] No more music in English.[Not so hard.] And as little English internet use as possible.

This also has to do with my feelings about Spanish-- like, I could be so close to being fluent, but for my laziness alone, I'm not. Compared to Chinese, Spanish is like a breeze, like learning a different dialect of English, haha. I'm reading El Alquimista/The Alchemist right now, and while I've forgotten a lot of stuff, it's getting very easy to recall words I've forgotten. And, in general, the gist of what's being said comes very easily. So, I think I just need to add a bit more work, and I could definitely get good with Spanish. Japanese is in a similar position, but I use it more often, so I'm a better Japanese speaker...probably. Which is funny.

That's one thing that bothers me, my Spanish speaking ability. My reading and hearing are both far above my speaking. So, another target.

What else. Oh, there's a whole bunch of Pablo stuff, that thankfully reached some sort of resolution, but that's probably another update. I also did take the pictures I said I would, but again, next update.

Later.

"I was not sorry when my brother died."

And that, my friends, is the first line of a really great book called Nervous Conditions.

It's pretty amusing that I'm STILL READING The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle, even though I finished Oracle Bones, which is probably around the same length, in about three to four days. I started Nervous Conditions, which is around half the size, on Saturday, finished it the next day. I've been ready The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle for at least two months.

It's an amazing book, so it's not because Oracle Bones is a better/easier read. TWUBC shits all over Oracle Bones. As much as I hate to admit it, it must be because despite the fact that I can find eBooks for...well, free, they are still not easy for me to read, compared to their physical copies. Bummer. [To be fair, I also rarely have time to give TWUBC the dedication I gave to the other two. My laptop rarely leaves my room, so I only read TWUBC when I'm here, which isn't too often. I can take regular books anywhere, and usually do-- dinner, class, wherever.]

But as I was saying, Nervous Conditions is an amazing book. I would like to say it reminds me of Jamaica Kincaid's "The Autobiography of my Mother" but the comparison might not actually be very fitting aferall. The only similarity that I can think of is that they're both black female protagonists with semi-similar personalities...maybe. But the settings of each novel and the voices used by each author are completely different. If I remember correctly, The Autobiography of my Mother takes place in the Caribbean, whereas Nervous Conditions happens in Rhodesia, or colonial Zimbabwe, in the 1960s. Further, while I got the distinct impression that Kincaid was a poet first and a novelist second, Tsitsi Dangarembga, the author of Nervous Conditions, doesn't give me that impression. In fact, she kind of reminds me of a Black female Nathaniel Hawthorne, if only in that her sentences are pretty long.[In my book, an automatic plus-- Hawthorne-iness is as close to godliness as most can get ] But both protagonists are kind of fierce, or at least Tambu, Nervous Conditions' protagonist, is. If the first sentence didn't demonstrate that she's a sort of tough cookie.

The book is pretty heavily feminist, I'd say-- perhaps only second in focus to race in the novel. The author also says so in an interview in my edition of the book, I think. There are a lot of bad men in this novel, from Tambu's father on up-- bad women too. But Tambu is a very strong character, and though I think I remember being bothered by her at times, I really was rooting for her the whole way through. She has to go through a lot of mess.

This is seriously one of the best books I've read in a while. I feel like I read a lot of crazy books most of the time, or at least books that aren't very connected to my life or anything that I can relate to-- stuff from Victorian England, Japanese Post-Modernism, what have you. But, as a young black person I guess, I really related to this book. And even if you're not young or black[if you're not a person...we'll probably have issues], there's still a lot to gain and a lot of struggle to relate to. And it's extremely well-written. Probably one of my favorite books of all time.

I'll try to write an actual review at some point-- it deserves one. Unfortunately, this isn't my book-- I borrowed it from a friend,. So I should probably write it soon, before I forget most of the details[too late?] or before someone else wants to borrow it.

Speaking of Victorian England, I've really got an urging to reread some Proust. That's another writer I like-- he's French. He's amazing. If you like old, stuffy writing, then you will probably love Proust, if you don't already. He wrote Swann's Way/A Rememberance of Things Past/Whatever's the Current translation for his trilogy.

So, that's what I've got to say about books.

Otherwise, things were fine-- my week always sucks on Monday[class from 8-7:30...that's right], sucks less on Tuesday[Class from 1-7:30], and starts getting great from Wednesday onwards. And it's Wednesday night so...holla. Went to class, hung with the classmates/friends, typical stuff.

Also, this typhoon business is done now. And somehow, when I woke up this morning, all of the water was completely gone-- I have no idea where it went, but I can only say that Chinese sewage systems must put American sewage systems to shame. Back in Jersey City, were we to get as much rain as we just did over here, we'd have water in the streets for years. I like to think there are some elves trapped away at this school and they all whisked the water away in their fancy boots.

Otherwise I, predictably, decided I wanted to censure my previous entries about Pablo. I'm not sure if I'll go in and edit. Maybe, probably not-- they were my honest thoughts for the most part, afterall. But the reasoning for this censuring is that I think I've regained some of my confidence and sanity. I don't know what it is about boys that makes me turn into a neurotic ass-- I was reminding myself of all of my female friends, combined into some homotional monster, haha. "Why is he texting me? What does he want from me? Should I say that-- what if I come off too obsessive? Why didn't he text me back-- it's been three hours." My goodness. It's such an odd position to be in.

So, to fix the situation, I decided to watch Noah's Arc and Queer as Folk. QAF really did the trick-- as much as Brian grosses me out, he is such a pimp. Such a true pimp.

Anyway my head is back on straight, I think-- one boy is rarely worth that much stress. In fact, I'm pretty sure I just haven't been using my time well enough, which is why I always seem to have the time to think about him. So, I decided I need more stuff to do.

I kinda forgot about my goal to step my reading into overdrive, so that will be back on. Also, one of my friends was thinking of running a marathon, and I think that's a great idea. So I think I decided I was gonna start training, Steven-style.[Which really means running on the track with incremental increases.] Plus, I really need to focus more on Chinese-- I speak with people and do my homework, but I don't think I'm doing the most I can to improve. So there's that.

I also decided I should probably get other prospects/hoes so that I'm not thinking about Pablo so often. I will keep you updated.

That's about it, for now. I'm pretty tied as well and I want to go to the gym in the morning tomorrow, so I will be heading off to bed now.

Deuces.

I guess that's just the way the cookie crumbles.

I'd like to say I've been on a Lily Allen kick, but it's really that I've been watching too much Noah's Arc[again] and one of her songs was in it.

Hi y'all. I'm a mess.

There's a lot that's happened and I feel pretty bad for not even trying to keep regular updates. I'm gonna try to get everything together starting now.

I'd normally try to recap EVERY MAJOR THING that has happened since my arrival into the big Chi-Na, but I think I've decided that it'd be easier for me to do things little by little as my memory returns.

So, some major points.

1. I am twenty.

Today, October 7th, marks the day that my mother popped my fatass head out of her birth canal and brought me, Steven, into this world. It's pretty exciting. Most people who know me well have probably heard me say some pretty fearful statements about reaching thirty, but I think I'm actually getting over it. Don't fear death; embrace it.[Not that thirty is death or anything...it just feels like it.]

My mom should be calling me tonight. Now I can finally open the gift my grandmother gave me in AUGUST.[Haha, I'm proud of myself for not opening it until now.]

So, what did I do for my birthday? I went to the local gay club[which is fairly whack, btw], of course. And I met some Argentinian boy named Pablo, 24, who happens to be studying at my university as well and...blah blah blah.

To be frank, I'm not entirely sure how I feel about the whole matter. I decided recently that as noble as I think celibacy is, I'm also a 19 20 year old man. I want to be reckless. Maybe I'll reconsider celibacy later on, but as for now, forget it.

But even so, I just don't know where this is supposed to go. I'm gonna try to just stay with the moment, I guess.

Anyway. The greatest part of the night was making out with Pablo on the dance floor. I felt like it was Queer as Folk or some shit: dancing and getting all close on the floor, having everyone look at us.[Minus a subsequent gay-bashing/bat to the head in the parking lot, of course] I really could have had the night end right there; it made my night. He's very beautiful; I'll try to snag a picture if we meet up again. The whole situation was fairly bizarre: he was the first person who talked to me when I walked in. I thought it was just the instant-foreigner connection, if only because he's' prettier than me. And so I thought we'd just chill, drink beers together. And suddenly we're getting all close. Oh well.

It's just funny, 'cause earlier this week I was complaining about how I missed black/hispanic guys.

We also met some lesbians, they were cool. I love lesbians. They were a little old and dry, though.

2. Now that boy mess is out of the way...

I am an environmental threat.

That's right. A few days ago, Friday I believe, I ate a cicada. That's right. I have gone crazy.

I'll try to put pictures in the photoblog that will be started shortly.

It actually wasn't that bad; it was like beef jerky. With legs. Who am I kidding: that mess was gross to the max. I was peer pressured into it by my classmates.

Next, I killed a chicken. Took a fairly dull knife, and sawed its head right off.

The context is that we were enjoying the national holiday, which has been going on since October 1st to today, October 7th. We were near Lishui, a city further south in Zhejiang Province, and visitng the Shir people's village. The Shir people are a minority in China.

So, while we were in the village, we had to participate in a marriage; my classmates and I elected who would be what. And I was elected to be the bride's brother. Or uncle. I'm not sure myself, actually. Whoever I was , I had to kill the chicken.

And the rest is history. It's a pretty odd feeling, though, bearing the moral culpability in my own hands. It's certainly easier just to go to McDonald's and order some Chicken McNuggets. People kept calling me a killer/murderer.[Aren't we all?]

3. I'm tired.

I'm pretty proud of myself for doing this much. Of course, I can still write about random Chinese kids people thinking it's okay to touch my hair and rub my skin ...or Korean people asking me if I play basketball. Or people telling me I resemble Kobe Bryant[haha, child please, let's forget the two foot difference]/assuming I'm African/whatever. But I can do those later.

What was the final push to get me updating was Steven Emmanuel/Queer Kid of Color, I think; I was reading Clik, specifically his interview of Jonathan Perry, and I was reminded of how much I love people. black people. black gay people. and everyone else. haha. And so, I just had to get my head out of my ass and get my shit together.

Deuces.

She looked at me and told me my dramatics needed more work.

Hey.

Apologies are in order-- I haven't updated in too long. I'm going to keep this brief: I'm in China, have been here for about two weeks now, I think. Certainly an interesting experience.

It's 12 AM right now over here, exactly twelve hours ahead of the Eastern time zone back in the US.

I'm planning on starting a photoblog at some point soon and keep this at least somewhat updated-- there's stuff to say, y'know. I'm actually about to head to sleep but I was feeling guilty all of a sudden for not updating.

I will do more later, promise.

<3s

Placebo always told me being worse than Special K was a good thing.

One day, I'm really going to have to make an incredibly long entry explaining my self-worth being tied up with certain drug-addicts/alcoholics.

I think I just have happened to know some people with bad habits and I've admired them for various reasons[courage, creativity, what have you.] My Beatnik phase comes to mind.[Oh, Kerouac, you'll always have a place in my bleeding heart.]

It may be my worst habit-- admiring the destructive. Hopefully I'm leaving those and my teenage years behind.

Maybe I'll discuss this in more detail at another time, if I'm up for the rant.

Yo.

It's 5:44 A.M. in Jersey and I am feeling absolutely CRAZY, honest-and-courageous crazy. It's almost like my [over]confidence has come back from the dead.

I think my money situation has something to do with it. I've been unemployed for the first Summer of my life and my ego has been dragged through some mud.

It's not like I've ever known true wealth, but I HATE not having spending money-- not even having the money to buy a book or go to the movies. Matters are only made worse when people want to go places all the damn time-- I know, it's Summer, let's be young and get drunk.[Saddest joke ever: an alcoholic drink hasn't passed my lips in over a month, maybe even two. Probably two.]


So, bottom line, not having money MAKES ME SAD. Watch, one day I'm gonna plot a cubic function to explain my crazy temperments-- stay tuned. Money is a pretty important variable in the Steven Function.

So, I ran into some-- school refund, omgyay. I love it when being poor actually works to my advantage. It's not a lot, but I have enough to pay off all of my credit card bills[of which my mom actually has to pay some, since some of them weren't actually my charges], I'll have a sum to take with me to China.[!!!!!!, SO SOON!] Plus, we get a stipend, and I will be using my black ingenuity to get a job.[Lolz, despite the shade of my skin, I can actually turn off the ebonics and speak proper English, Mr. Wang. Please entrust your English grammar and such'a thangs to me.]

Oh, and I've still gotta turn in the rebate for my hard drive.

There's so much to say, so much to say, so little time-- my eyes are getting droopy, finally, so. I guess I'll do a parte deux tomorrow-- but I think I'm supposed to have plans. Hm.

Harry Potter. Braces, coming off August 1st. Started working out again.[Lollerskates.] AND I WANNA PLAY BASKETBALL.

The basketball bit deserves a whole post by itself. Considering I have not played basketball since like....high school gym class, and I hated every minute of when we had to play.[Wow, so obviously homo.]

I really regret not doing a sport. I wanted to do track this year...oops.[Plus, my diet is so undisciplined. Cheeseburgers + pizzas all day, e'ryday.]

Alright, I seriously am dozing at the keyboard.

Later, taters.

Boulders on my black body.

I just received an email about a discriminatory act towards homosexuals that happened in Newark, NJ. I actually wasn't very moved by this, but...

The eMail did have nice buttons about taking action and stuff, and I can at least recognize what's wrong[even if it doesn't actually get me fired up].

The Article:

UNACCEPTABLE! Newark school district removes same-sex photo from high school yearbook

As reported in today's Star-Ledger, Newark school officials, just before distributing yearbooks to students at East Side High School, took magic markers to cover up a yearbook photo of an 18-year-old graduating senior kissing his boyfriend. The school district says the photo was "illicit" -- but that's homophobic nonsense! First, the photo is of two guys kissing and nothing more. Secondly, the school district DID NOT TOUCH THE PHOTOS OF STRAIGHT STUDENTS KISSING THEIR OPPOSITE-SEX BOYFRIENDS AND GIRLFRIENDS.

This is outrageous! Write to Newark schools superintendent Marion Bolden asking her to redistribute the yearbooks without the photo covered up -- and demand that she publicly apologize to the student, his boyfriend and the LGBTI community. The school district's action shows incredible insensitivity and intolerance. We must reverse it.

----

Participate if you want-- all it requires is a few minutes. Worst thing that might happen is you being put on an eMail list.

[Wow, I think I felt my halo tingle.]

The television is on in his bedroom eyes.

Okay, I'm probably going to seem like the dorkiest, most pathetic person ever...but...

Could my life be turning into NOAH'S ARC?

Hahahahahaha.

I'm partially kidding.

Yesterday, Summer and I went to the LGBT center in NY to practice Spanish. It was really cool-- I've never been there before and I got to skip the $5 fee since I came an hour and a half late. And it was really small and cozy-- met some new people! Jennifer, the straight ally, Jun and Winston, the not so straight allies, and some other cat who went to Brandeis whose name I don't remember.

Anyway,Summer and I are apparently going to Winston's church this Sunday before Pride-- he just called today to give me some directions that I'll probably forget. Directions and I do not mix. Anyway, when I was on the phone with him, I thought: he fits Chance's role perfectly! Mature, stable, intelligent, partnered. This is like the episode where Chance takes everyone to church. Bam.

Summercan be Ricky, since she flirts with everyone.[Including Latinas on trains with their boyfriends inches away from us, haha, priceless. "Ella habla espanol tambien! Oh nooo"(after trying to talk about said Latina in Spanish in front of her)]

Jun isn't effeminate enough to play Alex...neither is Nakeefa, haha. But she is whacky enough. We'll see.

I just got really excited, haha. But I think I'm just too obsessed with that show.

Anyway, besides not having any sort of career prospects or anything, things are TOTALLY GR8. I'm kind of giving up on my unsupervised Chinese adventures anyway, so whatever.

<3s.

Fort Dix and Candlesticks.

I couldn't help feeling guilty about not having any new words lately. If there's anything that's important, it's a strong vocabulary.

So, I'm going to make up for everything with two new words.

descry - to see or catch sight of, often from a distance, as in: When I descry the island, I'll shout, "Land Ho!"

gainsay - challenge: take exception to; "She challenged his claims"

Ah, relief.

Otherwise, I don't actually have much to say-- I'm just trying to put out more entries more often. I went "driving" today with my grandparents, which really means I practiced parking. I was a lot better today with the parallel parking thing-- I'd like to say it's because I get it more, but I really don't think it is. Like, I'm not really noticing anything specific about how to park accurately. My grandparents have just given me instructions so often that I can hear my grandfather's voice in my head when I'm nearing a certain point, so I just start turning the wheel.

Not sure if that's gonna hurt me in the long run, haha. Definitely need to read through the driver's manual again.

Otherwise, today was a pretty good father's day. Went with my mom last night to get my grandfather some shirts, rode bikes with my aunt for a little while, took a trip down memory lane with my grandparents. "Man, y'all kids have it easy...back when we were young, we used to ride the mules and milk the cows and all that...and y'all don't know what real plums taste like, down in the South they just come so sweet..." and so on. It's pretty funny.

But I guess I was wondering-- my mom and my aunt were getting on me for not getting my mother anything for Father's day. Since my mother's done the parenting thing by herself, they were saying that she's both my mother and my father. I find that kinda bogus-- she's a super-mother, not my father. Anyway, I was just wondering what other people's takes might be-- not necessarily in regards to father's day, but your opinion on a mother's ability to serve as a father, or whatever.

I'm kinda tired, so I may hit the hay. I'll catch y'all on the flip side.

[And I still haven't seen Fantastic Four! I've even seen that Ocean's 13 mess. WHY must I see all of these sequels without having seen the originals? Urgh splat.]

Crouched on a couch and ready for more.

It's seriously as if some vague, malevolent being does NOT want me to study abroad. Not to be overdramatic, but I am thinking that even IF I get everything sorted out, right before I am boarding my plane to Chicago/Michigan/wherever the layover is from which I am going to China, I will be hit by a bus.

I'm thinking of looking for my old rabbit's foot.

It started with my passport. But I needed to order my birth certificate. Then I had to go to Trenton and apply in person for my birth certificate. Then I needed to get someone to give me an address. Then they MISSPELL my middle name on my passport, which I can't correct because deadlines are coming.

And now, apparently some blockhead from my building has stolen my Chinese Visa forms. What good someone thinks might come from having a slip of paper in Chinese addressed to me, I don't know. Oh, maybe it might be that my social security number is on it?

Like, I'm just in shock kind of. I found out yesterday-- this person working at the Study Abroad office was like, "send this in by the 18th, blah blah", and I'm like..."Me no have." "They required signatures right, to get them?""...Oops."

And so, DHL just left them in the hallway.

I'm really seeing problems with my passport-- the misspelling is probably going to be a big deal when I get over there. Actually, I'm pretty sure things are just gonna go wrong-- and it's annoying, because I actually do have intentions of, y'know, getting shit done, getting a job. But then I have these emails & phone calls to deal with, trying to track down letters and figuring out what I'm going to do about my visa.

I miss being lucky. I'm even tempted to read my horoscope, just to see if there's any hope in the near future, heh.

[I'm also reminded of eating Chinese with Summer and Nakeefa recently, and my fortune cookie saying, "Better luck next time" or something like that. Haha. Oh, man.]

Otherwise, being me is completely fabulous. =P Permanently a pimp.

She put her fist in a kaleidoscope to show me all the colors of her strength.

So, Gaza is in semi-anarchy?

Honestly, I don't even know where to start.


Also, am I the only one who is really tired of the slobbery blow job the media is giving Paris Hilton? Seriously.

I think it was even on CNN the other day; Paris Hilton released a statement urging people to pay less attention to her and more attention to our troops and other issues.[Or something to that effect.] And then, of course, we have to go into her motive-- oh, she says this, but she really DOES want for everyone to hover on her jock. She's so bad, she's so destroying the American idea of justice, blah blah blah.

Regardless of getting into all that, can't we just look at the message of the statement-- namely, that there's a lot more important stuff going on than Paris cheating the legal system? I guess that might not be very persuasive. For example, the millions of people dying from HIV might be more important than the thousands threatened by cervical cancer in the US, but that doesn't make cervical cancer any less of an issue. I guess it's a good thing that people are up in arms about the perks we give our celebrities, though. I'll just be avoiding the coverage.

The argument I want to make about ethical behavior is full of holes, though. I need to re-read some stuff about ethics.

No new word, I know.

No job applications, either.[Oops.]

I can smell a revolution on my upper lip: I'm gonna kiss and tell.

Don't mind the title. There was some cool idea in my head but my fingers have minds of their own.

New Word:

Encomium - a formal expression of praise

I can...work with that.

Okay, I've actually had things to write about for the past few days[like, my violent dreams, my drama with passports and visas, and my mother's birthday, for examples] but I've been too listless to actually commit myself to writing an entry.

This entry will probably be about talking more mess about goals, only to forget them later. I need to think of a new strategy for sticking to these things. Anyone got any ideas?[I was gonna do post-its...but I was discouraged when I couldn't find any around. I'll look again.]

It's already June and I've already forgotten every goal I made for New Year's.[Though, knowing me, working out was probably one of them.] It's ridiculous. So, maybe I should just be understanding of myself, of my bad memory and my bad resolve, and make goals every few weeks. That way, it's always fresh on my mind.

I don't know.

A few goals.

1. Job by the end of next week.[Supplement: Bet with Pierrette for $10.] Get this stick out of my ass and this pretension out of my mind hinging on comparison with my peers-- the time's gone for an impressive job. Now, I just need cash. I wonder how many jibes I'm going to need from my friends and family before I feel any sense of urgency. Like, it's ridiculous-- I talk a lot of garbage about needing a job, boo freaking hoo, but I don't feel anything. So nothing happens. I'm having trouble churning out determination.

It's also not exactly as if I haven't been trying-- I've sent my resume to about 20 places to date. But it probably also has something to do with the fact that I have been applying to jobs out of my reach. Maybe.

2. Workout every other day. I did some pushups yesterday, I think. Which means tomorrow is gonna my lifting day. More cardio, better eating, all that mess that I haven't followed through on.

3. RE-LEARN CODING. It's funny, because I spend so much time near or on a computer being indolent and doing absolutely nothing, when I could be spending that time learning stuff about programming. And it's not like the tools aren't there. So...I'm gonna work on that. At least practice for like an hour or two a day. Maybe I'll set an alarm for coding time.

4. Two+ chapters in my Chinese textbooks everyday, half a chapter+ in my Japanese book every day. To my credit, I actually have been doing a lot of Chinese and Japanese reading online, mainly Japanese. So, I don't feel too pressed about this one-- I've been more or less keeping up at a pace I wanted to.

5. Read some books. I won't press this either because I've been pretty good about reading. And when I get a job, hopefully I won't have the time.

6. Less ego. I really need to get truly embarrassed. I think I've been really overconfident lately and I need to get out of this...mood.

7. Write a half of a novel or script by the end of June. With Summer having had me read the script she's been working on, I was really impressed and disappointed in myself. My writing has really become nonexistent-- even poetry, I don't even do that anymore. Also, I was reading Trouble Boy, which I meant to review but...didn't. Anyway, the main character has a script he's writing, and that just reminded me all the more about how I've been neglecting my writing.

A few problems: the form of the writing? I definitely prefer reading long, verbose prose which seems to point in the direction of a novel. But, especially with a small acting background, I like scripts as well-- they're easier to handle and they seem a lot more straight forward. They also just seem downright easier to write. But I also have no eye for direction/filming/whatever, so that's another point in the direction of the novel idea. I know there are alternatives-- short stories, poems, whatever. What I think might wind up happening is a novel...with really short chapters. =P

There's also the problem of content-- I have a few ideas in my head, but one of them has always been based on a semi-autobiographical protagonist/narrator. And Summer already has a straight-laced, black gay male as her lead, so...it sort of feels like copying. On the other hand, I do feel as if I have a very specific story to tell, but I really didn't want to base anyone so closely on my life anyway.

There's also the problem of this being my first shot at anything substantial-- I feel as if I'm actually going to do this, I should try a trial run with something less important to me? I feel as if I'd be biased towards something so close to me and not be as critical as I would need to be.

We'll see. I'm kind of unsure about things, now.

8. Talk to people LESS online. Without spilling any beans or getting further into it, it's as if I cannot like people online and in real life. Maybe it's the disconnect between "netiquette"[which I just heard of today] and etiquette.


I'm really just thinking of limiting my contact with social networking sites as much as possible. It's bad.

9. I forgot.

Well, this post is probably long enough.

Deuces.

ETA: Oh, I remembered for lucky number nine. Write shorter entries, more often.

Que embarrassing.

How utterly embarrassing.

Either I'm losing my sense of humor or I am utterly bored by morons misrepresenting my age group/sexuality/religion/race/gender/neighborhood/whatever.

Edit: Thanks for telling me; guess the clip was taken down on youtube.[I swear, I am really getting over youtube.]

There was no actual video, though, it was a radio clip. You can hear it on zShare, too.

Catching the spirit that travels throughout time.

New word:

effete - decadent: marked by excessive self-indulgence and moral decay; "a decadent life of excessive money and no sense of responsibility"; "a group of effete self-professed intellectuals"

Now, that's a word I think I'll actually use.

So, let's see. I feel pretty great. I helped Summer move yesterday, which utterly destroyed my back. And my arms. But mainly my back.

And it really helped me work off a lot of the anger I was feeling. It could just be me, and it most likely is, but I can really get tied up in my own emotions and abstractions. And just get really dramatic. And I think it's really just the result of bourgeois privilege, to some extent-- yeah, emotional health, all that, but there are people dying and suffering everyday. And I'll also be alive for decades to come, barring some freak accident-- oh, please don't let me get hit by a bus. These little things like being pissed or disappointed really don't matter most of the time.

So, the point is, getting really physical and just...not overemphasizing my thoughts and analyzing everything really helps me get over my teenage dramatics. So, I'm thankful.

Oh, and my hard drive is broken, which is really upsetting. But I only had it as of two weeks ago, so it's really not that big of a deal, I guess. But I will be sending it in for an exchange first thing in the morning. And trying to get my passport. And canceling my AOL service before I get a bill. And looking for a job.

I guess it's good to finally have real things to do, as opposed to the utter stress and tedium from school. I've got three new books that I want to read too. So we'll see how everything goes.

A few things that actually caught my notice: I start my sentences with 'I' far too often to be a good writer. Looking through my entries and just other documents that I've written on the fly, it's obvious that I've still got this instinctive habit to put an I in. I, I, I. Freshman year, my professor-- whom I often had creative differences with-- got me to think of some of my favorite writers. Baldwin, Hemingway, Irwin, Steinbeck, whoever. Diverse sentence construction is a good thing-- there's no need to start with I all of the time. Who else is talking such that you need to clarify who the actor is so often? Especially in my blog entries, since I'm very often the only actor in any experience I'll relate.

Actually, I don't really know how I feel about it, still.

Also, on Myspace, some of my friends are absolutely obsessed with these glamor icons, especially the gay black/latino boys. And it still doesn't make sense. I certainly joke a lot about loving Paris/Nicole/whoever, but to some extent I realize it's all a big joke-- somewhere, anyway. And I...don't think most other people feel that way.

Originally I had more to say on this point but cartoons are stealing my attention.

Also, my subject title inspires a great fondness in me.

She said, "Don't hold grudges. They'll give you wrinkles."

Yo.

NEW WORD:

Bivouac: 1 : a usually temporary encampment under little or no shelter
2 a : encampment usually for a night b : a temporary or casual shelter or lodging

And now that that's out of the way--

I hate to do two negative entries right after another, but I guess it's not really avoidable.

So, as I practiced Chinese in the common room of some random dorm at like four in the morning, I was just getting angrier and angrier. What set me off was my not having anywhere to stay, and the subsequent reflections on that, I guess. I don't really care about the specifics anymore, I guess the bottom line is that I thought I only wanted minimal shit-- y'know, a corner to put a sleeping bag that I was gonna borrow, or someone to open the door so I wouldn't get locked out. Or just having access to the bathroom. And I think there was pride involved on my part, too-- I kind of expected an unequivocal okay to my request, so when I felt as if I had to ask twice, or what would have been three times as the case actually was, it was as if I was begging and I really don't like begging, much less my friends.

I guess after that, it was the fact that people that I'm much less closer to saw me and just said yes off the bat when they realized I didn't have anywhere to go that really got me going. I said no, of course-- by then, I was already in this kind of "fuck you" mode and resolved to stay on my couch. And then I started thinking about everything else that's illicited this kind of anger from me-- like, not being able to get back into Cage[the night before my drunken church escapades] and my friends not picking up the phone. Despite my being like, seven feet from one of their faces, kicking the door, yelling their names at the window, the works.

I guess my problem is that I feel as if I give a lot more than I get very often-- I comfort you when you're crying, but you can't pick up your phone or open the door? Dead ass though? And before that, there was Anita, and before Anita there was Brit, and before Brit maybe there was Iasha. Throw Matt in there somewhere. And I guess the ultimate reason is that I usually can't get along with stable, considerate people for whatever reason-- mainly because they're usually so boring. So I become friends with these people, who even if they do care, time and time again just act in ways indicative of a sort of disregard-- or maybe it's just that I feel as if I'd do a lot for people, so I get disappointed really fast when I don't get the same back.

And at first, I just wanted to argue about it, but while I'm still angry, I guess I should just try to live with the fruit of my actions. I was wondering if this was indicative of my own tendency to get mad over stupid shit, or if this is the type of anger I need to master to be a better person. But it's probably not that serious, haha.

I'm pretty sure I once gave someone advice who was in this same type of situation-- when you're in what you feel is an unhealthy relationship, you stop stressing yourself about it or you completely disengage. And I don't even know how I wound up like this. By "this", I mean stupidly overdramatic, concerned with hurting his or her feelings-- "Oh no, she reads this, I shouldn't write that in my blog. I shouldn't say this around her, I should do this." ...What? Haha. I don't know what happened to my fearlessness, but it certainly hasn't been with me for my college career. I need to get my balls back from whoever took them, and I think that's part of what my recent work outs have been about.[This might be for another entry, but I've been feeling increasingly violent-- as if I just want to have an actual fist fight for once. And I'm pretty sure my fitness level is not up to par-- and I also just haven't had a fight since...middle school? haha]

In other news, I completely messed up by not refrigerating my typhoid pills. Now, they're dead. Great. I swear, I need to stop acting like I'm balling or something-- these bills just keep coming from everywhere and I gotta remember that despite hanging with these kids with income...I'm poor, haha.

Wow, I feel a lot better. And Namie Amuro has a promotional video for her new single, "Funky Town" which takes me back to my Namie days in high school. <3. And I almost lost hope for Japanese pop. [And I think BoA* may have a PV for "Sweet Impact", too? Werk it, werk it.]

Haha, maybe I'll do a happier entry later today. Or something that isn't teenage melodrama. =P

Iron Jails and Puppy Dog Tails.

It's been a while.

It is very much like me that the only time I've felt like making an entry is when I'm feeling at my lowest, but oh well, =P.

So, no new word.

The word on the street is: I KNOW I like adversity and all, but really? Can I get a break?

-- I didn't get either of the SEEDS jobs I wanted.[It's funny-- for the Media whatever, my two good friends wound up getting it while I stupidly forgot to schedule my own damn interview; for the Leadership Position, I just flat out didn't get it.] And I don't know why I didn't get the Leadership thing. I've worked with SEEDS for five years[which I'm pretty sure is more than 95% of the applicants they were getting; the other sites in general don't really have our site's same intern-longevity], I've done community service, I've been working since I was of age. I've a demonstrated interest in education.

It could be because I missed her original phone call for the interview, but my phone was dead. Hmm.

--Getting my passport has been a bitch and a half. I have been going to various Post Offices/Passport places, calling the National Passport Information Center for over two weeks, and also eMailing them. All for an address. Study Abroad Office is getting down my neck about visa applications, and I can't finish my application because I have no passport. I have no passport because my application is incomplete. My application is incomplete because they don't have my birth certificate. And, technically, they did have my birth certificate, but my city invalidated it and made me get another one.[Which was another piece of crap to deal with. I hate VitalChek.] They don't have it now because they WOULD NOT give me an address to send my birth certificate too.

I swear. Thankfully, I finally got through yesterday[and it was so random, too-- I'm so used to dialing the NPIC that it's just habitual, and I was only on like...my fifth redial at 2 p.m. when, instead of getting hung up on, I actually heard-- gasp-- the classical music they play when you're on hold! I almost screamed.] and I overnight-ed everything today. So, hopefully things will work out. Hopefully.

--I am probably the worst Catholic I know. I went to some club in Hoboken, which was a big mistake, with Summer and Nakeefa and wound up walking back home after I couldn't get back in.[Ugh] Then, I had my cousin's confirmation to go to at 9 AM the next day. I was so drunk in that church, it's ridiculous-- I reeked of alcohol. Everyone in my family thinks I'm an alcoholic, my grandfather now has an actual reason to tease me with beer. I am so embarrassed.

Oh, and I wound up throwing up right outside of the church. I really thought I was gonna wind up doing it in the pews; somehow, I made it.

Oh, forgive me, Jesus.

I guess the worst part about this is that all of these are all my fault. 1. My fault for not being a good enough candidate for the job. 2. My fault for losing my rejection letter[Which had the address on it]. 3. My fault for drinking and for going out in the first place[especially when I knew the only thing I ate that day was a bit of rice.].

Honestly, the only good thing that's happened since I've been home has probably been Shawn visiting in NJ. And getting his letter. That made me really happy.

I'm gonna try to get my life together. I've been studying Chinese, and wow, I didn't forget as much as I thought. But I'm still really out of practice. I also have been halfassedly exercising, but I need to step it up a little.

And I will...after I have some ice cream.

I still cannot believe I didn't get that job. I feel like such a damn loser. I don't really need any pick-me-ups either-- I think this is the wakeup call I needed.

Get. your. shit. together.

Some wind in my spine, some fear in my smile lines.

Finally! A week until classes are over.

New word:

galumph \guh-LUHM(P)F\, intransitive verb:
To move in a clumsy manner or with a heavy tread.

Man, that word even sounds clumsy. "Yo, I saw that obsede chick galumphing around, looking for the bus stop, and I pretended not to see her."

Haha, not funny.

Okay, so, news wise. Let's see. Everyone still seems kinda excited about the Vtech shooting, and for good reason I suppose, but I remember reading somewhere that it's only proof of American privilege..? Like, we have the mayor of Nagasaki getting shot, killings going on daily in Iraq, renewed violence in Sri Lanka, and the only thing we can talk about is Don Imus and Vtech...?

I feel like getting overly philosophical about this[ ie. is the critique simply quantitative, that since more human life is being lost in Iraq, we shouldn't put so much attention on Vtech?], but I won't. I feel as if, especially lately, prioritizing tragedy and whatnot has been coming up a lot lately with people I've been talking to, and so I wanted to mention it.

It's really nice up in Boston for once, finally. Very excited for school to be over. Very, very.

And now, I think I'm gonna head out. I'll try to write more later.

Chao.

And the boy shut his bible and fluttered his eyelashes, saying, "These here are the end times."

I don't know if everyone's heard yet, but the worst school shooting in US history happened today at Virginia Tech. As of right now, 29 people died and 28 people are injured.

I wonder how long it's going to take for us to realize that we doing today's children a real disservice and causing their unhealthy development. Personally, I refuse to believe these school shootings are isolated incidents, particularly given the momentum they're gaining. What about the Red Lake High School Massacre? Or The Dawson School shooting across the border in Canada? Either Columbine is having a really delayed domino effect, or something weird is going on.

What I would REALLY like to see is this sort of thing addressed by a presidential candidate for 2008, or even what el jefe Bush has to say. I think it's really important, the topic of children. And not just about this incident, but in general, addressing the mental and emotional health of middle and high school students.[I immediately thought of how college students are the more narcissistic now than ever, so maybe we should include young adults in the discussion too]

And I don't want to sound preachy, but I think the first thing that Americans, particularly parents, should be doing is thinking about the ways their raising their children. I feel as if so many people are so self-righteous, so determined to think they know what's best for a child. Really, though?

I also feel like bringing in Cultural Evolution stuff, but I won't.

Anyway, it just caught my attention and I wanted to say something. I do think, for whatever reason, kids today are...more unstable than their/our predecessors. I think a more religious argument, or at least one with more Premillennialist leanings, might say it's a sign of the inability of the government to behave morally. But there are so many ways in which living today is different from living thirty or even twenty years ago-- the mass media becoming even more massive, and the subsequent exposure to violence and sex, how school as an institution has changed in the past years, the state of the economy and the slight shifts in class structure, what we think about health and nutrition. It makes me wish I knew more about child development because there are so many variables involved.

Man.

Living the life of a boxed-in chamber singer.

So, my econ t.a. found my problem set[and I told him I don't think he checked the mailbox I put my assignment in, but he swore he did] and is gonna give me a 68/70 on my other one for calling me a liar. Holla.[Also, no more tests before the final...? I'm really going to need to ace this final, then...and read the book, =(]

I then overslept and missed work and like..half of my Japanese class, during which we had a test. So I ran to class in some non-matching hideousness and apologized and took the test. Apparently, the second draft of an essay was due today too, but I didn't realize it was due today. Damn. To stay positive though, and hopefully not...too cocky, I think I may have done well on this test, but who knows.

No news today. No new word either, I'm about to take a shower-- I just wanted to talk about things turning around little by little. Next week is gonna be good.[And a day off on Monday, whaaaaat?]

One love.

He's a trainwreck in between my ears.

Man, what a perfect word to describe things right now: trainwreck.

Speaking of words: Word of the day.

brio \BREE-oh\, noun:
Enthusiastic vigor; vivacity; liveliness; spirit.

I don't feel like talking about stuff I've read today, but I'll do it just to keep the habit. I was on Powerline today, semi-surprisingly. Powerline is a fairly medium-conservative blog that I initially used to go to as a foil to DailyKos[Both are kinda myopic in the news coverage] back when I was trying to become a blogwhore in high school. Anyway, so I checked in, and [unsurprisingly] the author didn't have a comment about the Imus-Rutgers debacle, but he did post two comments that he felt were noteworthy. I'm doing this from memory, but I think they were to the point of the girls' team being whiners/thin-skinned, and that if they were going to cry foul every time someone broke the rules, then they're going to have a hard reckoning with the real world. I think there was also a comment about the team setting a bad example for young girls, since they were good examples of successful, strong females beforehand, and by crying and going on Oprah, they were behaving contrary to the image...or something like that. They suggested different ways to deal with Imus[I think it was tantamount to "ignore him", or show him that you're still gonna succeed despite his words].

I really don't care much about the content-- I feel as if I see the dichotomy come up to often about behavioral maxims. When something wrong is being done to you, do you A. protest it/"whine" and do whatever you can to stop it or B. deal with it/ignore it, and deprive the wrongdoer of the attention [s]he's probably looking for? It comes up all the time with racist incidents, if not all incidents of bias.

Honestly, I think it's more of a contextual thing. Sometimes protesting is useless, and sometimes ignoring stuff is really not useful at all. In this case, I'd say the protesting was useful-- Imus' sponsors got pulled, and CBS and MNBC stopped running his show. So bye, bye Imus.

I also generally find problems in 95% of the situations wherein we blame the victims, which is partially why I find problems with people getting angry at the people gloating at Al Sharpton's expense. He apparently sided with the rape victims in the Lacrosse rape trial[s?], and now that they've been cleared of the charges, I've been seeing some vitriol on some blogs about him. Honestly, at the time that he declared his support, no one really knew much of what happened anyway. I just...find it a little weird to gloat about his being wrong in this case, I guess. I wanted to make a point that we tend to re-victimize victims[even in this case, wasn't it that the girl was still raped, just not by the lacrosse team? I need to check it out again], but I forgot exactly how I wanted to make that case.

Oh, and Wolfowitz apparently gets busted for his own corruption? Weird, and kind of unexpected, I guess. I wonder if Bush released a statement.

Alright, now that I've done some news. Let's talk about me.

A few days ago I split a pole, and I think I'm paying for it, eightfold. I kid you not.

First, it turns out the Comparative Religion midterm I did got a B+, not an A like I expected. There's another Steven in my class, and apparently I got his comment sheet and he got mine. I wrote down the wrong date for my Armenian history presentation, which was apparently last Tuesday instead of next Tuesday. So, I missed my presentation. My econ T.A. lost both of my problem sets, so I apparently have to resubmit them and lose 20 points each. Also, I did fairly poorly on my exam from Tuesday, but I was not the only one. Also, my Japanese grades are kind of going...splat. Also...did I think I was just gonna magically find a job for the Summer? What the hell am I doing?

It's just like, damn. I've been thinking that I could just...coast around, doing the bare minimum, and get a bunch of As, but. I am f*cking up. Actually, I don't know what I thought, to be straight with you-- I've been reading comic books nonstop for the past few days because I think I like a boy[to be discussed] and I needed a distraction. Oh man, oh man.

I kind of had a good dosage of self-hatred[the perfect getter-upper, or at least in high school] after I talked to this chick who's apparently from near my high school. We were talking about my high school, and how I had 3 hour commutes each way. She and her friends made it seem so magical. And I guess I remember now-- falling asleep in my classes, being frustrated on the bus, coming out junior year, my envy of more or less any of the other four hundred students at school, my problems with the work, my disillusionment with education and upper middle class kids. My pride, my anger, my envy.

I don't know why I've stopped believing in myself, but I have, and I kind of forgot everything about my heroes. And it's like I'm spoiled-- I used to survive on two to three hours a day, and suddenly I'm tired on ten hours of sleep. I always have to remind myself not to get sucked into the pace at this school.

It's actually kind of gross, how I've lost almost all of my self-control. So I'm taking it back. Gotta shake it off. After practice, I may just have a work-a-thon.
Really, what this is about is my mother-- if there's anyone who's suffered more for the sake of me than me, it's her. And I may play the tortured role in my mind sometimes, and I may think that she does some silly/insensible things sometimes, but she does not deserve a son who can't even get his fucking act together.

Wow, I'm getting progressively angrier at myself. I'm such a momma's boy.

What's REALLY been driving me crazy, though, is the fact that I like Shawn and I want to date him. He might read this, and I guess my other friends do too, if they've bothered to read this far, but if I remember properly, part of this blog was supposed to be about being no holds barred.

IT HAS BEEN BOTHERING ME FOR AT LEAST A WEEK and it is frustrating as all hell. I stand by my assertions to Irene & co that emotions are easy; it's meta-emotions are hard. Do I want to like him? can I be sure that that's what I actually worth it? I feel as if the problem isn't to like him or not to.

Anyway, I could explain the many, many things I like about Shawn, talk about the fact that I really do think he has a kindness that's fairly uncommon. But I also feel as if I'm not worth it, that I'm still "in transit" in a lot of ways that would prevent me from having a meaningful relationship. There's also the fact that he graduates in...a month? I almost feel like just saying, "what's the point?"

I'm actually surprised I wrote about my Shawn-dilemma. I guess what finally settled things was the fact that in DeWick, as I was eating my Matzo and drinking my soda, I realized that he could probably hurt me if he wanted to. And I don't even know what that'd be like-- this is kind of the first kind of experience I'm having where I'm starting to like someone exclusively for their personality as opposed to sex, or being driven exclusively by what the sex will be like.[Which is why I don't like a lot of people, I guess-- few people really get me aroused to that extent] So it's just weird. I kind of wanted to hook him up with someone else, just because I think he can do better.[once I give him a haircut, anyway, =P]

But that's far too much high school dramatics. I think I'm just going to have to talk to him, ask him what his feelings are[I guess I've been working under the assumption that he does like me, so I wonder what'll happen if he doesn't], and figure out things from there.

And if we do wind up dating, I'm going to have to put it on Facebook.[Sorry, Gracie, =P]

Alright, I'm tired of talking, I'm all determined and stuff now. Plus, I've got practice in twenty minutes.

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.”

Preach, Eleanor, preach.

Gertrude Stein never knew an autobiography like mine.

New word:

abecedarian \ay-bee-see-DAIR-ee-uhn\, noun:
1. One who is learning the alphabet; hence, a beginner.
2. One engaged in teaching the alphabet.

If there were ever a useless word.

Hi, Kids.

Sorry, finals are coming with the quickness and I still don't know what I'm going to do for a job. It's quite problematic. I almost wonder if I can still do SEEDS, possibly Phase III this time[I've done NJ SEEDS, this nonprofit that helps urban minorities get into private high schools, for about five years. I'm also an alumni of the program myself. Anyway, I've been working with phase I for this time, but Phase III is the mock-boarding school experience and has a higher salary]

What else.

Oh, news.

A few things caught my eye that I remember right now.

This made me very happy.

Also, apparently congress is about to do another debate on stem cell funding, which I'm pretty sure is gonna go no where, unfortunately. The atmosphere in this country may be a little different, but not so much to force this administration to change its policies on stem cell research.

Also, this was a serious victory for biological privacy rights.

"I had hoped that common sense and the legal framework would hold up. I'm grateful that it has done so... Being a mother is still an option to her that does not involve me."--Mr. Howard Johnston

The idea that she could even use the embryos is ridiculous. It's unfortunate that she's lost the ability to have a child with her own genes, but when you give up sperm or eggs to create an embryo for IVT, it's under the implication of consent from both parties. In an ethical sense, I think it's kind of ridiculous that it would have been possible to have his child without his consent. Legally, I have my doubts that there's a consent clause that states the usage of the embryo is on condition of both parties still being in a relationship[but I would think consent would go in there, and apparently he didn't want her to have his child]. Messed up world.

And finally, something else that's been on my mind[since, I don't really pay attention to school very often] has been the DNC not endorsing FOX, the influence of democratic blogopia on the web, and the big three[Obama, Clinton, and Edwards] saying they wouldn't appear on the CDC-FOX debate.

Honestly, I find the CBC questionable-- I don't trust black leadership in America period, perhaps even leadership in general. NAACP, the Congressional Black Caucus, National Black Justice Coalition, Amnesty International, Human Rights International. I don't think I'm looking for perfection, but it seems as if time and time again there's some bad economics going on, or my interests are not being represented.

Anyway, I've been reading some commentary and talking to some people, I guess, and a common response seems to be questioning why, I guess. Is Fox really so biased that the debate would wind up hurting Democratic candidates? It's a legitimate television network.

Honestly, I don't care so much about how the debate will be handled-- people keep saying that Obama's got no substance, blah blah. But I don't know how to respond to that; he's got his responses to issues on his website. He's been speaking for almost a year now; he's not just blowing hot air, the transcripts of his speeches come with his responses to issues. So...I guess I just don't really get the complaint. Are Clinton and Edwards really that much better, or are we holding Obama to different standards?

Regardless, what I do like is that this is not going on Fox is really a flex of democratic muscle for once. If there's one thing I hate about liberals, it's that they're wimps. It's kind of pathetic-- honestly, for the media to be so 'liberal' and all this mess, and for so many liberal academics to be ruling our educational system and whatnot, they're doing a crappy job making use of that influence. I love Republican attacks, they're sharp. Man. No holds barred. Manipulation, whatever it takes. And I'm not saying I'm looking to be manipulated, but I feel as if liberals have so many constructive/structural assumptions to set before making a complete argument that they're almost fundamentally incapable of being really zingy most of the time. And, zingy is good.

Also, if I meet another self-righteous liberal, I am going to scream.

Anyway, I think the problem with Fox News has been a consistent misrepresentation and manipulation of the news[and I don't think other television news companies are innocent either, but I think there has been an effective and intent agenda in mind with Fox News for...however long I've known about Fox News]. And, if you feel as if they're against you, stop paying them attention. Stop whining.

So, I like that they're not going on there. I think I'd like it even more if they went on Fox News, trounced any possible misrepresentations/whatever, but save maybe Clinton, I don't think I trust any of them to be able to defend themselves. And even Clinton would be working really uphill.

Oh, and save Giuliani, I think I hate the Republican candidates.

Oh well.

What about y'all? Any comments/other news worth talking about?

Chao.

My soul comes with a side order of biscuits and mashed potatoes.

I'm incorrigible.

NEW WORD: fulminate- Verb; to loudly attack or denounce

My my, what to say, what to say. Since my last post, I've more or less finished with my midterms. I'm on Spring Break right now, just convalescing at home, I guess. I haven't really left the house at all, except today.[And, oh man. Did I buy the finest fitteds-- with rhinestones! Truly befitting a fabulicious young gay man of color like myself.]

Sorry, I was so obsessed with touting my own horn...

Oh, right, so that's pretty much the state of affairs. I've got about five weeks left of class, and oh, am I counting down the days. I am so ready to graduate college and go to grad school/law school/business school/someplace NOT IN BOSTON.

I discovered BGClive recently, so that's been taking up tons of my time. There's a lot of overlap with adam4adam, but sometimes I forget how many good looking guys there are and I just feel like being a teenage boy and...."fuck[ing] bitches, [get[ting] money.]"

Aside from that, I've been doing a lot of reading, a lot of reconnecting. I spoke to my good friends Nikita and Luke recently, both of whom I was really close to in high school. They actually dated for about two to three years but they called the quits a while ago.

Anyway, Nikita is great. I feel like I'm so obsessed with being respectful and not offending people that in a lot of ways I have silenced my opinion, but I was such a cocky bitch in high school, or at least really blunt. And Nikita isn't trashy blunt, but very straightforward and hilarious. And a lot of times we just..have the same opinion on everything without even realizing it. Even talking about how traumatizing high school was, or various poetic devices, like...I feel like we just automatically agree.

And we're both really lazy, too.

So, we exchanged poetry and talked about college and how we're both ready to graduate. It was great. I really miss seeing her beautiful face everyday.

Luke was actually my best friend, and I guess he sort of still is. It's odd, we had this running gag freshman year that freaked the hell out of me, but we really share a lot of the same ideas. And, we both kind of started studying Japanese around the same time. Then, in college, coincidentally, we both started studying Chinese. Now, he took a short trip to Tokyo and is in Beijing this semester; I'll be going to Hangzhou, which is a bit south of Shanghai, this Fall, then I'll be studying in Kanazawa, Japan this spring.

It's just...wow. I don't understand where all of this overlap comes from. But, since he's in China, I assumed he wouldn't be able to get on AIM or access any sort of eMail service, but clearly, I was not very informed on the Chinese Great Firewall situation. So,we spit the breeze about this and that and I'm just so happy for him. He gave me pointers, etc.

I guess by bringing them up I'm just reminded of how glad I am that I have friends like them...even though we go to different schools. I really think we'll stay in touch, even though when everyone was writing "K.I.T." in everyone's yearbooks, I really thought it was a load of crap.

I started working out again, which has been more or less limited to doing tons of pushups. When I get back to school, I'm gonna try to do more cardio.

I was thinking about it, especially since my mom's friend's sister died recently, but I really don't eat healthily. I hate vegetables. And I was looking at my dinner from the other day-- stew chicken, potatoes, rice. Sausage. There was broccoli, but I just remember pouring some of the juice on my rice and....mmm. It was good, but I'm pretty sure I felt my arteries get a little tighter as I swallowed that sausage.[No sexual pun intended.] And, like, that's just what I eat, greasy stuff. Tons of pizza, at least three double cheese burgers a day. And I'm still thin, so I guess I'm relatively lucky, but it's not just going no where.

I don't know if I'm feeling this because Summer's coming and I think I have boys to impress, but I'm also getting actually concerned about my health. Particularly since high blood pressure runs deep in our family and I live for salt. LIVE FOR IT.

Also, I'm gonna try to start writing again and being more political. I'm losing my edge, man.

I've got so much more to say, but maybe I'll try to fit the rest in an entry tomorrow. Assuming I have the time-- it's my grandmother's birthday.

Live for me, lovers.

Infrequent si[g]ns of a divine creator.

Sorry, I've been rather infrequent with my postings.

NEW WORD.

Asperity- noun; harshness of manner, something hard to endure

Um. What to say, what to say...

1. I'm very ready to graduate. I'm not just saying that because I'm in the throes of midterms, but I think I just want to spend time with my mother. I'm just tired, and being at home just makes everything alright.

2. I'm going abroad next year? Don't know if I've said stuff about that already.

Hmm. I'm trying to figure out what this exhaustion is-- it's not even school, it's just being frustrated and tapped of all of my spirit, my patience, my compassion, my anger, my grief, it's almost nihilistic. I also blame my Culture Evolution class and my inability to find an argument pro-free will[sorry, philosophy talk-- maybe I'll get into that later]

It's funny, this summer I said, "this year will just be 'the year that never happened'", what with my getting braces and loading up on classes. I think I was half-serious, but...that's gonna be my new mantra.

[Oh yeah, the "Beautiful Liar" video is the shit. ]

One Love.

ETA: I just realized part of the reason I can't flesh out all of my thoughts is because I've got everyone reading this stuff again.

Maybe I'll actually start a real blog...more anonymous, etc.



ETA PART II: Since I was reminded about the whole straight thing...

Well, I was just thinking about how much I must be disappointing my family and other people. And I know all of this "be true to yourself" BS and "if they can't take you for all of you, then it's probably not worth it"...but, isn't it? Anyway, I was primarily wondering if I was really as opposed to girls as I thought I was, and if I could actually get a girl. And I think I could if I played my cards right. And would it really be that bad? I mean, I'd probably be leading her on, because I doubt I'd be able to keep that charade up for long, but...wouldn't it be worth it just to give my family the spectacle, of me with a girlfriend/wife[as an adult]?

I don't think I'd actually do it-- it's not fair, just straight up deception-- but I just wanted to say that I am privy to these types of thoughts now and then, and especially then. I also feel as if I have a lot of masculinity/power issues, being gay-- as much as I try to not be anti-femme or whatever, I definitely regulate my own actions all the time so that I'm at least...neutral? I feel as if with a girlfriend, the whole masculinity thing isn't much of an issue-- the sexual role is assumed, and it's just less of a headache.

Also, I was just thinking of children, and I remembered a conversation I had with my grandfather about him passing on his name. He had four girls, so it was supposed to die, but then I took my mom's name so...yeah. I don't know.

I think I've just been trying to see if I could bisexualize myself, but I'm feeling kinda asexual this year anyway, so it's not even worth talking about.

And now...One love.

Don't get yourself in situations.

I never thought I'd say this but,

I'm considering being straight.

Pray for me.

I'm torn in-between the two.

Like, y'know, that Letoya Luckett Song? Man, I was feeling some of those remixes.

Beware, partially explicit.

Anyway, I just had sex with one of the most reviling guys I've ever been with. Oh man.

I don't even know where to begin.

I guess we should start with some background information. For about the past three weeks or so, probably closer to four or five, I took a pledge against masturbation. I don't know what the reasoning was-- I think I just wanted to restore some order and control to my life.

I also vowed myself to celibacy when I got my braces. There's this song from Nelly Furtado called "Forca", and there's this part where it goes "No half-assed." And, that's kinda my motto-- no half-assed anything if I can, and so. Until I'm muscular, gorgeous, and free from the rein of these accursed braces, I decided I would be celibate and wouldn't actually...put effort into a real relationship. Technically, I should wait until I'm emotionally stable, but I'm a teenager, so that's not gonna happen for another eighty years.

Anyway, non-masturbation? Definitely one of the worst ideas I've ever had. I like to go for a week sometimes, just to remind my body who's in charge, but anything over that just gets me frustrated real fast.

Um.

I've been really emotional and down in the dumps lately, I guess. Particularly when I was feeling all persecuted-Catholic, which i discussed in my last entry. Then, Friday night we had a party at the LGBT-theme house, the Rainbow House, which was fun. But then I saw my exes hooking up? And, I think I'm just...really possessive, so I just got grossed out or something. I felt bad-- I was definitely, like, being flirted with which was fun. But I was just avoiding eyesight and being weird, I guess.

I think my problem is that I see this day when everything turns out fabulous-- I'll always be short, that's not changeable, but my braces'll be gone, I'll have like...eighty pounds of muscle, lots of money to buy lots of great clothes. Oh man. I'm oozing in anticipation.

So, I've been a little down. And, when I'm down, I...like to screw pathetic guys to make myself feel better? For one, it's a position of power-- I was so grossed out throughout the entire thing that I just became more and more unaroused as the ordeal went on. For another, you get compliments. I'm really simple, so, I believe every word. =). And then when he said, "We can finish this another time", I thought about saying, "Sorry, I don't do seconds" but...he also had me by a good few inches and pounds, so I just said "Yeah."

He had a nice dick, though. Kudos.

Luckily, like the Godsend that my wife is, Gracie called me about an hour into it and rescued me from sir grossness. She's here in Boston today-- I have to thank her profusely for saving me.

I mean, I don't know-- I'm a bitch, I guess, because I believe in ego sex. It brings me back to like...junior/senior year, where I was coming out and was even more of a Paris Hilton/Nicole Richie fan. It's just so...uplifting. Hahaha.

Another positive is that I never want to have sex again. Like, I think that's going to take another entry, but I feel like I'm so in love with boys. Almost boy-crazy. I love looking at boys. It's the sex that sucks.

Actually, I think I just need to try it with someone I like. I haven't done that for a while.

Note: I swear, I've only slept with like...10-15 people. Honest. And only maybe like...two were good.

Oh man. The whole time, I kept thinking of the Mary above my head, and how her gaze was directly aimed at me. And "Throw Some D's" in the background, haha.

Alright, I need to take a shower before my roommate does. Chao, kids.

Umm.

I've never seen two people that I've been with...hook up with one another.

It's definitely one of the more bizarre feelings I've ever had.

More on this later. I'm too drunk to give a full explication right now.

There's blood in my mouth, 'cause I've been biting my tongue all week.

There's this band I used to like, Rilo Kiley. They fell out of favor as I [re]discovered R&B, but I guess I just remembered why I liked them today.

I've got a few things to talk about. But FIRST:

inchoate - adj. newly begun, incomplete, not organized

Who the hell says inchoate? "My word, sally, the speech I've written to deliver in Gettysburg is still quite inchoate! And whither Mary Wollenstonecraft dares inspire me to write, I cannot write a sentence!"

Haha.

Well, anyway, I'm sick. Cough effin' sneeze sick. Boston's crazy-- we just got like six inches the other day[I was PERFECTLY happy with global warming, kthnx], and now I'm all slipping in ice and whatnot. It's gross and sad.

But that's not why I'm sick. I started getting the sniffles after I pointed out [correctly] to a friend that she's been at my college for like..eight years. Alright, I was being sarcastic, but I certainly didn't deserve her to splash an entire cup of water at me when it's like..8 degrees outside.

I mean, I was mad, if only because I knew what was gonna happen[I'd get sick, and it did happen]. But I guess I shouldn't dish it out if I can't take it? Especially from radioactive females who think it's okay to attack boys and get no sort of reprisal.

Man, I'm so tired of those games.

I mean, I remember thinking when I came out that since I was gay, girls wouldn't like...hit me when I said something funny, or do stupid stuff to me. They're just words-- I've got faults too, crack on me. But it never happens that way. I guess I've just gotta learn to keep my mouth shut more often.

Or get some armor.

Otherwise, I skipped two classes today. That may seem bad, but last semester[and...all of last year], I skipped class so much. Not even intentionally, but I just won't wake up if I don't want to-- or I'll turn off my alarm, go to sleep, and have no recollection of ever having woken up. For instance, last year, I went to like...less than half of all of my intro to philosophy classes. Still wound up with a B, though.

Anyway, now that my schedule practically starts at 12/1:30 everyday, waking up isn't so much of a problem. That said, today was pretty much all of my fault. I had a small reflection paper due today and an Economics problem set, stuff I've known about for a good while now. And, instead of doing it last night, or any other night, I decided to watch Oz instead.

Ohhh, man, do I love Oz. I have this habit, which is why I try not to watch television. Once I start a show, especially if I have the dvds or I'm downloading it, I have to finish it. It was like that with..every anime I've ever seen.[Yeah, I used to be addicted. Now, I only keep up with a few anime. Naruto, Death Note, etc.] It was like that with Noah's Arc.[Hell, it's still like that with Noah's Arc. I've seen each episode like 10 times. And I'm still gonna watch it after I finish Oz.] It was like that with Queer as Folk. And it's like that with Oz.

Spoilers for those who've never seen it, but back when it was on HBO, before I had cable, I'd go to my aunt's house or my grandmother's house to watch it every weekend. It came on Saturday nights, I think. So I already know what's gonna happen, but I'm just waiting for Beecher and Keller to...like, really fall in love again, and so I keep downloading and watching, thinking it's gonna be the next episode. And it still hasn't happened. Man. I'm anxious.

I'm on season three right now. Six more to go.

So, that's my television addiction. Oh, right, and anime. Naruto Shippuuden finally aired, which makes me happy. For those who don't know/care, I'll go for brevity: Naruto's this series about a blond haired brat who wants to become the top ninja in his village, and the anime has been sucking for at least about two years. So I've just been keeping up with the comics.[Which, were also pretty good this week. Probably because of Sasuke.] Anyway, Shippuuden is the show finally following the comics again, and the premiere was really good, I thought. So, yay.

But that's that.

What's really concerning me, I think, is my faith. I mean, I won't pretend I'm a good Catholic-- I think I'm more about the trappings than the actual doctrine. I haven't read the bible for a few years, but I still think about...tattooing "Mary, full of grace" on my arm and "Hail Mary" on my back, and I've got a Mary poster on my wall. Which I think is another problem-- I feel like I know that God comes first, and I recognize God/Christ above all things, but my mind always seems to come back to Mary. I don't know what that's about.

So, the point is I recognize my failings. And I try to be humble in as many manners as I can-- not to force my religion on people, to only talk about it when asked, etc. But I'm starting to wonder about my friends-- granted, a lot of it is just stupid banter and mean jokes, but...I almost feel like I'm being demeaned? And if it continues, I think I'm going to have to bring it up.

I don't want to be tolerated. It's kind of like being gay, for me, being a Catholic-- it's integral to me. I've made my own decision, of my own avowal, and I don't feel comfortable being demeaned for my religious affections.

I feel as if I'm almost losing my way, or something, like I need to pray more. Get my life together. I think I'm getting carried away with being social and forgetting what gives my life meaning. God. Family. Love.

But I also feel as if I'm being self-righteous, which is probably inevitable for me. I'm not even really looking for counsel. I think I just need some down time to re-evaluate where I'm going with my life.

Also, I was thinking of giving up alcohol for Lent, almost as a way of punishing myself[because, Oh man, do I drink often]. But I can't figure out if my reasons are good. Yeah, it's hard, but is that sufficient reason? I'm pretty sure I can think of equally hard things. Using the computer for recreation, for example. Shopping. Partying. And it goes on.

I guess I think I may be using this because I want to distance myself from people or something. Especially since a friend just told me that my giving up alcohol is ridiculous/impossible. I mean, yeah, I guess it was funny, but it's also serious. I shouldn't give it up to prove it to her-- that's not the point of Lent at all. The point is to empathize with Christ's suffering in the desert, from fasting and whatnot. To recognize suffering.

I'm sorry, I'm being all serious and stuff about this.

But that aside, I've been having a lot of good luck lately. I guess I'll talk about that later, though.

Later, holmes and holmettes.

Hercules in his smile-lines.

Sorry, I've been tied up with academia BS. I keep thinking, "I've gotta write something here when I've got the time", but it never actually happened.

And the word of the day is...

luculent- limpid: (of language) transparently clear; easily understandable; "writes in a limpid style"; "lucid directions"; "a luculent oration"

Hmm. Soon, maybe I'll actually be ready for the GREs.

So, I decided to petition so that I could take six classes. Study abroad applications were due this week also, and I finally declared the philosophy major, so I've just been running around trying to get my stuff together. Whew.

And now: F school.

I came home last night/this morning[I have braces, so I come home every month to get my braces tightened]. And man, it's funny how sobering coming home actually is.

I was talking to my mom about finances...and apparently we have a lot less saved than I thought. Like, I thought we set aside the money for my braces[the procedure's "cosmetic", so my insurance doesn't cover any of my braces costs]. But, suddenly she has like...50 dollars in the bank? Well, not counting paychecks, but I just don't get where it goes.

Like, part of the reason why I try not to spend her money is so that she can save some for herself. But it still doesn't work. And she doesn't spend it on herself, so I just have no idea where it goes. I know there are random unexpected bills we've been having, but I thought we'd still have more saved.

Anyway, money aside, it just puts things back in perspective. At school, when you're surrounded by these kids who really don't plan or have to worry about basic stuff, it kinda slows down my pace a little. And it's cool to have fun, I guess, but I don't think I'm as mature at school? It's a good thing, to be around people your own age and do work and drink and party and all that, but...maintaining priorities is definitely a struggle.

Finances aside, I just love being around my mother. I'm a major momma's boy.

Also, something that caught me was when I was on the shuttle to the train station, from school. This kid, who I figured was gay from the start anyway, was telling me about how he had a date with this boy at the nearby movie theatre. They were going to see Pan's Labyrinth, which I totally recommend if you can find it. It's brutal, but it's good. When he called it a date, though, it just kinda struck me because...I don't think I've ever had one?

I mean, I've dated girls, but I don't really count those. I mean, not going to give the entire T on my boy history, but I've never dated a guy. Like, when I first came out I was so sex crazy that I thought it was just a waste of money and time, I guess. Or I'd go to a club/party with my friends and that'd be my social activity for the night. I also think I've just never been keen on emotional commitments-- I've had a boyfriend, but we never really..dated? Like, it wasn't romantic at all, it was just a friendship on a really deep level. I mean, it was great, but I just think I've never been ready to put myself out there and be emotionally involved with someone.

So, I think that's gonna be my new resolution for 2007. To...have a date.

In other news, did I say I love being home? (=. Boston is gross.

I'm not going to leave you.

It's funny, listening to Jennifer Hudson belt out "I am telling you, 'I'm not going' completely dominates my attention. Like, I've been reading this manuscript for class and I forgot my comments just because of me having to sing along at specific parts.

I've had the Dreamgirls soundtrack on repeat for the past hour.

In another news, my forgetfulness must be pretty obvious by now. I totally forgot about my vocab word idea.[And, the whole identity keyword thing, but that seemed like a partially tedious idea anyway.]

Vocabulary word of the day: Desuetude.

desuetude \DES-wih-tood, -tyood\, noun:
The cessation of use; discontinuance of practice or custom; disuse.

Found that on some GRE flashcards.

This week was like...pure academic confusion. I'm still taking all of the classes that I had planned beforehand, but I just don't know what I'm going to major in anymore. To give some sort of background information, I'm really trying to sap as much from my college education that I possibly can. For one, I'm trying to go to China for my fall semester next year[I'll be a junior], and Japan for my spring semester. The main problem is that I have no money, so I'm gonna see what financial aid can hook me up with...that's what it there for, right? And it's not like I want to play around, I do want to get fluent in Chinese and Japanese.

Asia's gonna control my life, I guess.

Anyway, for another, I'm also trying..to triple major, I guess? But I kinda made things hard for myself. My school has a lot of annoying requirements, and I've gotten most of them done, it's just really science and art credits.[By the way, 1 credit = 1 class, most of the time.] Science is being the real thorn in my backside. I know the International Relations major will happen-- it requires like...20 specific credits, and I've got about 12 of them. The other contenders are Japanese, which is pretty likely as a second major, Chinese, and Philosophy.

Philosophy stands out I guess, being the least...Asian/international, and it's the hardest for me to complete. The major requires 10 credits and I've got..4. Y'see, this would all be so easy if I weren't going abroad next year-- I'm only a sophomore, so I'm actually kind of ahead with 4 already. But it's just I'm really not gonna have the time as a senior to complete the major unless I take summer classes or..really load up senior year. I don't know.

I'm in this Philosophy seminar right now, Cultural Evolution, and I feel pretty overwhelmed, I guess. My philosophy classes have usually been concerned with ethics and whatnot, but this one is more about theoretical anthropology, memetics, and using a Darwinian approach to areas other than biology. I just feel...really not as well read as any of my other classmates.

I like challenges and all, but I'm just not sure if I want to invest all of this effort.

Oh well. Sorry, all of this academic nonsense must be boring, but I just need to air my thoughts.

Cauliflower dreamer.

I'm at work, but 'work' is never actually a big thing anyway...so.

One thing I haven't mentioned is that I'm a real prolific dreamer.

Like, I just have really...weird dreams, all the time. I think it's the food I eat.

I had these weird nightmares last week that I was getting raped by my best friend[who's female, which makes it even weirder] and it was just so freaky. I remember waking up angry as hell.

But I don't want to go into too much detail on that.

Anyway, in the dream I had last night, I came home from school and my mother had converted to becoming a Jehovah's Witness. She didn't act like a real Jehovah's Witness, though-- she just acted like she was in a cult. Suddenly we couldn't eat this, and I couldn't do that-- and I remember just telling her that the whole thing was BS[no offense to any actual JWs out there-- it wasn't really an accurate depiction in my dream anyway]. We kept arguing and I kept throwing away her little JW trinkets and eventually her 'leader' type guy came over to our house for a true JW dinner. And it was like..orange juice and some Glazed donuts. And, for some reason I was really hungry, so I was fiending for my donut.

But, when I went to get it from the refrigerator, the leader guy just told me how I was making the home environment uncomfortable for a new convert like my mother, and that I was some heathen who was converting her from the path of righteousness, or something like that. And then we got into it. Eventually I said, "I just want my freakin' donut", and he told me that I didn't deserve the whole thing and only gave me a slice of it. I got really heated after that. When he left, I tried to eat the rest, and my mother and I got into it. So I called over my aunt and my cousins. I was just, like, "You are being brainwashed! Y'know, religion is important, so if you wanna throw your soul away then I don't even know if we should live together."

And then she kicked me out. And my uncle did some shady hustling stuff.

Sorry, me telling it is wordy to the max, but it was so weird as it happened. Especially since the only reason I woke up was because my mom called-- I was almost just about to say, "Why did you become a Jehovah's Witness!?!?"

So bizarre. I love Jehovah's Witnesses, =P

She gon' take everything I own...

Y'know, I'm tired of losing friends.

That's the hardest thing about the coming out process, bar none. Luckily, for me they've been peripheral friends-- kids I'd hang with and whatnot, who were fun but not necessarily people I'd trust. I don't know what I'd do if my mom had disowned me, for example.

We actually had a talk about this over Winter Break, my mother and I, about what I would have done. In the back of my mind I had a few friends whom I'd already come out to who I expected to put me up for a while until I found something more permanent. Then, there was the fact that I was going to college the year after, so I was hoping that would work. If my mom didn't have my back, everybody else in my family would have gotten word of it and it probably would have been a mass disowning. As it is now, I haven't come out to my aunts or any of the older relatives.

Everything turning out great was entirely situational, which I think it took me a while to get used to. If I'd been born to, say, any of my other aunts, for example, I'd have been kicked out, definitely. Or something would have happened, like sending me down South to 'fix' me. For a while, though, I think I had this privileged attitude like "well, if you're not out, you're not worth my time"-- but that's so myopic and immature, I think I've realized. For example, if I knew my mother'd disown me, especially since she's all I have, I never would have even come out at all. Definitely not in school, either, especially since word would get back home at some point. And so I'd definitely be in my 20's or 30's before I eventually took the big step, once I was out of school and had my own stability.

Anyway, for a while, I think I just frowned upon the whole DL thing-- and I think I still do, to some extent. I can't help it-- lying's unfortunate, especially about your sexuality. When it's necessary, it's necessary; but when you're 38 and still 'in the closet', I have trouble accepting that. I mean, I can understand wanting to maintain connections to people who'd throw you out of their lives, if they'd known, but I don't know. I guess I'm simple, but if I'm so replaceable that you could stop talking to me over whom I sleep with and whom I don't, then I wouldn't be able to help coming to the conclusion that I never really meant much to you at all. Y'know? But it could just be me.

I think there's a snobbery that comes with coming out, at least for me, like we're doing the right thing and the liars and deceivers aren't. And, while that may be what I think, I should also try to be humble and remember that we're all just human. So the self-righteousness is probably unnecessary.

This was because of someone else recently finding out I'm gay, which really isn't much of a secret anyway. [S]he and I aren't friends anymore, I guess.

Which reminds me, something that I still haven't gotten over, and still should probably confront my cousins over, is them reading my Myspace, seeing the 'gay' for sexual orientation, and sending it through the entire family chain. That s*it was ridiculous, especially since they act as if it never happened, and we still act normally. I mean, now there's just this tension whenever dating comes up, and I really don't know why they thought that'd even be interesting to do. Especially since they weren't being malicious.

I try not to care about too much, I guess, just keep things simple. Be moral. Live my life, love as much as I can, be as honest as I can.

Definitely hard, though.

I wanna wade in the sonic joy.

Now that I'm sober, not half-asleep and I have a full belly, I think I can write something not completely vapid.

Oh, yeah, I was talking to someone the other day about how important vocabulary is, and how detrimental college has actually been to the amount of vocab I actually remember. The result is that I'm gonna put up a new word every entry that I didn't know the definition of off-hand.

Starting now.

Pusillanimous- poor-spirited, unmanly, lacking in courage and manly strength and resolution; contemptibly fearful

Wow, that's a mouthful. I'm pretty sure this is the first time I've ever encountered it.

Big vocabularies mean stronger writing...or so I used to believe in 10th grade.

Anyway, onto real things. This past Saturday, I had a pow-wow with some of my gal pals after going to some parties over pizza and vodka.[Well, if that's not gay man behavior, I don't know what is.]

The topic of the conversation was that while we may talk about relationship woes and stuff, I usually don't talk about my issues, at all. It's always them and their boyfriends, but as I said, I'm more of a listener, anyway. Well, that and I prefer to think they're not really equipped to handle my problems or will suggest solutions that don't really work for me. But that's also just because I'm weird.

So, they made me give a diatribe about my recent dating history, I guess, and I eventually wound up saying something to effect, "I'm tired of white guys" or something like that, or the gay community at large is a racist institution. And I think I took it for granted that they'd let it slide, but one of my friends made a joke about me not liking white people, which isn't really true it all. I'd like to think I was mainly venting, but I'm also just...tired of white guys.

I've only dated a few, but I think I've been with more white guys than Black or Latino, probably. I guess what I really meant in less offensive terms is that I'm tired of the white guys on the cover of Out/whatever other gay-themed magazines there are, who all seem to share interests in the same garbage. It's like, if I want to date someone in school, the pool is pretty much white-- and to encounter them, I'm going to have to dance to their bad Madonna remixes, or go to some dinner/play/whatever, or buy into some culture that I have nothing in common with. I just feel like I've had my fill, and I'm really uninterested.

For a while, I think I was partially under the impression that dating people from similar backgrounds as me[by which I mean, poor] would be backwards, that it'd be contrary to any sort of upward mobility that I was trying to get. And so I wound up selling myself on this glitter-and-Abercrombie lifestyle that really doesn't work for me at all.

Of course, I don't mean to characterize an entire race of people either, but I'm tired of being careful with my words. Words are weapons, man.

It's like, you've got the white guys who are looking for black guys[and that just grosses me out to hell and back], and then you've got the 'normal' ones, I guess, who range anywhere along the spectrum. And, for me anyway, to get with the normal ones usually meant aligning my interests with them and a trivialization of my own.

So, maybe you can blame a bad dating history.

I still don't think this is satisfactory, either, but maybe someone else will make the point with a much stronger argument and I'll just latch on.

Maybe we can say this was the entry about gayness? But it's about blackness, too.

Whatever. Maybe I'll just ditch the keyword thing.

"Inside out, upside down twisting besides myself."

By the way, the entry title and that quote are lyrics from some Imogen Heap songs-- I was on her album, "Speak for yourself" this entire summer. Definitely give her stuff a listen if you've got the time-- "Hide and Seek" not so much, I think.

Well, that's all I've got for now. Chao, kids.

Edit: I was still thinking about it.

I think the truth of the matter is that I don't necessarily have a negative interest in white males, it's more so that I've got a much greater interest in gay men of color.

It tends to come out as me getting annoyed with white guys, if only because I feel like that has to be an active thing, since that's all I'm confronted with. Maybe.

Sorry, I couldn't resist adding.

Meme machines.

I promised myself that I'd make a post since I've been neglecting to do so, but it's four in the morning and I really can't churn out any good material right now.

Plus, I'm really lazy.

So, I'll post a survey.[I won't do this often, cross my heart.] I just need to put something on here, it's a compulsion.

1. The phone rings. Who do you want it to be?
Jeremy, but I don't think he has my number.

2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?
Yeah, I do, most of the time.

3. In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener?
With most of my friends, I'm the listener. Unless I'm being wacky.

4. Do you take compliments well?
It depends on who says it. I'd say no, I don't, in general.

5. Do you play Sudoku?
It bores me.

6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive?
I doubt it.

7. Your fear?
Losing my values.

8. Did you ever go to camp as a kid?
I went to NJ SEEDS, which is better than camp.

9. What was your favorite game as a kid?
Monopoly, maybe. Or Life.

10. If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was married, would you?
I have previously. I hope nowadays I'm secure enough to say no.

12. Could you date someone with different religious beliefs than you?
Well, I doubt I'd do well with a diabolist. But otherwise, I think so.

13. Do you like to pursue or be pursued?
Hmm. I want to say pursue, but I also don't want to...purse someone I can't have.

14. Use three words to describe yourself?
passionate, proud, idealistic.

15. Do any songs make you cry?
Experiences make me cry, not songs.

16. Are you continuing your education?
Yeah. College student.

17. Do you know how to shoot a gun?
Nah, I don't.

18. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you grabbed?
My laptop. Took so much work to actually buy one-- I couldn't just let all that burn up.

19. How often do you read books?
Pretty often, though nowadays it's often for class. I read about five books over winter break, so that's a little more than a book a week, when I don't have class.

I'm reading The Selfish Gene right now, hence the title of this entry. It's really interesting, but it's for class, so it's thick.

20. Do you think more about the past, present or future?
The present the most.

21. What is your favorite children's book?
The Cat in the Hat. There was also this series I had that I can't remember.

22.What color are your eyes?
Brown.

23. How tall are you?
5'4.[Hence, olashorty.]

24. Where is your dream house located?
China? Japan?
I don't have a dream house.

25. What did you do last night?
Went out partying, got drunk, had a pow wow with some of the friends.

26. What are you doing tonight?
Tonight is over. If you mean Sunday night, I had dinner, watched anime, and read The Selfish Gene. Monday night I've got Blackout practice.

27. Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth?
Yeah, a bunch of times.

28. When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?
Never.

30. Where was the furthest place you traveled today?
Downhill to grab dinner.

32. Do you like mustard?
Yeah.

33. Do you prefer to sleep or eat?
Eat.
I eat like no other.

34. Do you look like your mom or dad?
I've gotten conflicting opinions...but my mom says I resemble my father. Plus, she's light-skinned.

35. How long does it take you in the shower?
Probably like an hour if I've got the time.

36. Can you do splits?
Nah, but I'm working on it.

37. What movie do you want to see right now?
Tongues Untied. I just saw Paris is Burning, but Tongues Untied is supposed to be more relevant to current gay black culture.

39. What did you do for New Year's?
I went to sleep. =P

40. Do you think The Grudge was scary?
Didn't see it.

42. Do you own a camera phone?
No.

44. Was your mom a cheerleader?
No.

45. What's the last letter of your middle name?
L.[Kudos if you guess it.]

47. How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
I don't know, around six?

48. Do you like care bears?
I remember I recorded Power Rangers over my cousin's video of that show. So, no.

49. What do you buy at the movies?
Tickets? I'm certainly not buying the overpriced popcorn and hotdogs.

50. Do you know how to play poker?
Nope.

51.Do you wear your seatbelt?
Yeah. Car accidents are no joke.

52. What do you wear to sleep?
Basketball shorts and a t shirt, usually.

53. Anything big ever happen in your hometown?
Yeah. Some guy brought in anthrax into our mall over break, or something.

54. How many meals do you eat a day?
Usually 2, 'cause I have issues getting up for breakfast.

55. Is your tongue pierced?
No.

56. Do you always read MySpace bulletins?
nope

58. Do you like funny or serious people better?
Funny.

59. Ever been to L.A.?
Unfortunately no.

60. Did you eat a cookie today?
Nah.

61. Do you use cuss words in other languages?
I rarely use curse words in English, so...

62. Do you steal or pay for your music downloads?
Steal. Sorry.

63. Do you hate chocolate?
Nah, I don't.

64. What do you and your parents fight about the most?
The way I dress, specifically since I don't believe in wearing jackets.

65. Are you a gullible person?
To an extent.
I prefer to think I like to believe in people, heh.

66. Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy?
Hell to the NAW.

67. If you could have any job (assuming you have the skills) what would it be?
The Pope.
No question.

68. Are you easy to get along with?
Yeah. I guess be a little high energy sometimes.

69. What is your favorite time of day?
Like, two in the afternoon.

That was an abrupt last question. And sorry, some of these questions are misnumbered.

Oh well. I'm out.
An actual entry soon.