Orange peels, covering up my heart

It's odd that my lack of a love life is worth addressing nowadays?

Via conversation with my best friend:

Elle (1:04:34 AM): i must confess something...
Moi(1:04:45 AM): go ahead, my child
Elle(1:04:56 AM): i hate seeing you single
Moi (1:05:01 AM): ?
Elle (1:05:01 AM): please find a bf asap

And that is exactly why we are best friends. How I've missed her and her pow wows.

I should be working, but I gave up hours ago. I wish I could trust myself to nap and wake up at 5/6 to continue.

So less stressed now that LSATs are over. Now I just need to start GRE/fellowship stuff...

Love you long time. Hopefully I can get back to blogging soon. At least over break.
Love you long time.

Julienne cuts in my musculature

I realize I haven't posted in an awful long time.

It's been hella busy around these parts.

LSATs tomorrow. I generally have been content with the idea that I'm going to do horribly and can kiss my application to Columbia goodbye. But then I started reading online-- law school numbers/random forums, and I. Have been stressing.

I really need to get into grad school, take the time to actually prepare for LSATs instead of taking MAYBE five practice tests total. I've got fee waivers that last until '10...enough time.

Trying not to be cynical, but. There's just no way I'm even getting close to the ballpark.

Argh.
I can't even explain my disappointment in myself. And I really don't want the consolation-- I'd rather blame myself, for now.
Argharghargh.

Boy in my pocket, wine on my lips

So, I'm gonna let people into another messy thing I do.

If there's someone who claims to be interested in me in ANY fashion, or who displays signs of such, I try to push them onto someone else.

I'm not entirely sure WHY I do it. Part of it is disinterest, or at least wanting to be disinterested, which is almost the same anyway. Another part goes back to some naive notions I have about feelings-- that if I like someone, being presented with another person won't make me change my direction, no matter how many times I've been spurned. Feelings just don't die that easily-- if they do, then they're probably illusory. I sometimes feel things should be the same for other people.

[EDIT: Actually, on reading that...I'm not so sure I agree with that anymore.]

Either way, it's hella passive aggressive and I need to stop doing that. I did it last night with two guys who were getting a little too...close-- helped them hook up, that is. And I guess it's a good thing-- no more hooking up with randoms. There's just...no point. Only making my dissatisfaction that much more tiresome.

I figure with all the travel deals and political entries, I should make a messy entry about myself.

So, I'm walking back home, looking at my shoes, wondering why I'm such a passive- aggressive idiot, talking to myself about how great it is that I hooked up two people and have no one to come home to. And so I go on with my soliloquy to my audience of one, but then I concluded that at least my new "single&fabulous" lifestyle has actually withstood the test. Studying, food, clothes, money, family/friends-- that's all I'm about right now.

Chang chang, getting paid over here.
I'm still drunk, which is why I believe this entry is so...candid.

The BEST thing about today is that I'm possibly going to get a free trip to the dining hall with some of my good friends from less-cool dorms, and that afterwards I'm gonna be brunching/studying with my new gay BFF.

He's fabulous, I'm fabulous, and his current BFF is neglectful. So I'm moving in.

I am so excited!
[Or at least I can pretend. I actually...want to punch walls and scream about what my life's become.]

GRAH.

Anyone want to go to Iceland?

I bet you wish I was joking.

"it's $699 for everything from November till March for double occupancy and 5 days 4 nights instead of 4/3."

So...week vacation in Iceland with me, anyone? And the Iceland's Krona's down so it's pretty much cheap cheap city. Go while supplies last!

http://www.icelandair.us/offers-and-bookings/book-packages/package/item202501/Winter_Wellness_Getaway_in_Iceland_/

Or...Dominican Republic?
http://www.cheapcaribbean.com/core/specials/specialAvailability-cc-3258.html

Or Puerto Rico?
http://www.cheapcaribbean.com/specialAvailability.jsp?pacID=2675

And this is pretty much what I've been doing all day. Intermittently reading my illegally downloaded LSATs prep books and looking at deals on the forums slickdeals.net.

I even bought an mp3 player-- the exact same model that I bought my mom for her birthday last her. 2gig sansa. I forget what I paid for hers, but it was definitely more than mine-- $25. I mean, goodness...I spend more on alcohol. Why not. Refurbished, but the kids on slickdeals gave it a good review, so it should be safe.

It's nice not to have class.

So yeah, any takers on Iceland?
Let a brother know!

And here I thought...

Most of the major neocons loved Sarah Palin.

" The choice of Sarah Palin was also a mistake. I'm talking here about its political effects, not the sideshow psychodrama of feminist rage and elite loathing that had little to do with politics and everything to do with cultural prejudices, resentments and affectations.

Palin was a mistake ("near suicidal," I wrote on the day of her selection) because she completely undercut McCain's principal case against Obama: his inexperience and unreadiness to lead. And her nomination not only intellectually undermined the readiness argument. It changed the election dynamic by shifting attention, for days on end, to Palin's preparedness, fitness and experience -- and away from Obama's. "

Source: The Campaign Autopsy, by Charles Krauthammer

Perhaps I have been overplaying Palin's popularity.
Oh well. Back to "work."

Sweet land, sore stones

If there's one thing being abroad has done for me, it's given me a love for politics.

Which isn't to say I didn't enjoy politics before I left-- I did. But I only started actively reading political material outside of class after I encountered fairly antiAmerican feeling abroad.

If you'll take a break from the Obama-steria for a minute, I'd like to direct you to an article on Medvedev's state of the nation address today.

Medvedev article.

From the article:

"Mr Medvedev blamed the US for the global financial crisis, saying that the rest of the world had been "dragged down with it into recession". He claimed that the era of American domination after the collapse of the Soviet Union was now over.

'The world cannot be ruled from one capital. Those who do not want to understand this will only create new problems for themselves and others,' he said. "

That's what he thinks.
The unipolar moment has not ended. While Russia will attempt to reestablish its sphere of influence and China will continue to grow, jerkily[I'm waiting for the next food scare], Mevedev's forceful language about Washington's ability to rule the world is unconvincing.

This empire's still got time left. And I think people are gonna be surprised by how much more effective Obama's hand at it is going to be. Dominance with a smiling face, under the guise of US-directed multilaterism.

Curiously, Medvedev didn't mention Obama's victory not once. It partly seems passive agressive, partly imprudent. But I also remember a statement from Medvedev about his dissatisfaction with both candidates, so I suppose we shouldn't be surprised that he failed to mention Obama as the POTUS elect.

I cannot wait to see Obama's appointees.

II.

I think one of the most major barriers to education is knowing where to get it.
Or at least for me.

No matter how much I read DailyKos, MyDD, Powerline, and so forth, I could never catch up to the know-it-alls in my political science classes.

I think I'm getting closer.

Step one: Pundits aren't that important.
They aren't. The aforementioned may be popular, but bloggers have yet to become as influential as guys like William Kristol, Paul Krugman, etc.

Step two: Find stuff?

I'll now share what I'm trying to read.

The Economist.
Bloomberg.
The Weekly Standard.
The Council on Foreign Affairs.

As well as other things like The Drudge Report, The Telegraph, NY Times, Wall Street Journal, and the Washington Post.

Part III?
I kind of want to be a politician, after hearing about some of the voter fraud going on at home.
We'll see.

--

And these are my thoughts on a post-Obama victory day.
I'm at work.
I have a midterm in that blasted anime class today. Hopefully I do well enough to counteract my bad grade on the paper.

Later.

My President...

Obama.

Now let's just hope he doesn't actually govern like a neocon, despite some of his rhetoric.

I tend to think image and prestige matter quite a bit, perhaps even more than policy in some ways, though, so. I am looking forward to being abroad in a year or so and talking to non-Americans, seeing that they can actually respect the power the US wields.

But we'll see.

I need a copy of the Weekly Standard.

"Get your life together. You have twenty-four hours."

The tagline is exactly how I feel.

I was going through facebook and reliving everything that's happened over the past year. In doing so, I guess I started to remember everything I was supposed to be doing this year. My conflicted feelings over where I want to be-- China, Japan, America, Argentina. And I don't feel any closer to knowing than I was months ago.

It also turns out that a boy I tutored in China, Cyrus, is here in Boston! Which is utterly ridiculous. Well, the boy does have loads of money, so I never thought the opportunity would be an issue. But he was supposed to be doing his internship in Shanghai...yet he's already here!

I really have to go see him as soon as possible but Bank of America has refused to post my pay-check deposit so...we'll have to wait. 'Cause, when you meet up with Chinese people in your own country, you have to treat them and stuff...gotta make sure I have my financial situation together.


But back to the confusion. I really need to keep my options open. I really should be making sure my Spanish, Japanese, and Chinese are in as good a shape as they can be...and they're not, because I don't do more than what's required. So I will be studying all day today.

I also need to get to prepping for LSATs. A friend of mine got her results back and they were not good. I've been hiding from them-- hiding from everything, really, but the LSATs are the biggest. GREs are second. I will be downloading a prepbook today.

Luckily it's still early. Maybe I can get some studying done this morning before I have to do my homework.

And boy, is there homework.
--Poli Sci paper
--finish reading Haruki Murakami and making up questions[Japanese]
--prep for & take Chinese [take home] test and read the next short story
--chunks of philosophy reading & discussion board posting
--catch up in reading for my anime class

The last one might be negotiable.

Feeling really motivated, but I know how my brain works-- I'll forget soon.

And...the Velvet Rope is amazing.
Cheers.

Reification & Overtures

I was really trying to put this blog on hiatus. In fact, it was a larger move of taking myself off of the internet altogether-- no more AIM, facebook, what have you.

I ultimately decided against it but...I do want to be online less.

Except for blogging.

Anyway, some things have happened in the past two weeks. The main thing is my constant stock of wine. Nowadays, I just chill around listening to Sylvain Chauveau and Janet Jackson[The Velvet Rope]. Drinking wine, relaxing, being boring. And shopping, of course.

Paycheck this Friday...hallelujah.

Had a slight altercation today with the Chinese department head today. It was hilarious. Over an eMail I sent her.

It is as follows:

Hi,

My name is Steven ******; I'm a senior at Tufts. I'm doing an independent study right now
with Li laoshi, but it's come to my attention that I'm enrolled in your section of the
independent study on SIS. I left a drop form in your box outside your door-- I was
wondering if you could sign your name on the drop section of the form? That way I can fix
everything up on SIS.

Thanks for your time.

Best,
Steven ******
--

She never responds. So I get to her office, just thinking I'll pick up the form and bounce. Instead...I get there and she proceeds to go into lecture mode.

"Why didn't you fill it out?"
"I suppose it slipped my mind. I figured I'd explain everything in the eMail."

And then she replied with some nonsense about how wrong I was for not filling it out beforehand. Fine, woman, sorry.

But then she's apparently not done-- the tone of my eMail was improper conduct. Um, what?

"As a student in an advanced level Chinese class, you should really know this sort of thing regarding Chinese culture-- you don't address a professor with 'Hi', much less once you've never met. Don't think I'm singling you out-- I had to do this with someone else the other day. But it's really disrespectful to do that...do you understand what I mean?"
"Sure. I apologize for the disrespectful tone of my eMail."
"No, you don't really get it-- it's about Chinese culture, blah blah blah."

CHICK, WHAT?

I just wanted to laugh in her face.
She was trying it. I really didn't have time for her bullshit-- I planned on just picking up the drop form, running to work. Instead...she kept me for ten minutes and made me late to admonish me on my inadequate understanding of Chinese culture.

I really couldn't believe it. For one, we've met before, albeit briefly. Two, I've eMailed professors with "Hi" before, including professors I'd yet to meet. This is the first time I've been told how grand a show of disrespect it is.

Or perhaps it's that "you don't interact with Chinese professors that way" BS.

Then she disbelieved that I was taking the Chinese class with Li laoshi, that she didn't think I was actually registered in her own section in the first place, and just unnecessary acrobatics.

I was this close to dismissing her immediately. And when I say "this", I'm pinching my index finger and my thumb together very close.

So she eventually signed my form-- I said a quick thank you and shut her door.
If I ever see that woman, it will be too soon.

Unnecessary bullshit.
--

Otherwise, things have been great.
I just made quesadillas.
And now I might try to study.

Deuces.

Clutching at my lapels, singing in my soprano

Hey hey.

So apparently there's a power outage on campus.
Glad I decided to come to Jersey this weekend.

What did I do...

Well, I came home with my boss and his friend. It was...an entertaining bus ride. Then I went to the mall, chilled with my mom. Went home after we ate. Went out with Summer, Nakeefa, their partners, and Nakeefa's friend Matt.

Needless to say, I almost felt a little out of place, being single. Matt doesn't count; he's more like furniture. Anyway, we went to two bars. I wasn't carded. Talk about a let-down! All this time trying to get to 21...and I don't even get carded.

Afterward, we went to a house party that my boss invited me to. It was interesting. I wound up getting home around four.

This is Saturday.
Sunday, I go shopping. Saturday night, I apparently called a number of people-- Donald, Paul, and most interestingly of all: Jeremy. I sort of remember doing it-- I get really weak and lonely when I'm excessively drunk.

So, Jeremy got back to me yesterday. We went out shopping.

It was very simple. I was feeling awkward and trying to talk less than usual-- limited success.

This is going to be somewhat embarrassing, even moreso out of pocket, and if there were ever anything like honesty in excess, this would be it.

But. I don't like leaving important things unsaid.

It took a lot of resolve not to allow my voice to crack in his living room.

I'm unsure of what exactly my motives were-- on some level, I do think forgiveness is important. I've forgiven him insofar as I had no desire to punch him in the throat or to do something equally vicious. But I don't think I ever did-- the only violence I ever engage in is violence that hurts me. That's why I hit the door instead of the wall: because I knew the door wouldn't break.

But I should be honest with myself-- forgiveness isn't my only motivation. The other part's egoism-- that he'll say more than he already has, that he'll say that I was worth more than that, that he'll say that we should pretend it never happened, that he'll say that he missed me, just to give me the option. just to give me the option.

I suspect these are all things that he either can't or won't do.

And so I stumbled upon one of his eMails today-- actually stumbled; it wasn't intentional at all. And it was really...moving.

So, in other words: no, I'm not really okay. I still have a lot of trouble eating-- I realized this with Pablo, but when I have feelings for a guy who doesn't reciprocate, I get disgusted to with myself to the point of nausea. I guess for most people it's the converse-- girls pigging out on ice cream, what have you. I thought I'd be all better in six days, along with my hand, but it's clear that I'm actually not. I can still put on my game face, but as long as I have time to reflect, to be alone, to think-- I'll still wind up going over could have beens, would have beens, should have beens. And I realize that I shouldn't get into a rebound relationship, but otherwise, it's just me and my thoughts. Me and my thoughts.

In other words, being twenty-one sucks. Holden Caulfield had it all right.

And the messiest blog post of the year award goes to...me.
Time for a distraction. I guess that means more shopping. Or another book.

Coincidentally, I finished Water for Elephants, which was surprisingly good. Reading Age of Aquarius now. I'll give more substantial reviews later.

Let me sign off before I start embarrassing myself again.
Deuces.

Punch, I might spike it...

So, in case it wasn't obvious: I am a hot mess.

It's great to be home.

Monsieur Profligate

I'm going to be 21 in about 10 minutes.

Oh, my favorite day of the year. My birthday. October 7th.

I don't know if I want to celebrate it. I suppose this past week or two has just been really overwhelming for me. And I've been trying to be cool about everything but...

I wish I just had a minute to breathe.

Inadequate since 1987. But I'm working on it.
Happy 21st,
Steven.

In lieu of real discussion...

...I thought we should discuss this photo.




The article on Beyonce's immense skill follows.

http://www.hiphoproll.com/kanye-west-finally-beats-beyonce-at-connect-4/

From the article:

Apparently Beyonce is quite the champion at the game Connect 4. Kanye West on the other hand always wants to be the champion. So they played over and over again until he finally won. The game that lasted nine rounds before Beyonce eventually folded.

I'm surprised he didn't throw a tantrum and rip out Bee's extensions.

Anyway. Discuss.
Who among you can beat Beyonce at Connect Four?

Pocketbook video

This is low-quality and there's no video, but here's Pocketbook:



Too bad everyone on Youtube thinks it's lame. =(

The Crimson King

So, I have a new computer. And since I am addicted to computers, getting a new one is like being reincarnated.

Just went out, put a computer on my debit...so nice to have money.

WIRELESS. Playing DVDs without major jerk. Downside is Vista, though.

So, the deal is: yesterday morning, my slightly tipsy ass is waking up. I sleep with my laptop in my bed next to me. I stretch as I wake up; my computer crashes off of the bed.

So, I take it for a free checkup, and the hard drive is dead. Good thing I actually backed most of this one up. Ugh. So, I'll be needing to get a new hard drive. The guy was offering to do everything for around $200, but I figure I can just get a hard drive for ~$100 and install it on my own. Then I just need to find a copy of XP/Vista lying around. Or maybe I'll finally move to Linux. OSX seems fun to pirate, too.

Anyway, I decided it'd be smarter at this point to just get a new computer. I spent around ~$500. This is officially me moving to baller status. Haha. I love being employed.

ALSO!?

Pocketbook from Jennifer Hudson is AMAZING. The beat, the voice, the dramatics...it is giving me record level dramatics. Even with Beyonce's album, it took me a long while to warm up. Whereas, as soon as I heard the first twenty seconds of Pocketbook, I put it on repeat.

I don't remember being this excited about fagging out to an album in so long. Excuse my language but...what else do you call it? Like, I'd almost go get some skinny jeans, a pocket book, some shades, and some lip gloss and start dropping to the floor in my room to this type of song...almost.

Almost.

See, what I also love about her album is that she can give me more soulful songs like "Spotlight" but still can give me a lot of pop with this.

I am officially all over Jennifer Hudson. I'm way too excited right now.

So excited, in fact, that I might need to go shopping today. Homework can wait.
[Also, sadly, I saw like half of those shoes I posted in Aldo? Well, lookalikes, but still.Now, most of them are no longer viable, especially with the prices they were asking.]

"Don't make me hit you with my pocketbook..."

Cheers and good morning, my lovelies.

Lip liner on my smile lines

There's so much else to discuss.

For example, I just read two books from Harry Frankfurt, a contemporary philosopher. The two books are On Bullshit and On Truth, both of which are great books. But I loved On Truth. If/when I get my own place and finally establish my library...I will definitely have some Harry Frankfurt books in it.

They're both very short, very small books-- 100 pages each, but probably about fifty pages in a regular sized book. Both very interesting.

Before I return them to avoid the late fees, I'll post some passages I really liked:

"Spinoza maintained that regardless of whether we enjoy, feel comfortable with, or cherish the species of rationality that is at issue here, that kind of rationality will be imposed on us. Whether we like it or not, we really cannot help submitting to it. We are driven to do so, as Spinoza understood the matter, by love.
Spinoza explained the nature of love as follows:'Love is nothing but Joy with the accompanying idea of an external cause'(Ethics, part III, proposition 13, scholium). As for the meaning of 'joy', he stipulated that it is 'what follows that passion by which the...[individual] passes to a greater perfection.'"

"Joy, as I think [Spinoza] understands it, is a feeling of the enlargement of one's power to live, and to continue living, in accord with one's most authentic nature...Spinoza believed it follows from this that people cannot help loving truth. They cannot help doing so, he thought, because they cannot help recognizing that truth is indispensable in enabling them to stay alive, to understand themselves, and to live fully in accord with their own natures."

He also goes on about lying and Kantian ideas on it-- essentially that it destroys society by taking away all value from social discourse. But as Frankfurt points out, some people do actually enjoy the promotion of bullshit.

And in understanding bullshit, it's best to read On Bullshit. He really goes into it-- that's it not quite lying or telling the truth. Bullshit is the greatest enemy of truth because speakers who bullshit have no concern for whether what they say is true or not-- the truth value of their statements are of no importance. The bullshitter and liar mislead about completely different things: while the liar misleads about the content of what [s]he's saying, [s]he also simultaneously acknowledges that they have an idea of what the truth is. Bullshitters, meanwhile, acknowledge no difference, and if they do, don't care one way or the other.

The bullshitter misleads in that [s]he pretends to care about whether or not the information is true or not.

Very good books. I recommend.

Also, my suitemate Bobo gave me two beautiful children's books from the bestselling series The Astonishing Life of Octavian Nothing. She got them from work. So exciting! And hardcover, too. Thanks, Bobo! =)

I also wanted to talk about the VP debate, but perhaps that'll be for next time.

Later.

Mighty Mothers from Berkshire

I've been playing "Let's get lifted" from John Legend on repeat for a minute.

Let's see, let's see. What's been up? A few things, I guess.

Hand definitely not broken. Thank goodness. In fact, I think I intended it, in some way, to be an analogy to my heart...when my fist heals, the heart will follow. Maybe? If only.

That seemed a lot less cheesy in my head.

Anyway, most of the swelling is already down and I can clench my fist now and put my hand into my pocket without feeling too much pain. Give it a few more days, I suppose.

I've been trying to keep myself busy and keep moving, and most importantly keep myself from being alone in my room. I'd just let myself fall into this self-pitying sense of grief and not get anything done.

And what I need to do is just move, move, move.

So. I had my paper due yesterday. Saw my Japanese advisor for a few minutes, since I had class/work. She left today and I didn't even get to say goodbye. Unfortunately.

My Thai friend from Japan is apparently in NY and won't be in Boston until Monday, which was majorly disappointing! This girl and I were great friends, so it'll be nice to see her again.

Bigger news!

I think I mentioned the MOCAA job that I applied for-- they called me in for an interview on Wednesday, which was held this morning. Got the job. And apparently I'm getting paid even more than I expected because of my experience, I guess-- instead of $12 an hour, it's $15.

...Do you know how much clothes I can buy with that kind of money!?

So, I'm walking back from the interview to the train station, holding my eyes from the sun, trying to figure out if my excitement was overpowering my broken-heart or what. All the while, doing the math.

[MOCAA]15 x 12 + [Tufts Financial Aid]8.5 x 7 = 180+59.5 = 239.5 a week. Well...taxes I guess, but whatever. And apparently MOCAA's gonna pay me on a stipend for three months until I'm done with my trial period, so. No taxes for that.

Yeah, y'all can be privy to my measly part-time income details, I guess.

Anyway, so many clothes, shoes, coats...all these material things I can use to distract me.

I also took out a lot of books from the library. Hopefully I can read them all.

I've got:

-Water for Elephants
-Lord of the Flies
-The Fountainhead
-Age of Aquarius

And then two books on managing nonprofits, just because.

What else. Today was the career fair here at Tufts, which I went to. Lot of engineering jobs...eh. I did connect with this woman from the Department of State about foreign service, and she wanted me to email her about grad school fellowships. Definitely interested in going to grad school for free, haha.

Just got back from dinner with some kids who went to China. It was a lot of fun-- I miss China so much that I guess anything that reminds me of that time is cool. Most of the kids I was with went on different programs, though, so I was meeting them for the first time. We had Sichuan style food[Sichuan is where the earthquake was...if that helps], which is notoriously spicy. Wasn't that bad, though.

I can't decide if I want to go out tonight. I can already tell I won't enjoy it but I also feel as if drinking would really help right about now.

It's either that or I read/study. On a Friday night. Could happen.

Tomorrow, I think I'll go to Newbury St., I invited my suite mates. Time to splurge.

Nothing like clothes.
Gotta move, move, move, MOVE.

And...new song. "Everything's just wonderful", Lily Allen.

Later.

Punctuated totalitarian junkies

What an odd title. "Punctuated" is from punctuated equilibrium, which is a concept we cover in my Biology & Humanity class. I definitely take too many bio/philosophy classes.

Totalitarian...well. My political science seminar is about neoconservatives and foreign policy and I've been drowning in Kristol's anti-totalitarian stuff for the past two days or so for my paper.

Junkie is the title of a book from William S. Burroughs, one of my favorite writers of all time.[Marcel Proust and James Baldwin are also up there...obviously. Go gay men.]

So, anyway.

My boss has had me running back and forth for the past three hours. Now I can finally sit and chill for a bit. So what do I do with this free time?

Work on my paper would be the answer you'd make if you knew nothing about me at all. Instead, I've been looking at shoes.

I think I want people's opinions...so don't be shy.
--

I like these but I can't tell if they're too much/cartoon-ish/whatever.



Same for these.





And then there are these, which are relatively cheap, I guess($70):





These are my favorite-- I love bent-toe shoes.



--

I figured I would go about changing my wardrobe in parts-- first shirts, then pants, then blazers. And then everything else-- belts, shoes, socks, cuff links. You know.

Well, I've got about six dress shirts. Maybe four sweaters that I'd actually wear. About two-three pairs of pants that I like. Two blazers. One belt but...it'll manage.

Anyway, not exactly where I want to be on the first front, but getting there!

So next is definitely shoes. And considering the only things I have are...this rundown pair from back in HS? I think that's my new project.

I don't even have sneakers that aren't at least two years old or so. A sad state of affairs, this is!

Since I don't see myself replacing my phone any time soon[well, unless I get that second job at MOCAA...since that would more than double my income], I might as well divide my earnings between shoes and my credit card bill.

Cheers.

RE: An older promise.

I said I would try to get my hands on a essay from an ethical theory class that I read, rebuking[is that the word?] moral egoism and whatnot.

Got my friend Briane to send it to me, since she's in the class.

Stocker_TheSchizophreniaOfModernEthicalTheories.pdf


There it is. I promise it's not porn.

I hope this isn't too illegal.
Cheers.

YOWZA!

I just hurt my hand by punching the door.

Fuck.
Excuse my French.

I'm so fucking trite.

EDIT: Twice.
Let's see if I can break my hand.

EDIT: Three.
Anybody got any pain killers? Haha.

I now have an empty picture frame and no picture to put in it. Maybe mine.

In other news, I am incredibly glad I only have my poli sci seminar paper due Thursday, my advisor from Japan coming tomorrow, and an old friend also from Japan, coming Thursday.

If I were actually scheduled to take my LSATs, I'd probably bomb. And why did I punch a solid door with my writing hand?

Stupid, hilariously naive me. If I knew I was going to be upset, I wouldn't have had that sandwich.

I always feel like vomiting when I'm upset. Here's to holding it down!

[Alright...no more edits.]

A week from grace.

My birthday is in a week.
I've been toying with the idea of taking my birthday off of facebook-- I don't want to sort through the birthday messages.

Nine years from thirty...

So, I've got papers upon papers upon papers this week and the following week. I didn't register for the LSATs or the JLPT on time, which were both major errors on my part.

There's a school trip to Ghana that I think I want to apply for. I mean...while I can get financial assistance? Why not?

I'm out of things to say.

EDIT: And then I read the Ghana application and realized they wanted a completed letter of recommendation by the deadline.[Today, coincidentally]

I'm really dropping the ball, these days.

I'm no Nietzche.

So, I teared up today. It was the first time in about two years that I've come close to crying.

Actually, I teared up a little in leaving Okayama. So I guess it hasn't been that long.

That's all.

Another old face in the gayborhood...

BREAKING NEWS: Clay Aiken, of American Idol fame, is GAY!

Color me surprised and shocked!

More at seven. Back to you, Jim.

While I'm at it...

I thought I would post something from a philosophy seminar I'm taking this semester.

In a reading last week, we covered Galen Strawson's Basic Argument:

1. We do what we do, in a given situation, because we are what we are.
2. In order to be ultimately responsible for what we do, we have to be ultimately responsible for what we are — at least in certain crucial mental respects.
3. But we cannot, as the first point avers, be ultimately responsible for what we are, because, simply, we are what we are; we cannot be causa sui.
4. Therefore, we cannot be ultimately responsible for what we do.

Ultimately, I wound up having to capitulate. At least until I find a working solution.

Just thought I'd throw this out there, since I don't think any of my readers philosophize regularly.

Cheers.

A Lesson in Irresponsibility

So, instead of reading or studying for LSATs, I watched a Devil Wears Prada on recommendation from my baby, Jeremy.

Normally I don't take movies seriously-- normally, I don't watch movies period. But why not take it seriously? Why not take everything seriously?

Anyway, good movie-- not something I'd consider a favorite, but fun to watch. By the end, I thought the movie repudiated what Miranda stood for-- or not repudiated, perhaps, but at least made clear that there were concessions she'd made for her fabulous life. A life without love, without knowing how to be altruistic or to ever do anything without expecting something in return.

I almost wanted to go into a "what is love?" shpiel, but I forgot that I don't believe in it.

I immediately thought of Atlas Shrugged after I finished the movie. AS is definitely one of my favorite books of all time, if not my favorite, but I don't know that I find Randian characters to be ethical.

I talked about the movie with Jeremy afterward, who disagreed with...more or less everything I thought about the movie, I think.

Perhaps I'm wrong. I want to try out this little experiment.

A life of no-nonsense, of very little patience, of a lack of compassion to everyone who hasn't broken their backs to earn it.

I suspect at the end of the day, I'll be dissatisfied-- that this lifestyle isn't categorically valid, but...let's pretend I'm going to test this unbiasedly.

I'm pretty sure I read some things trashing this type of egoism in an ethical theory class. I should look those up again.

Cheers.

Incorrigible Implants.

Woah, it's been a doozy.

Hello, family. Another post, haphazardly posted from my room.

I'm back at Tufts. It's been over two weeks, in fact.

I had this entry planned about how hellish Friday was-- or perhaps more bizarre than hellish-- but that was all on the condition that Friday was the 13th. My computer's set to Japanese time so I was sure that the day's worth of frustration was due to it being Friday the 13th, but Jeremy tactfully informed me that it wasn't. Now my Friday the 13th post is ruined and I'm not sure my petty, bourgeois annoyances are even worth relating.

I can talk about Revolutionary Road. To be honest, the book has a great beginning and a great end, but the middle sort of dragged for me-- though I figured it would be this way. I still really adored the book; Yates has a great way with language and crafting pathetic but sympathetic characters that's really engaging.[Did I just write that sentence?] But I guess one thing I did notice is that unlike James Baldwin or Haruki Murakami, Richard Yates doesn't really inspire me to write. He just leaves me feeling kind of sad, I guess.

I do recommend this book. It's essentially about a married couple in the 1950s, idealistic and flawed and unsatisfied, and all the foibles they have as parents and people and everything. A couple who shouldn't be married, who shouldn't live where they live, who shouldn't have children, who shouldn't have the friends they have. Perfectly dysfunctional.

I don't know how to go further without spoiling the book, but the book is moving: the husband is such a manipulative, self-satisfied sort of man and the wife is...more complicated. I feel bad for her at times, that she's a little too confused to know what she's doing. And there are sexist overtones at points in the book-- read at your own risk.

Some quotes:

Cute exchanges like this:

"I happen to be very annoyed with Maureen at the moment,"she was saying. "This vacation mix-up is only the latest in a long line of foolishness, but that's beside the point. The main thing--" and here she looked at him keenly--"The important thing, is that I'm very deeply concerned about her too. I've known her a good deal longer and I believe I know her better than you do, Mr. Wheeler. She's a very young, very insecure, very sweet kid, and she's gone through a lot of hell in the past few years. Right now she needs guidance and she needs friendship. On the face of it-- and I hope you'll forgive my speaking plainly-- on the face of it, the one thing she definitely does not need is to get involved in a pointless affair with a married man. Mind you, I'm not-- please don't interrupt. I'm not interested in moralizing. I'd much rather feel that you and I can discuss this thing as civilized adults. But I'm afraid I must begin with an awkward question. Maureen appears to be under the impression that you're in love with her. Is this true?"
The answer was so classically simple that the framing of it filled him with pleasure. "I'm afraid I don't think that's any of your business."
She leaned back and smiled at him in a canny, speculative way, letting little curls of smoke dribble out of her nostrils, picking a flake of cigarette paper from her lip with the lacquered nails of little-finger and thumb. He was reminded of Bart Pollock at lunch saying, "Let me see how good a judge of character I am," and he wanted to reach across the table and strangle her.
"I think I like you, Frank," she said at last. "May I call you that? I think I even like your way of getting angry; it shows integrity." She came forward again, took a coquettish sip of her drink, and propped one elbow on the table. "Oh, look, Frank," she said. "Let's try to understand each other. I think you're possibly a very nice, serious boy with a nice wife and a couple of nice kids out there in Connecticut, and I think possibly all that's happened here is that you've gone and gotten yourself involved in a very human, very understandable situation. Doesn't that about sum it up?"
"No," he said. "It doesn't even come close. Now I'll try, okay?"
"Okay."
"Okay. I think you're a meddling, tiresome woman, possibly a latent lesbian, and very definitely"-- he laid a dollar bill on the table--"very definitely a pain in the ass. Have a nice vacation."
--
Fights like this:

[Frank and April, on why she's been in sleeping in the living room]
"All right," she said, backing away another step. "It's because I don't love you. How's that?"
Luckily the bland psychiatrist's smile was still on his face; it saved him from taking her seriously. "That isn't much of an answer," he said kindly. "I wonder what you really feel. I wonder if what you're really doing here isn't sort of trying to evade everything until you're-- well, until you're in analysis. Sort of trying to resign from personal responsibility between now and the time you begin your treatment. Do you suppose that might be it?"
"No." She had turned away from him. "Oh, I don't know; yes. Whatever you like. Put it whichever way makes you feel the most comfortable."
"Well," he said, "it's hardly a question of making me comfortable. All I'm saying is that life does have to go on, analysis or not. Hell, I know you're having a bad time just now; it has been a tough summer. The point is we've both been under a strain, and we ought to be trying to help each other as much as we can. I mean God knows my own behavior has been pretty weird lately; matter of fact I've been thinking it might be a good idea for me to see the headshrinker myself. Actually--" he turned and stood looking out the window, tightening his jaw. "Actually, one of the reasons I've been hoping we could get together again is because there's something I'd like to tell you about: something kind of-- well, kind of neurotic and irrational that happened to me a few weeks ago."
And almost, if not quite, before he knew what his voice was up to, he was telling her about Maureen Grube. He did it with automatic artfulness, identifying her only as "a girl in New York, a girl I hardly even know," rather than as a typist at the office, careful to stress that there had been no emotional involvement on his part while managing to imply that her need for him had been deep and ungovernable. His voice, soft and strong with an occasional husky falter or hesitation that only enhanced its rhythm, combined the power of confession with the narrative grace of romantic storytelling.
"And I think the main thing was simply a case of feeling that my-- well, that my masculinity'd been threatened somehow by all that abortion business; wanting to prove something; I don't know. Anyway, I broke it off last week; the whole stupid business. It's over now; really over. If I weren't sure of that I guess I could never've brought myself to tell you about it."
For half a minute, the only sound in the room was the music on the radio.
"Why did you?" she asked.
He shook his head, still looking out the window. "Baby, I don't know. I've tried to explain it to you; I'm still trying to explain it to myself. That's what I meant about it being a neurotic, irrational kind of thing. I--"
"No," she said. "I don't mean why did you have the girl; I mean why did you tell me about it? What's the point? Is it supposed to make me jealous, or something? Is it supposed to make me fall in love with you, or back into bed with you, or what? I mean what am I supposed to say?"
He looked at her, feeling his face blush and twitch into an embarrassed simper that he tried, unsuccessfully, to make over into the psychiatric smile. "Why don't you say what you feel?"
She seemed to think this over a few seconds and then she shrugged. "I have. I don't feel anything.
"In other words you don't care what I do or who I go to bed with or anything. Right?"
"No, I guess that's right. I don't."
"But I want you to care!"
"I know you do. And I suppose I would if I loved you; but you see I don't. I don't love you and I never really have, and I never really figured it out until this week, and that's why I'd just as soon not do any talking right now. Do you see?" She picked up a dust cloth and went into the living room, a tired, competent housewife with chores to do.
"And listen to this," said an urgent voice on the radio."Now, during the big Fall Clearance, you'll find Robert Hall's entire stock of men's walk shorts and sport jeans drastically reduced!"
Standing foursquare and staring down at his untouched glass of iced tea on the table, he felt his head fill with such a dense morass of confusion that only one consecutive line of thought came through: an abrupt remembrance of what Sunday this was, which explained why the kids were over at the Campbells', and which also meant there wasn't much time left for talking.
"Oh, now listen," he said, wheeling and following her into the living room with decisive, headlong strides. "You just put down that God damn rag a minute and listen. Listen to me. In the first place, you know God damn well you love me."
--

And then fights like this:

"Oh," she said. "Oh, Frank, you really are a wonderful talker. If black could be made into white by talking, you'd be the man for the job. So now I'm crazy because I don't love you-- right? Is that the point?"
"No. Wrong. You're not crazy, and you do love me; that's the point."
She got to her feet and backed away from him, her eyes flashing. "But I don't," she said. "In fact, I loathe the sight of you. In fact if you come any closer, if you touch me or anything I think I'll scream."
Then he did touch her, saying, "Oh baby, lis--" and she did scream.
It was plainly a false scream, done while she looked coldly into his eyes, but it was high, shrill, and loud enough to shake the house. When the noise of it was over, he said:
"God damn you. God damn all your snotty, hateful little-- Come here, God damn it--"
She switched nimbly past him and pulled a straight chair around to block his path; he grabbed it and slung it against the wall and once of its legs broke off.
"And what're you going to do now?" she taunted him. "Are you going to hit me? To show how much you love me?"
"No." All at once he felt massively strong. "Oh, no. Don't worry. I couldn't be bothered. You're not worth the trouble it'd take to hit you. You're not worth the power it'd take to blow you up. You're an empty--" He was aware, as his voice filled out, of a sense of luxurious freedom because the children weren't here. Nobody was here, and nobody was coming; they had this whole reverberating house to themselves. "You're an empty, hollow fucking shell of a woman..." It was the first opportunity for a wide-open, all-out fight they'd had in months, and he made the most of it, stalking and circling her as he shouted, trembling and gasping for breath. "What the hell are you living in my house for, if you hate me so much? Huh? Will you answer that? What the hell are you carrying my child for?" like John Givings, he pointed at her belly. "Why the hell didn't you get rid of it, when you had the chance? Because listen. Listen. I got news for you." The great pressure that began to be eased inside him now, as he slowly and quietly intoned his next words, made it seem that this was a cleaner breakthrough into truth than any he had ever made before:"I wish to God you'd done it."
--

And sexist exchanges like these..
...
"Oh, Frank. Can you really think artists and writers are the only people entitled to lives of their own? Listen: I don't care if it takes you five years of doing nothing at all; I don't care if you decide after five years that what you really want is to be a bricklayer or a mechanic or a merchant seaman. Don't you see what I'm saying? It's got nothing to do with definite, measurable talents-- it's your very essence that's being stifled here. it's what you are that's being denied and denied in this kind of life."
"And what's that?" For the first time he allowed himself to look at her-- not only to look but to put down his glass and take hold of her leg, and she covered and pressed his hand with both of her own.
"Oh, don't you know?" She brought his hand gently up her hip and around to the flat of her abdomen where she pressed it close again. "Don't you know? You're the most valuable and wonderful thing in the world . You're a man."
And of all the capitulations in his life, this was the one that seemed most like a victory. Never before had elation welled more powerfully inside him; never had beauty grown more purely out of truth; never in taking his wife had he triumphed more completely over time and space. The past could dissolve at his will and so could the future; so could the walls of this house and the whole imprisoning wasteland beyond it, towns and trees. He had taken command of the universe because he was a man, and because the marvelous creature who opened and moved for him, tender and strong, was a woman.
--

In other news...
I'd like to think it's my strep throat but I've been feeling really aggressive lately-- argumentative, angry, wanting to hurt people's feelings. I've been feeling a sort of obnoxious sense of self-pity-- that kids at this school don't deserve my kindness, that I've been playing with kid gloves a little too long, that I should really be more callous.

I think I just need some more down time. I think I'll be better in the morning.

Cheers.

This just in: bodybuilders from Uranus are CRAZY

I'm running for dictator of Asia.



Vote for me.

I'm also really awesome with chopsticks.



[Yes...this post is really about nothing.]
Meeting Perris in a minute.
Sort of feeling angry and in charge. I'm really taking this reinvention of myself seriously. Starting with clothes at first.
Part of me wonders if this is because of Jeremy, if I actually want to *be* him. I talked about wearing suits and stuff before but I'm definitely moving faster because of him.
I want this cute suit from Zara[I saw it in Japan, actually, but I decided to get my 5351 suit instead, pictured in the first photo]and I want a Blackberry. I will be getting both. Just don't know when.
I cannot WAIT to get a job. I'm tired of being poor.

I suppose I'm making my transition back into a fashion queer? Whatever. Either I'm splurging on this or I'm getting new tech gadgests/a new computer. Consumption's consumption.

Sorry, another substance-less post again. I'll write real prose soon-- PROMISE.

Cheers.

Debunking creationism, in Croatian

I need to move out.
And I'm tired of being gay, at the moment.

That's a good way to start.

Hey y'all. This is my delayed coming back to America post. I'm sort of pressed for time at the moment-- Jersey City Pride soon and whatnot, but I figured I should make a few bullets on what post-Japan's been like.

Flew into JFK in NY last Tuesday. I suppose it's been over a week now.
Jetlag was horrible. Took me a long time to get over it.
I haven't been up to much. Reading. Not studying for LSATs.
Went to Bookoff in NYC, finally-- a second-hand Japanese bookstore. Picked up some comic books.
Have been hanging out with my bicurious and cute galpals, Genna and Kazumi.

I was seeing them quite a bit last week. Went with them to a gay club, Rush. Didn't really enjoy it. Either I needed to be drunker or something else, but. I guess in general I feel really disconnected from club kids.

I had this plan, which I don't think I wrote in my blog, after my experience in China and Japan. That I would be more antisocial, less hopeful-- and by less hopeful, I don't mean that in any actual sense, I guess. I suppose what I mean is that instead of a sort of wide-eyed and expectant attitude, praying with every breath that I'll meet someone great, not necessarily someone I'm romantically interested in, but great nonetheless. Instead of having that sort of attitude, I would just...live, doing things that I do, sticking with my routine, work, work, work.

So, I guess not really antisocial at all.

Anyway, after the club, I met Jeremy, who's interesting. We're friends, who have hooked up a few times? I don't really know what to call it. He says 'friends', I say 'friends' for lack of a better term. I'm not really good with this sort of thing-- I didn't even realize that dating and being someone's boy/girlfriend weren't the same until...maybe two or three years ago?

I also met Steven yesterday, and a bunch of his friends. Pretty interesting. I'm pretty sure I came off boring, though. Sorry! Haha.

Also went to the pier on Christopher Street for the first time. Was pretty interesting.

"Interesting" is an adjective I like, nowadays.

I suppose I should shower. I'll try to come back and write something with a little substance later.
Later.

Red soil, blue skies.

Thanks to a kick from Colton, I'm writing a short post.

Sorry I've been MIA. I haven't really had an internet connection for a while. Just flew back into NY about a few hours ago. Looooong flight.

I'll try to write something later. I'm tired and jet-lagged.

Later.

Humble Bees and Daisy Kisses.

So...

I just got anally raped by my Kanji and Grammar finals. Wow.

I...don't know if I'll get those As this semester.
Ugh. It's all up to prayer now.



Listen to Disturbia with me. Don't know why I'm liking this song suddenly.

Probably gonna read more 1984. I'll go to the library and work on my paper in a bit.
At least I'm pretty much done with my Japanese classes now. From here on out, it's mainly papers.

Also, here's a story on our "schizophrenic" Axis of Evil policy. Found it interesting.
Here.

Be back later.

ETA: The forces at work on youtube are quite fast. New video since the one I originally posted has been taken down.

Milking neutrinos from a dead dwarf star.

This is shameful, but I've started listening to Mindless Self Indulgence again.

I found about them from my carpool, back in high school. At first I hated them but after listening to them for a good two years or so, my brain was poisoned.

The FGWSS album from 1999 is the most familiar to me. Golden I might be my favorite song. "Holy Shit" is also pretty good, I think.

Here's a fan video for "Golden I" if you want to give it a listen.

Yeah, I pirated all their albums. Don't judge me too harshly-- I still have no intention of going to any of their concerts.

Also. I saw this video a while back and thought it was funny. Excuse my blasphemy; I'm sort of on strike from Catholicism at the moment.



Maybe the key to being a consistent blogger is just using a lot of youtube. I've discovered Meghan's secret!

Alright, I really need to do some work now.

So far, it's:

--Memorize my speech for tomorrow
--Do my Japanese exam review packet for tomorrow
--Study for Kanji Final[Wednesday]
--Study for Grammar Final[Wednesday]
--Write my paper on Zen Ethical Theory by Friday...in Japanese
--Write a paper on Kafka on the Shore[Before Semester Ends]
--Write a paper on a Japanese Experience class, or something[Before Semester Ends]
--Turn in all my essays[Before semester ends]

Uhhhh. I guess it's all mainly busy work but a paper on Zen ethics? Like, a serious philosophy paper, in Japanese? I'm unsure of what it's supposed to look like, but I think he said something like a preliminary rough draft would be about 5 pages? But the actual research students here have to write 10 page papers. Do I...really have to write a ten page paper in Japanese on comparative ethics?

Uhhhh. I never should have tried to be an overachiever and sign up for this optional Japanese philosophy thing. Hopefully I don't bomb too badly.

I should get back to work now.

Dreaming of teacups, in yesteryear

Some quotes that I like:

"Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody." -- Catcher in the Rye.

I never reread anything, but I have the strangest desire to reread Catcher in the Rye. When I read it, around age 13 in my summer before high school, I thought Holden was such a neurotic dick. Even though he did remind me of myself and some of my friends, he wasn't a character I particularly wanted to read about.

I think I would feel differently about it now. It also makes me want to reread Franny and Zoey, which I don't think I ever finished? I did love the pretentiousness of it all, though.

Another quote:

"If a little dreaming is dangerous, the cure for it is not to dream less but to dream more, to dream all the time. " -- A Remembrance of Things Past, Volume II.

I forgot how much I adore Marcel Proust. He's also on my list of rereads.

I'll add a few more. Scan if you can; read if you might.

"But, when nothing subsists from a distant past, after the death of others, after the destruction of objects, only the senses of smell and taste, weaker but more enduring, more intangible, more persistent, more faithful, continue for a long time, like souls, to remember, to wait, to hope, on the ruins of all the rest, to bring without flinching, on their nearly impalpable droplet, the immense edifice of memory."

"Society people are often myopic; at the moment when the cease all relations with Jewish ladies of their acquaintance, as they wonder how to fill the void, they notice, pushed among them as if by a stormy night, a new lady, who is also Jewish; but thanks to her newness, she is not associated in their minds, as were the earlier ladies, with what they believe they must detest. she does not demand that they respect her God. She is adopted. It was not a question of antisemitism when I first started to go to Odette’s."

"There is probably not one person, however great his virtue, who cannot be led by the complexities of life’s circumstances to a familiarity with the vices he condemns the most vehemently—without his completely recognizing this vice which, disguised as certain events, touches him and wounds him: strange words, an inexplicable attitude, on a given night, of the person whom he otherwise has so many reasons to love."

"Let us leave pretty women to men devoid of imagination."

All from A Remembrance of Things Past. Other quotes may be found here.

And he's Queer? Amazing. Proust has this amazing way of taking everything that I like about Old world writing and doing it so incredibly well. He makes me want to be a novelist.

In other news, I've been feeling this change come on for a while-- I was talking to Irene about it earlier. That I'm slowing down, getting a little less excited? I keep seeing myself in tea shops, wearing sweaters, screaming less and adventuring even less so.

In other words, I am feeling heartbroken in a number of ways, melancholy, and literary. The last one is a good thing-- I always think I'm a better writer when I'm a little sad.

Still reading 1984. And I really need to start studying for finals.

Wish me luck.

Air, Brain and Physical Conditioning.

I was looking back at my first entry and I think I wanted this blog to be a little more issue oriented. Maybe I'll try that.

I was reading the news for the past hour or so, enjoying my Saturday hangover.[Perhaps I'll talk about last night at some point] Normally, I just go onto google news every now and then and try to randomly read articles but I went to specific sites today.

I don't know why I thought I would like the Huffington Post. It seems creative, interesting, hip and young-- I should be a good fit. But I was reading a few articles for about a half hour and many of the arguments were utterly unconvincing. I couldn't help tearing them apart in my head. It's also a tad too liberal for my tastes.

I am starting to like BBC, though-- I think they have a good, critical way of reporting. Perhaps a bit liberal but it doesn't bother me as much, for some reason.

The people on Biased-BBC seem to have a problem with it, though.

Maybe the Telegraph would be a better fit. Hmm.

In other news. Hopefully I remember to talk about this. The link features a video of verbal fisticuffs between Whoopi Goldberg and Elisabeth Hasselbeck, on the View. I've seen the show maybe twice, tops, and even I knew enough to predict the ending: someone crying.



Anyway, they're arguing about the use of the n word. After posting on some Black Gay forums[I'd link but...perhaps some anonymity here and there is a good thing], I've been thinking about my own position on it as well-- I don't know if I've done my obligatory post on the n-word. Might as well do it now.

It bothers me when someone who doesn't have a good reason to use it uses it. Namely, those who do it because they're friends are doing it or it's in vogue or whatever. The only acceptable reason to use the n-word is to de-power it, if someone has the deliberate intent in mind of reducing the word's power and taking ownership of it.

Of course, even by using it without having some sort of agenda to reduce the stigma around the n-word, you still reduce its stigma. Albeit unconsciously. So perhaps my position doesn't have a leg to stand on after all. Part of me realizes this, which is why I've gradually become more liberal about it, but it's still not a word I use or see myself ever using. Might have something to do with the way I was raised.

Elisabeth's line about "trying to live in the same world" struck me. Is that really the goal? I disagree for the most part.

But I'm tired of talking about the n word.

In other news, currently reading:



My edition is different but this one has a cooler cover. I feel as if there are a slew of books that people are expected to have read before college or in college, this being one of them. So I'm giving it a go before it gets to late.

It's alright so far; I'm about a hundred pages in. Maybe I'll try to plow through it today.

Hopefully I can keep this up-- talking about books, I mean. If there's anything I actually *do* often, it's read. Maybe next entry I'll make a list of recommendations or start doing reviews here.

I'm off. Later, duckies.

Blood Brothers

And this is what happens when you force a poem.

Don't try this at home.

Blood Brothers

I assume we were blood brothers,
though we never bled enough to tell.
Beer brothers at the very least,
drowning in whiskey together,
my hand not in his as we crossed
black streets.

I am not sure when 'are' became 'were',
when my blood coagulated and turned into
something irrevocably different,
irrevocably queer and possibly sinister,
when the jeans I wore became even more cum-stained
than his.

But when they did, what we had stopped being an
adventure and started being a
crusade.

--

Also, I apparently love myself to the point that I am uninterested in other people.
I wish someone could have told me this earlier.

Vacuum cleaner nightmares, on Monday nights.

Perhaps I should stop apologizing for my inconsistency. I'm torn. On the one hand, my apologies and half-assed reasons explaining what has led to yet anotherspell of bad blogging gives me a gimmick. A way to start every entry-- maybe it's endearing.

As I was going through it, though, I've noticed how often I actually do start with "sorry" or something other, and do I really mean it? If I did, I'd probably be more consistent. Right?

So, I apologize for not being sorry enough. I am working on it.

I am going to let you all in on a little secret, since I'm apparently being introspective and thinking on this sticky Monday night.[Have I mentioned Japan has suddenly become hot as BALLS?] I have this bad habit. It's small, I suppose, and I'm not entirely sure how to explain it. But I'll try. I actually check my blog quite often, and the comments from last entry were really quite moving. And I intended to write an entry quite a while ago but I kept avoiding it, putting it off, thinking of doing Japanese homework that I would eventually leave undone. And this snowballs, somehow, hours become days, my "I'll write an entry tomorrow"s slip from my mind. And before I realize, a month has passed.

The same thing happens with eMails, actually. Someone will send me an eMail-- my teachers, my advisors, even my mom and I'll go through the same motions of delay. First a half-hour, then a few hours, and while I've been too busy assing around playing Hearts or reading the Economist time will crawl by until it's some obscene hour. And when it gets too late, I always feel as if it's too late to write an eMail, as if my fingers stop working properly after 11 P.M., and so it'd be best to leave it to tomorrow. Rinse and repeat. Magically, a week has gone by and my advisor is now messaging my classmates to relay information because I've been too unfeeling to respond to an eMail asking if I was in good health after my trip to China. As melodramatic as it sounds, I really fear getting eMails.

So, now we've all become closer.

I'm unsure of what this entry should be about. Perhaps race.

There's no way I could seriously discuss all of my feelings about race in Japan in one entry. But one recent development is worth talking about, namely what seems to be the white guilt of some of my classmates and my recent ineptness in tackling racism and prejudice.

For the past month or so, it's become apparent to everyone in the dorm that I am a "heavy drinker", since I'm hungover for half of the week most of the time. This has led to me being invited to the drunk brigade with two of my Tufts classmates-- one is short, sort of pudgy-ish, black hair, typical NJ-but-spends-time-in-NY kind of suburban type. The other is tall, bald, in his thirties, Californian joker type, I guess. And so we usually go out drinking every Thursday, sometimes with another boy, who's from California.

On one such night, as we were chugging cheap Japanese beers, getting ready to go to a nomi-houdai[all you can drink, essentially], I was asked: "So, since we're close now, I can make Black jokes, right?"

As I held my beer can to my lips, I raised my eyebrows. I didn't even dignify it with an answer. Just, "huh?"

"Well, I mean, now that we're good friends and stuff, you know that I wouldn't mean any jokes offensively, right? You can make Jewish jokes and stuff too; it's totally cool."

Or something to that effect.

I just looked. And laughed. And looked some more. I think I gave something akin to a "yeah, sure" because, as I'll get to later, I have become incredibly lazy and, as mentioned above, inept with dealing with racial issues.

I don't recall what exactly was said. Some comments about Hypnotiq being a "Black drink"[though they've all had it more often than I have, apparently] and some other nonsense. This has all been snowballing, and I made the mistake of making a statement the other night that I think will only add to the enabling. The conversation went something like the following:

Me:"Yeah, my high school was pretty expensive too, about 25K a year."
M: "Wow, yours was expensive too?"
Me: "For no reason. I mean, there was nothing extraordinary about, I guess it was because I got to go to school with you guys."

M., the guy I was talking to, is Jewish. What I meant by "you guys" was people with money, and from context, it sort of makes sense. But what I'm pretty sure it was taken as was a Jewish joke, which was not what I meant. We were interrupted by some other people coming to our little "Beer garden" party and so I never was able to clarify myself. Plus, I was pretty drunk at this point. I'm just pretty sure that this came off as me agreeing to that little, "you can make Jewish jokes, too" permission that I was given. Which was not my intent.

I'm pretty sure I'm enabling.

Anyway, I suppose I don't laugh enough when one of them compares me to Jero[have I talked about him? If not, then that deserves its own entry. He's a Black singer in Japan] or when a joke is made about Kanye West or Flavor Flav. And so, at least in the past two weeks, two of the four have felt the need to give me apologies about it, about, once again, how they don't mean to be offensive and hope I am not taking the jokes in that way.

I, of course, feel some kind of way about it. But as when Jefferson[a Nigerian] used the n-word in China, or when another Latino friend of mine used it, or as when someone else made a racial faux pas that made me uncomfortable over the past year, I have preferred to ignore it instead of explaining why that sort of behavior makes me uncomfortable.

There's a lot more to say[like, say, my actual opinion, I guess] but it's almost ten o'clock and I'd rather pretend to do my homework. Maybe I'll make a part two to this entry.

Anyway, yesterday, a friend here took a picture of the front of a Japanese record store here in Kanazawa and I am going to steal that now and post it. Credit to him, of course.[Whatever, I'm not a real blogger; I can plagiarize...right?]




This led to us "talking about" a series of issues-- and by talking about, I mean, him asking me questions about racism and me responding. This is unfortunately my general impression of racial dialogue with white or passable "liberals"-- them asking questions and the other responding with their complaints and grievances. But I shall leave that topic for another entry. Either way, he asked me a series of questions-- "Which country do you feel is more racist, China or Japan?", "What types of racism did you deal with in America?", etc. And part of me was reluctant to answer-- here this goes again, if and when I fail to adequately represent Black grievances to a potential ally in the struggle for Black Power!!![yes, the exclamations are necessary], I will have to deal with the disappointment, with my sudden ineptness in explaining why a lot of Black people are still mad.

And instead of talking about the jail system, or how race relations in the 1960s and beforehand in the US has had major effects on class and gender issues in the Black community today, or the public schooling system, or health issues, or WHATEVER, I wound up saying getting chased by cops.

And I always feel as if, as silly as it might be, that despite their oh-so-bleeding hearts, and the compassion that they wear on their sleeves and facebook profiles, that many of these white liberals have a quota, a limit to how many times they can ask a Black person about racism. So. What if I'm the last person they can fit in the quota? And if I, the rare sagelike Black kid who's almost done with a relatively good college, cannot answer these questions appropriately-- who will?

And this is all what runs through the mind of a petty Juggernaut like me when I get asked these questions.

It's hot as balls. I have homework but I want to write a poem. And I've been thinking of that comic that I wanted to write, again.

I imagine this entry is possibly offensive, and I'd apologize, but...do I mean it?

Hopefully this entry was a good exercise in honesty, a faculty I've forgotten how to use properly. I'll come in and do clean up later, if necessary.

Much love. There's so much more to say-- I think I might actually write another entry tomorrow but with me, that's probably as likely as leeches raining from the sky.

Fin.

The Darkest Drum Major.

Almost two months...that's a record, even for me!

Hello, y'all. As per usual, I'd like to apologize to everyone, especially Gracie and Steven, for not updating. Haha.

Man...I've forgotten so much that I wanted to talk about. And I still never did my Okayama entry.

Since today was such a great day, I just had to update. Why so great, you ask!?

1. OBAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

My man, Barack Obama has "clinched" the Democratic nomination! Did anyone else notice how many newspapers used the word "clinched" to describe his victory? NYTimes, ABC news...geez. Aren't reporters supposed to have big vocabularies? Haha.

Anyway, even though most of my international friends don't get how exciting this primary has been, since Obama's been sort of "inevitable" for the past two-three months, I am pumped. PUMPED. And he gave an amazing speech.

Clinton being open to the VP slot worries me. I just...don't understand how she's going to rectify that with the negativity she threw at him during the primaries, about how he hasn't crossed the threshold and all that. Backpedal?

I sort of have a conspiracy hypothesis that she wants to sabotage his ticket so she can run again in '12. I wish people would stop calling it the Dream Ticket-- IMO, it just highlights both of their weaknesses. Though I can see why it is appealing-- it would have a way of uniting the base, and all that.

I was wondering how this would be written about in history textbooks in years to come. Even if Obama doesn't win, this is still a major milestone. I just recall being in middle school and reading my history textbook about women's suffrage. Now that I think about it, it sort of had a feminist/sympathetic tone to it-- even though women were strong allies in the fight for freeing the slaves in the mid 1800s, black [typically male]intellectual allies largely left female suffragists high and dry after they were freed. Or something to that effect? I just remember the fifty year gap between the two being significant and having to write about it on a test...or something. Oh, sixth grade.

Anyway, I wonder if this primary'll be written in a similar tone in the future-- that women were once again ignored in favor of Blacks, or something. It all seems kind of divide and conquer/silly anyway.

Obama 08. Man...I do not want a Hillary VP. Part of the cabinet, fine. Secretary of State even. But VP? Urgh.

2. No more midterms!

I am praying for As but knowing my penchant for making careless errors...it might be a longshot. Either way, I finished my exams today! Glad it's all over.

Now that I'm just about over the halfway point with about two months to go, I think I can honestly say how dissatisfied I am with this program. It might be a combination of things actually-- me being tired of studying Japanese, wishing I lived closer to town, etc. BUT. Looking at the exam, I just feel as if I do so little work. I started studying for my grammar midterm like...a night or two beforehand. What? In China, I started studying for a whole week beforehand. In general, the Japanese classes here just seem more knitpicky here than anything-- which might have to do with the language itself? I feel that the difference between my study in China and my study in Japan is that in China there was a lot of breadth in what I learned. A lot. Japanese? I'm more learning accuracy-- how to write sentences as simply as possible so that I get as few points taken off as possible. I feel as if experimentation isn't encouraged here-- I don't use new patterns because if I'm wrong I'm penalized so heavily. Blah.

So, my dissatisfaction. Otherwise, though, Japan is actually pretty cool.

What else. Oh, I had sex with a Japanese guy. It was pretty bad. Pretty bad. Like, almost the worst sex I've ever had. 3/10, if only because he was sort of cute.

At least I'm no longer celibate.

I'm also going to China on Sunday. Can we say...excited? I don't think I realized it as much at the time, but my stay in China was really amazing. I can't wait to see all of my old friends again. We're gonna party.

Oh, my computer power cord broke again. Can we say...anti-Dell? I think this is going to be my first and last time buying a Dell computer again. Between hard drive failure and broken power cords...and it's been, what, three years? I just want to last through college...maybe I'll give Apple a chance. I borrowed a laptop from the school, so I'm using that right now. Japanese computers...blah.

I'm sort of listless right now-- excited because of Obama and the end of my exams, but indecisive about what I should do with my energy. I sort of want to study everything at once-- I was talking to Sergei[the guy I'm sort of/kind of involved with over here, I guess] and he said reading the news is a good way to study for the Japanese National Language Exam. And I do learn a lot of vocab that way. But...I also remembered I have all my Pimsleur suites! I kind of want to study French. Or Portuguese. Or Italian. All at once? Haha.

Anyway, just energy in excess. Perhaps I should do my homework in advance before I go to China. I'm gonna be gone for a week, missing class, so...maybe it'll keep me in my senseis' good graces?

That's about it for now. I'll try to update tomorrow if I remember.

Steven, out.

Let freedom ring around my rosie.

Hello, long time!

Okay, don't kill me.

I'm currently in my common room-- just finished up all the homework I had. Oddly enough, I still feel as if I haven't done enough. Normally I don't have a lot of problems speaking Japanese, but for some reason I'm feeling nervous in class and stammering and having trouble pronouncing my words. So I tried to preview the texts a few times, since there's a lot of kanji/characters that I don't know how to read in Japanese.[if only this were China...!]

So, yeah. I realize the last entry with any real content was written after I'd just gotten here. A month later, some things have happened/changed.

1. Dining Halls are open. Yay. Selection sucks major ass. Boo, boo, boo. I'm better off cooking on my magnetic hot plate.
2. The other students are back in the dorm! Yay and Nay. Yay, I'm not alone anymore and have made some friends. Nay, compared to China, there are less kids here and they are less cool.
3. I have been introduced to a game called Jungle Law. It is the shit...and I possibly love it as much as/more than Set. Though it requires other people.[I'll go more into this later.]
4. I've sort of made a bet to bag three Asian boys before the month runs out...hmm. Which means I have to actually go out, I guess.

ETC!

A big entry needs to be reserved for my trip to Okayama, which was a moving and great experience. Reminded me that I really became interested in Japan because of my experience five years ago, when I went to Okayama and met my exchange friends. So meeting them again reminded me that I'm tired of not being fluent. This is a good thing in particular since I've been finding it hard to stay motivated.

But that will be next time.

What's been up, you ask? Besides being a school nerd and stressing not much at all. Classes just started last week[meanwhile, you guys are probably prepping for finals and getting ready for great summers-- HA!]. Oh, I've probably never been over my study plans for Kanazawa. Let's do that now.

Okay, so, I have a thing about arbitrary goals, as I mentioned two entries ago. I wanted to go to level E in the Japanese classes.[Because you forgot, classes go: A-->B-->C1-->C2--D-->E-->F]. I completely bombed my placement test. Failed, crashed, burned, was raped, etc. I wound up in C2-- this is funny, because I took the intermediate placement test, which was for placing from D to F. And I didn't even finish, so I expected to do badly.

Anyway, I'm, of course, used to unexpected failures and bombing placement tests[I bombed my Japanese placement test twice at Tufts, in fact], so. I went to C2 classes, tried my best to look bored and beg my teachers to let me move up. Now, I'm in D class, though things get "finalized" today? Or something. Meaning, I can say I want to go back to C2 if I want.

My problem is pretty much that the grammar isn't bad at all-- I mean, I've done maybe 40-50% of it already. But there are so many WORDS and annoying ways of reading things-- one of the many advantages Chinese has over Japanese. With Japanese you have Kun Readings[Native Japanese readings] and On Readings[Pseudo-Chinese Readings] for a single character, and sometimes you have multiple kun and on readings. The result is that you can't just look at a character and automatically know how it sounds-- you have to pay attention to context, or the whole word. Chinese, on the other hand, has *very* few characters that can be read differently-- I can think of maybe two on the top of my head, tops. Otherwise, a character is pretty much read the same all the time, though there are some things with tones that can make things tricky sometimes.

Anyway, sorry, that was a lot of text. Point is, I was trying to prep for tomorrow and it took at least two hours to do a few newspaper readings. Like, damn. I knew vocabulary would be my problem though-- even if I can figure out what stuff means sometimes, I never know how to pronounce things. Plus, considering how badly I did on the placement test, I think I'll stay in D. I may change kanji classes, however-- Kanji C2 was too easy, but even Kanji D seems pretty easy, considering the self-evaluation test we took in the first class.

So, that's the Japanese stuff. I'm also in a composition class that I skipped this morning-- it was 8:45. I woke up...went back to sleep...woke back up at 9. Oops. It's more like an elective class though, and since we're still choosing classes, I think I should be fine.

For non-Japanese classes, I'm taking Nature of Japan, Experiences in Japanese Culture, and Japanese Literature in Translation. While the NoJ professor is quite nice and all, learning about f*cking snow flakes is not a way I want to spend an hour and a half. But I need science credits to graduate, so I'd stay in the class even if the class was about Holocaust Denial.

Experiences in Japanese Culture has apparently given us a break for a few weeks. It's a 3 hour biweekly class that's apparently just trips and stuff. It counts as an art credit so...you know I'm there.

Japanese Lit in Translation, I had today. An annoying class-- besides the fact that a good number of the students don't speak fluent English, the professor is also arbitrary, unhelpful, and unprepared. And I got to work with this Australian girl, Cathy, who's normally fine, but was an absolute dick today. So rude, because she was the only one talking[I was trying to be sure of my translation and everyone else was just...non-assertive]. Anyway, she almost made some ghettoness come out...but I'm trying to keep it together.

So, this is my schedule. Besides the actual Japanese class, none of it is particularly challenging, at least yet. So. I'm supposed to be satisfying my extracurricular goals: finishing Kite Runner and my other books, studying for the LSATs, the JLPTs, the HSK, etc. 'Cause I know next year is gonna suck.

I could talk about the schedule I picked for next semester at Tufts[my final fall semester as an undergrad!], but maybe next time. Some other things I hope I don't forget:

This guy Sergei, who is seeming like my only tolerable hookup prospect in Japan.[Sorry. I guess I'm being more aggressive about the celibacy-termination]
My classes for next year.
How some kids here tried to hook me up with this gay japanese guy.[WTF. That must be a sign that I'm pathetic.]
My plans for trips and stuff. I decided I'm gonna be a weekend Asian explorer. Watch out, I'm ballin!
The Okayama trip.
If someone else says I LOOK LIKE JERO, I'm gonna cut a b*tch.[This deserves an entry in itself. Oh Lord...]

Etc. But I got class at 8:45 tomorrow, so...next time, champs!

It has been a quark minute.

Sorry, I know it's been a while and this isn't a real update.

I just wrote a poem in the last five minutes-- or at least something like a poem, or the start of one. I wanted to post it here.

I'm not especially proud of it-- I don't feel as if there's anything meta-level about it at all. It's all pretty rudimentary and straight forward.

I'm reading Kite Runner still, which is an amazing book. Perhaps a little too obsessed with anal rape? And the language isn't necessarily great-- I don't especially love the sentence structure or the word choice, but it makes me really emotional.

Kite Runner was pretty much the trigger for my writing-- there's bullying in the novel, which reminds me of my own fears, and...well, I don't like explaining my poems. Another reason was my friend Korey letting it slip that he doesn't like Asians all hanging together...just slight things that I try to ignore but that I need to do a better job addressing.

Anyway, I'll give more of a recap-like entry later-- maybe tomorrow or friday.


Cement traitors
What greater farce is there than to pretend to
be wealthy,
to clothe oneself in the fabrics of the first world
while having a soul of the third,
to pretend that we've somehow become beyond it all,
that my free ride in school somehow negates my poverty,
at least for four years?
that color blindness actually worked,
that
yknow
my skin doesn't seem so brown behind a brooks brothers polo
afterall.
No greater sense of treason than
to damn hip hop,
to engage in apologetics,
to make excuses for "the bad ones"
-- we're not all like that,
you're right:
our culture is maladaptive,
it's self-destructive,
it's anti-intellectual,
it propagates the "we are victim" meme
and that'll never get us anywhere.

What greater farce...
on my own morality.

Your
culture's privilege to
assimilate me
has been revoked.

In the busom of Kierkegaard.

Kierkegaard is a philosopher.

Yo! Not too bad, only took me a week to make my next entry...

Let's see. I guess it's time for me to give my state of the union address on my stay in Japan.

Or, rather, maybe I'll just outline what my days have been like.

Well, I've been here for over a week now, I guess-- got here Wednesday before last. On Wednesday, I arrived-- safely-- and stayed in that expensive ass hotel adjacent to the airport, Hotel Nikko. Way too expensive, but I did get to Skype my mom and enjoy the TV.

On Thursday, I took my heavy ass luggage with me to Kanazawa. Which was a mess. For one, I barely knew what I was doing-- even though my Japanese should be good enough to get me around and stuff, hell, it should be better than my Chinese, so I should have been able to manage. But I get flustered in new situations if I'm alone[not as much as I used to though, haha] and so going to ticket windows and trying to express where I wanted to go was tiring. And then I missed my transfer. So, I was supposed to arrive at Kanazawa Station at 2 something-- instead, I got there an hour later. Luckily, I ran into Andrew, another classmate from my university, and another student here, Beck, on the train. Talk about coincidence-- they were just coming back from Korea.

My coordinators were worried. Andrew texted-- or rather, emailed...people don't use SMS messages over here--, etc.

And thusly, I got dropped off here. They asked if I wanted dinner. I said I was tired. So I got a tour of the dorm and went to sleep.

Friday. Um. Oh, well, I think Makiko pretty much toured me around for the day-- we got Chinese food for lunch that didn't taste all *that* Chinese, or at least not Chinese in the way that I like it[greasy and cheap], and then Makiko took me to the city hall to get my alien registration pass[necessary, apparently, if you want to get a phone, open a bank account, leave the country-- all of which I want to do]. After that, we went around, looking at a museum, going to the 99yen store[you guessed it-- the equivalent to the 99 cent store!], etc. Pretty chill stuff, riding around with Makiko-san.

And then...it started. My next date with Makiko wasn't until Monday.

Okay, so the undercurrent of all this is that I'm hella disappointed with the entire program. Now, while I suppose I could look at this as a free excursion, this whole "Japan" thing, let's say I don't. Let's say I look at myself as a normal student paying tuition without any financial aid/scholarships, like some of my other Tufts classmates. Um. I'm "paying" 40K a year for you to not pick me up from the airport, put me in a campus far, far removed from the actual city, drop me off in a box-like room, give me a three day orientation, etc. I also feel as if I'm the only one out of the Tufts students who feels this way, which isn't surprising, since they don't really have much to compare it to.

Truth be told, the orientation is a lot better than just...arriving here by yourself, like the non-Tufts students were. But in China, we were babied to the extreme: got picked up by our RD/coordinator at the airport, driven to our dorm, showed around the campus, had access to a dining hall in our dorm[important!], had little help notes of how to order food in Chinese, a month long orientation re-acquainting us with Chinese before our placement tests and touring us around the nearby area/country. The rooms in Japan might be a slight step up-- bigger furniture, a kitchen[though no stove...um]. The bathroom over here is a downgrade though, definitely. The dorm itself is also a downgrade-- in China, we had elevators, straight hallways, people to clean up the halls/take out the trash, a dining hall on the first floor, etc. Taking out the trash here is hella complicated, which I'll get to at another time. It was also just prettier-- this dorm is just cement and cold.

So, coming out of China, I'm pretty disappointed. But it might just be easier to do stuff in China, since everything is so cheap. Mm...cheap.

I really started getting angry starting Friday, though. When I got in Makiko's car, she asked me if I had breakfast. Now, as I'd arrived the day before, and my tour from one of the student advisors did not include restaurants/eateries/whatever, where was this breakfast supposed to be found? Or dinner the night before, for that matter?[Interesting point-- I heard Japanese people don't eat three times a day? I'm not sure, to be honest]

My ignorance only became sharper as I grew hungrier over the weekend. So, I ask a classmate-- what do people do to eat? Cook on their little hotplates. Dining halls are closed. Uhm. How do I get food to cook? Go to Jusco. Where's that? Huh? And he was busy with his girlfriend, so I didn't want to bother him too much.

On Saturday, as I was trying to find Jusco, just after I found the convenience store, I ran into Beck. She's very friendly, Australian, talkative and she was on her way to Juso herself, so I accompanied her.

It was just, like. If there is ONE THING IN THIS WORLD that I have on my mind every other second, it just MIGHT be food. So, the lack thereof can really drive me to do crazy things-- browse white nationalist forums like Stormfront, for example.[That was a trip...] Anyway, when I told Makiko on Monday, "Um, hi, but you keep asking me if I ate breakfast...where do I do this, exactly?" Haha. Apparently, my student tour guide was supposed to show me-- oops.

Okay, so now I know that dining halls are open. Great, great, great. Though they close at like 2 pm? Haha.

The weekend is pretty much characterized by my worrying about my next meal. So let's skip that.

What else on Monday. Makiko took me to the Kenrokuen Gardens, which are apparently one of Japan's three special gardens, or something. One is in Okayama, that I went to five years ago when I did my homestay. Didn't realize. We also went to see a castle.

To be honest, as much as this whole "Yay I'm in Asia thing" is pretty fun, the whole touring the historical parks/buildings/whatever bores me really fast. I think it's really just that while I might like the Japanese *language* I'm really not interested in the bowing, or the sushi, or the samurai, or the castles, or the whatever. Maybe I was in high school, but now? Nah. So I felt bad for Makiko, who had to drag an unexcited student around from place to place, though I tried to feign interest. I think all of the other kids here are Japanese majors.

Later that night was fun, however. It was apparently this girl Miki's birthday-- Miki's a student advisor in our dorm. So we all went out to nomihoudai-- which I guess is just a downgrade of an open bar? It's pretty much all you can drink for an hour. Which is a bad thing for me, since that just means I have to get my money's worth.

There were lots of people there though, so I got to meet everyone. "You studied in China!? Wow! Blah blah." Another problem that I need to address at another time is the girl problem that I'm having now. Um. "He's cute."? What do I do about that? And then you want to add me on facebook, where I have myself as interested in men? It's just awkward, I guess. I don't know why I've been having such problems with outness, but that's another entry.

Anyway, after about my third Awamori or so[Awamori is this Okinawan rice liquor-- it's similar to Vodka in alcohol level, but definitely easier to take], some of the kids were bowing out/eating/going for girly drinks. Whatever. The Slovenian girl and I kept going-- she's fun, too bad she's leaving next week.

Anyway, after Nomihoudai, we went a bunch of places-- Karaoke, where I got beer; McDonalds, where I got a burger and made everyone wait for me, apparently; some bar-restaurant place, where I did more shots of whiskey. Man, I was pretty messed up. The funny thing is, while I remember the night for the most part, I don't remember getting back to my room. But when I woke up the next morning, my head was pounding, my computer was in shambles[I usually use my computer from my bed, so I suppose we had a fight...my computer lost, clearly], I was wearing my pajamas, my facebook status said I was in love with someone-who-won't-be-named, etc. Weirdness. I guess that counts as blacking out? Haha.

Okay, so that was Monday. The rest of the week has been pretty calm-- I've just been hanging with people, trying to make friends, etc. I also have been studying a lot. I'm really concerned about what level of Japanese I'm going to take. The lowest level is AA, then it goes B-->C1-->C2-->D-->E-->F. Now, I should be better than my Tufts classmates-- while I started freshman year in Japanese 1, sophomore year I skipped out of two classes and moved into junior year Japanese[Japanese 21, 22], while they were still doing sophomore year Japanese.[Japanese 3, 4] But I'm not sure anymore-- Korey, who did the best on the placement test out of my Tufts classmates, did this intense Middlebury program the summer before and wound up in level C2. They certainly all speak faster than me, but that probably is because they've been here for a good six months already, while I'm still in Chinese mode. I was looking at Korey's textbook, and other than like two or three grammar patterns, I covered all of it back home already.[whether I can still use it properly is a different question, haha] Anyway, like with China, I have these dream goals-- for China, I wanted to get in level 4 Chinese.[Highest level is 6/7; I didn't make it to 4, got into 3.5...BUT I happened to land into the best class ever, so I'm not too disappointed] For Japan, I want to get into level E, since classes over here seem easier. We'll see. Luckily, the placement test is written, so my bad spoken Japanese won't be an indicator of my actual level.

So, that's academics. Um, I went out drinking again with the kids yesterday-- another nomihoudai. Pretty fun. Afterwards, McDonalds-- seems like a staple. Then we just hung out, went to Circle K, which is a nearby 24 hour convenience store. Etc. Wound up in bed like 2 or 3.

And that has pretty much been my Japanese adventure. Nothing too exciting. A few interesting tangentials:

1. People don't sake bomb in Japan!? I was asking about it, and apparently Japanese people don't sake bomb. I was shocked. Another American fraud!?

2. I miss China. And Chinese. Desperately. I mean, Japan is whatever, but I wasn't joking when I said I had the best class ever in China. We were amazing, all of us were like BFFs. The Koreans, who dominated the class, were amazing. So were the Japanese. And the Americans, the Euros and everyone else too, of course. In fact, I'm thinking of going back in April, if I can get my alien registration card.[I love, love, love having a stipend from Tufts...haha] My placement test is the 7th, so I figure if I can get my registration card the 1st, then I can fly out immediately and...holla! Each time I go on facebook and see new pictures, or talk to my old classmates on MSN, I just get nostalgic.[Which isn't to say I want to be there forever; China is certainly good in limited doses. The US is still the way to go.]

3. There are gay bars in Kanazawa. As great as straight kids are, really, it's just. Man, straight people can be so boring. I need to figure out how to check out these gay bars.

4. One of my coordinators found out info about my old homestay for me! Wow, throwback. Like, five years ago. Apparently my homestay partner is, like, out of college and has a full time job already. Geez, how depressing. But I'm gonna stop by their house and go to the school on Monday I hope, which should be fun. Very excited; I really liked that family. And apparently there are two kids from my high school as well, though I graduated before they started, so I probably don't know them.

I can't believe 2005 is so...long ago. I'm already about to graduate college...geez.

Alright, I don't do depression. I guess I'm gonna make my way to the dining hall.[I went there for the first time yesterday-- that also deserves a story! I swear, being Black in Asia...it never ends, it never ends, haha]

Later.